Relationship PTSD Divorce?

[blackemerald1]

The main reason I'm willing to hang onto this relationship is that he's very serious about getting help. It's probably the only thing he's been consistent on. He's admits the problem is mostly him, and I think he may have some doubts about what he wants. I told him before that I thought I was just a scapegoat and that he would not feel any better once the dust settled on our divorce. I'm not willing to wait forever, but I would like to give treatment a chance to help him before calling it quits.

^I reckon you have a lot more kindness and generosity of spirit than I have. Cheating isn't a behaviour I can tolerate. Maybe that's more my problem I'm not sure. But if you can get over it then hey it's your relationship so go for it.

What type of treatment is he getting? What sort of other mental health issues might there be in the mix and is he addressing them too?

 

[BanjoraLost]

I’m so sorry you are going through so much. Have you consulted an attorney? Really knowing from a lawyer the pros and cons of marriage and divorce might help you both out, and protect you and the kids while he gets stabilized.

There may be a way to give him the space to get stabilized... but it’s very possible this is the first of many rounds of instability.

You are doing a lot to protect him and overlook even cheating, and thats your decision to make if you want to try to make it work anyhow, but even if he is straight up delusional now, that didn’t cause him to cheat. His bizarre behavior might be cause for concern about his ability to care for children though. He may have several complex mental health issues going on, and he acted untrustworthy, and now he’s caring for little ones. I know you are in a really tight spot with childcare. Are you concerned he wouldn’t pay child support if he did go through with the divorce?

How is his efforts going to get treatment?

Most of all, how are YOU doing? This is hard stuff to navigate. My heart goes out to you.

My husband called a veteran’s crisis hotline the week after I moved out. Six weeks later, he finally got a therapy appointment through the VA. He was really out of it after the appointment, and I missed two days of work to watch the kids. He tried to schedule a follow-up therapy session, and the therapist wouldn’t see him. Instead, the therapist told my husband he needed care outside the scope of his expertise. The therapist said he was sending a referral, but as far as I know, my husband is still waiting.

My biggest legal reason for staying married is so I can use FMLA protections for my job if I need to take time off so my husband can go to appointments. Considering what happened after his last appointment, this is a big concern for me.

I used the courthouse facilitator to figure out child support payments, and it actually worked out that he would only owe $150/month. I'm not really worried about this money.

The thing with the cheating doesn't really bother me. I'd definitely be angry if he was making a habit of it, or tried leaving for someone else, but that's not the case, and at this point, he has no reason to lie to me about it. I can tell that he's genuinely remorseful, and he hasn't tried to make any excuses for his behavior.

I think I'm doing pretty well, all things considered. I've been seeing a counselor through my employer, and have been trying to keep a healthy lifestyle. I'm struggling a bit to get my new home furnished, but it's more due to lack of time than lack of funds.

 

[BanjoraLost]

^I reckon you have a lot more kindness and generosity of spirit than I have. Cheating isn't a behaviour I can tolerate. Maybe that's more my problem I'm not sure. But if you can get over it then hey it's your relationship so go for it.

What type of treatment is he getting? What sort of other mental health issues might there be in the mix and is he addressing them too?

If I thought he was making a habit of cheating, or was trying to leave me for someone else, I would feel differently. It occurred to me that there could be other women, but he really has no reason to lie to me at this point.

I'm not sure about his therapy. He said used the word "psychotherapy", but the therapist he saw (through the VA) wouldn't see him for a second visit. The therapist supposedly sent a referral, but it's been nearly three weeks since I've heard anything. It's possible he has an appointment and hasn't told me about it yet.

He has a sister with schizophrenia. She was in her mid-thirties when she was diagnosed. This is a bit old for a schizophrenia diagnosis, but not unheard of. My husband is of similar age. It's crossed my mind that he might have it (considering the weird stuff he's said to me) but his symptoms are all so recent that I'm hesitant to even say anything to him at this point. Right now, I'm just keeping a journal.

 

[BanjoraLost]

He called me after work to tell me not to come over to see the kids today. I guess he called the VA earlier, because he hadn’t heard anything about his referral. He ended up getting so frustrated with them that he asked for a different provider, and they told him he would need to start the whole process all over. He was very upset about it. I think he might have been crying—I could hear it in his voice.

