Relationship PTSD Divorce?

[Deanna]

I'm with Justmehere. I'm sorry it's turning out this way. I'm a sufferer so I'm trying to figure out where his head is.. Maybe he will tell you more in a year, but I wouldnt count on anything. Sounds like he is taking a first step of some kind. I'm wondering if he might be coming out as gay now, but I don't know. Wish I did!

 

[blackemerald1]

I admire your grace in all of this @BanjoraLost - because if I was you I'd be very confused. :hug:

 

[BanjoraLost]

Is he taking care of the kids in a house without the lights on and the heat off? I'm glad he is asking for more help with the kids, but that may need to be stepped up even more. I think your concerns about how his symptoms could affect the kids is reasonable. Young kids can be sponges.

Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer so that you have your ducks in a row in case this moves further towards divorce?

My husband has the lights off when he watches the kids. The kids are allowed to turn the lights on in their rooms, but they have to turn them off as soon as they leave. The rest of the house is dark, and they use a portable LED light to see. They do get heat from the fireplace, which is designed to heat the house, but he's only making a fire right before bedtime. I'm working on getting moved into my new house, but it will still be a few weeks before the kids can stay with me overnight.

As for the legal stuff, we actually filled out all the paperwork ourselves (without lawyers) and I had it reviewed per local requirements. I'm still working on a final draft of everything, but we'll probably file a separation agreement sometime next week.

 

[BanjoraLost]

My husband had his first treatment yesterday...it was rough. I took the kids before he left and kept them until bedtime, but he wasn’t at the house when I got there. I sent him a text, but I wasn’t sure he’d get it since his phone only works on WiFi. We waited in the driveway for 30 minutes before I just took the kids in the house. I was going to put them to bed and wait for him to get there, but then he finally texted me. He said he was in a bad place and needed me to take the kids for the night. I could tell he was drunk.

So I loaded the kids up and took the to where I’m staying. I told my husband that I understood and that I knew he’d had a rough day. Then he said he wanted to talk and wanted to know how I was doing. I didn’t really know how to respond to that message. I thought about it for a bit and just told him that we’d arrived at his brother’s house (I’m renting a room there) and that I was proud of him for getting treatment and that the kids needed him. He responded with a thank you, and I didn’t talk to him again until this morning, when he called me in a panic.

I guess he woke up and didn’t remember where he was or where the kids were. I told him I was getting everyone ready for school and to make sure he was taking care of himself. That seemed to agitate him and he ended the call abruptly. He called back a few minutes later to ask a question about the kids. He wanted to know if I had shoes for them and wanted me to bring them home. I took them home and talked to him a bit—he seemed fine, as far as I could tell. If he was hungover, it didn’t show.

I think I handled the situation pretty well, but I’m concerned about his ability to care for the kids. I can’t really take more days off. Right after his appointment, he asked me to try and take “convalescent” leave... I think he meant FMLA. He was adamant that he needed to schedule more appointments, so I took that as a good sign. I asked him about that again this morning, and he still wants to do FMLA.

If anyone has any tips or advice, I’d appreciate it. I’m happy he wants me to take FMLA so he can get help, but I won’t be able to take FMLA if we actually get divorced. I wanted to tell him this, but I didn’t think the timing was appropriate.

 

[Tinyflame]

he wants me to take FMLA so he can get help, but I won’t be able to take FMLA if we actually get divorced. I wanted to tell him this, but I didn’t think the timing was appropriate.

I think the timing is appropriate, and critical. Put your kids' safety and needs first.

Good luck to you and your family. :hug:

 

[BanjoraLost]

I guess whoever he saw at the VA got back to him and told him his case was too complicated for their level of expertise. Now they referred him to a specialist. I’m not sure how he’s feeling about this news, but I suppose it’s a good sign that he’s talking to me about it at all. I’m doing my best to encourage him to stick with treatment. I know the kids are what’s keeping him going—right now, he can just go into Dad mode and be distracted from his thoughts all day, but the kids aren’t going to be little forever...

 

[BanjoraLost]

I just found out he did cheat. Right after our youngest was born (three years ago) my husband’s old NCO came to visit and told him a lot of dark stuff about Iraq. This was a major turning point in our relationship—my husband was not the same after the guy visited. At some point, either during or shortly after the guy visited, my husband cheated.

My husband won’t provide any details, but it sounds like it was a one time thing. There’s a mix of reasons as to why he did it. Regardless, my husband has felt extreme shame and guilt about this. He was isolating and withdrawn because he couldn’t stand to be around me.

He still wants a divorce, but has now changed his story about what’s wrong