He said he didn’t want me to take the situation personally, and that him not wanting me to come over had nothing to do with me. He was just really uptight from talking to the VA and having me come over was just one more thing on his plate. I asked if he wanted me to take the kids for the evening, but he said no. After we hung up, he texted a thank you.

I feel so bad for him... he really wants help, but it seems like he just finds obstacles.

 

[Friday]

I feel so bad for him... he really wants help, but it seems like he just finds obstacles.

Vet Centers (Readjustment Counseling) Home

They’re not part of the VA system, (they can request VA records, but the VA can’t do it in reverse, privacy is paramount. like in civilian psych) with about a million miles less red tape, and far more comprehensive specialized services (meaning they just do combat, sexual assault, etc... but do the whoooooole range of treatments, for a wide variety of trauma based disorders or difficulties. 1:1, group, family, talk/CBT/CPT/EMDR/PET etc.) rather than psych just being 1 of 500 services done half assed from cancer to hearing aids to the flu to psych to ingrown toenails to... cha. Totally different system, totally different paradigm, totally different experience.

Most of the time you can get an appointment same week, sometimes even the same durn day, rather than waiting months for an initial appt only to find they had you in the wrong queue typical VA FUBAR thing they seem to specialize in.

 

[BanjoraLost]

Now my husband wants to move a second guy in into the garage. Guy #2 is a combat vet (he was in the army but did not serve with my husband) who gets 100% disability from the VA for PTSD. We own property out in a remote area, and Guy #2 was our sort-of neighbor out there. He has a bad reputation amongst the other neighbors. Guy #2 was living out there full time (in an off-grid cabin) and people would hire him to do work for them, but he would always leave a big mess or destroy stuff. He also got a DUI, and opted for the jail time option instead of doing the treatment stuff required to avoid jail.

So last Thursday, I head to pick up the kids, and Guy #2 is at the house, and my husband is having him cut down some massive trees. My husband says the guy owes him money for some equipment he gave to him, and he’s cutting down the trees as payment. I thought it was a little odd.

The next day, I’m picking up the kids again, and my husband tells me he needs to talk to me about Guy #2.
He says he really wants to help Guy #2 to be able to have visitation with his kids. I guess Guy #2 has kids that he can’t see because he has no physical address. I feel like there’s more to the story, but the bottom line is that my husband wants to cancel his remodel plans for the house, and instead use the money to make a second (unpermitted) apartment in the garage for Guy #2. He says they can help each other (this is the same thing he said to me about Guy #1) and that Guy #2 has been sober for “weeks”...

Anyways, my husband is wanting my blessing on this for some reason, but I feel like he would move the guy in regardless. Even when I was there Friday, my husband admitted that Guy #2 was staying there, but he made him leave when I came over—basically, he was hiding the guy from me. I told my husband I would have to get back to him. I didn’t really know what to say when he brought this up. There’s a million blatantly obvious reasons why moving the guy in is a bad idea, but I’m not sure how this should be handled. I think if I tell him no, I will make myself the bad guy, and my husband will move the guy in anyways.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Point Blank.,, do you want Guy #2 around your kids?

Forget about what your husband will think or how he will react. These are your kids, and they come first. If you don’t want an unstable alcoholic around your small kids, then it is your right to say so.

He called me after work to tell me not to come over to see the kids today. I guess he called the VA earlier, because he hadn’t heard anything about his referral. He ended up getting so frustrated with them that he asked for a different provider, and they told him he would need to start the whole process all over. He was very upset about it. I think he might have been crying—I could hear it in his voice.

You are not divorced, you are not legally separated, and he does not have full custody. You have as much right to those kids as he does.

I’d be concerned about his stability and ability to take care of the kids. He’s acting erratically. Also, if the VA is saying that he’s out of their area of expertise for treatment, I’d strongly consider the fact that he has some other kind of mental health issue. Treating PTSD is kinda the VA’s thing, and it just seems odd that they would not be able to treat a case of it, even a severe one (even if the treatment is shit).

Honestly, I’d make it a priority to move into my own place and secure other childcare for the kids. You need to be the custodial parent right now. He is unstable, and is going to move another unstable guy into the house to exacerbate the situation.

 

[BanjoraLost]

Point Blank.,, do you want Guy #2 around your kids?

Forget about what your husband will think or how he will react. These are your kids, and they come first. If you don’t want an unstable alcoholic around your small kids, then it is your right to say so.



You are not divorced, you are not legally separated, and he does not have full custody. You have as much right to those kids as he does.

I’d be concerned about his stability and ability to take care of the kids. He’s acting erratically. Also, if the VA is saying that he’s out of their area of expertise for treatment, I’d strongly consider the fact that he has some other kind of mental health issue. Treating PTSD is kinda the VA’s thing, and it just seems odd that they would not be able to treat a case of it, even a severe one (even if the treatment is shit).

Honestly, I’d make it a priority to move into my own place and secure other childcare for the kids. You need to be the custodial parent right now. He is unstable, and is going to move another unstable guy into the house to exacerbate the situation.

I do have my own place—I bought a house. We haven’t filed anything as far as our marriage goes, but we’ve been to the court mandated parenting classes, have a parenting plan, and I am the custodial parent on that. It was his parenting time on the day in question, but we were going to trade a day. I didn’t explain that earlier, because it didn’t seem relevant

As for Guy #2, I do not want him around my kids, but he isolates so much that I think it’s a non-issue. He also wouldn’t literally be living in the house. My husband lives on acreage and has a detached garage that he wants to convert to an apartment space. He already converted half of the garage for Guy #1. I’m honestly not as concerned about Guy #2 being there as I am about Guy #1. Guy #2 is self-sufficient. Guy #1, can’t do anything for himself. My husband literally has to remind Guy #1 to shower.

From my husband’s point of view, these guys are just renters, and no different from any other renters one might have. If I were to try and fight him in court on this, I don’t really know what I could argue. I have no idea how much these guys see the kids or how they behave in general. I know Guy #2 has a bad reputation, but I would need something more than a reputation if I wanted to argue that my husband shouldn’t be renting to him and that doing so is putting the kids in danger. The same with my husband—he’s being erratic, but not violent. I could say he’s doing a bunch of weird stuff, but none of that necessary means he’s an unfit parent.

My bigger concern is the effect Guy #2 will have on my husband. I always felt like my husband’s symptoms get worse whenever he hangs out with other veterans, unfortunately. I told my husband this, and he says he would make Guy #2 leave if that happened, but I don’t know if my husband would realize it was happening. He also says he will make the guy leave if he doesn’t stay sober, which I 100% believe.

As for his treatment, the VA originally rated my husband at only 30% for PTSD, so I think they may have sent him to a counselor, but not someone who can prescribe medication. I’m not really sure who they sent him to, but they told him he needed medication. He showed me the message they sent, but never told me who he actually saw.

 

[blackemerald1]

He says he really wants to help Guy #2 to be able to have visitation with his kids. I guess Guy #2 has kids that he can’t see because he has no physical address. I feel like there’s more to the story, but the bottom line is that my husband wants to cancel his remodel plans for the house, and instead use the money to make a second (unpermitted) apartment in the garage for Guy #2. He says they can help each other (this is the same thing he said to me about Guy #1) and that Guy #2 has been sober for “weeks”...

Why does your husband want to help Guy#2? There could be a lot of reasons why this guy currently has no visitation rights with his children.... but I won't go there.

If your husband can spend money that is not yours on accomodation for some guy you don't know and you have no control over it - let it go.

There’s a million blatantly obvious reasons why moving the guy in is a bad idea, but I’m not sure how this should be handled. I think if I tell him no, I will make myself the bad guy, and my husband will move the guy in anyways.

^Maybe send an email to your husband about what your reservations are. I mean the really important ones. The reasons that it will adversely impact your children, your husband, his financial situation and also that Guy #2 is actually an unknown ex con who has addiction issues. ?? :wtf: There are plenty of people who will rent apartments etc., why does it need to be this guy?

Be honest and plain speaking with your husband. He has asked you what you think, so say what is on your mind. Leave him entirely responsible for the decision but certainly I would give him your opinion in a calm and considered way.

If he wants to make you the bad guy - he will.. If he wants you to be the bad guy because he is unsure that he, himself is making the right decision that's ok too, isn't it? Better for you to be the bad guy - and in being so, protect your children and husband from disadvantage and harm? I would and have.

 

[BanjoraLost]

Why does your husband want to help Guy#2? There could be a lot of reasons why this guy currently has no visitation rights with his children.... but I won't go there.

If your husband can spend money that is not yours on accomodation for some guy you don't know and you have no control over it - let it go.

^Maybe send an email to your husband about what your reservations are. I mean the really important ones. The reasons that it will adversely impact your children, your husband, his financial situation and also that Guy #2 is actually an unknown ex con who has addiction issues. ?? :wtf: There are plenty of people who will rent apartments etc., why does it need to be this guy?

Be honest and plain speaking with your husband. He has asked you what you think, so say what is on your mind. Leave him entirely responsible for the decision but certainly I would give him your opinion in a calm and considered way.

If he wants to make you the bad guy - he will.. If he wants you to be the bad guy because he is unsure that he, himself is making the right decision that's ok too, isn't it? Better for you to be the bad guy - and in being so, protect your children and husband from disadvantage and harm? I would and have.

Guy #2 is on 100% disability for PTSD. From what I know about him, I suspect the reason he doesn't have visitation with his kids is because he ghosted on his family. He normally lives in an off-grid cabin in a very remote area, but the cabin has no physical address. I guess this has made it difficult for him to prove he's not homeless. (We have property near Guy #2's cabin, and ours doesn't have an address either.)

My husband isn't necessarily looking for a renter. He's looking for a person he can help. He says helping people makes him feel good. We had a pretty good in-person conversation about all my concerns, and despite the craziness of the situation, I have no doubt in my mind that my husband would not hesitate to evict this guy the second he felt like having him there was a detriment.

The money issue is the only thing I didn't really talk about with my husband. I mean, he is 100% using his money to make this guy an apartment, so I probably shouldn't say anything anyways, but I hate to see him basically throwing away his money. The apartment will not be able to be in compliance with local regulations, so he's not really adding equity by building it.

 

[BanjoraLost]

I think there might be a bit of a push/pull dynamic developing?? (Or maybe we're in one--this isn't our first breakup, but it's been almost a decade since the last one.) My husband originally wanted to get divorced as soon as possible. I never wanted that, but after making my feelings known, I've gone along with the process. Now it seems like he's completely backed off on the divorce, and is barely making an effort to file legal separation. I'd like to get something filed soon, but he has the paperwork right now. He just needs to sign it. I keep mentioning this to him, and all he says is that he's busy and will get to it. He already signed an earlier version, but it had to be amended after a legal review. Most of the changes are administrative, so I don't know why he's just sitting on it. He's had it for over a month.

On top of that, my husband's communication levels with me have gone from almost nothing (except necessary matters) to suddenly reaching out about all kinds of stuff. I'm never sure what to do when he does this, especially when he starts discussing PTSD matters. I'm trying to listen and be supportive, but I also don't want to become a doormat.

So yeah...I'm not sure what's going on. The other day my husband actually expressed concern that I hated him--which I don't. He just freaked out because I didn't answer the phone when he called me at work. I guess he thought I didn't answer because I hated his guts (he sent me an email about it) but I actually just wasn't at my desk. More recently, I've been getting the impression that he's concerned for my general safety. It's really weird.

Most of this is new development since the beginning of November, but I did note that he was full speed ahead on the legal paperwork until he had his PTSD treatment. I supposed that could just be a coincidence, but who knows. He's still waiting on followup treatment, which is infuriating. I'm trying to be patient with the situation, but it's really hard dealing with someone whose words and actions don't really match.

Also...if anyone is wondering about Guy #2... It sounds like he's going to be camping at my husband's house until the garage is renovated. I guess they can't start the renovation just yet. Guy #2 normally lives in an off-grid cabin, so camping is pretty normal for him. I still think this is really weird, but I know my husband would make the guy leave if he was causing any kind of trouble.

 

[Deanna]

Can't he be subpoenaed?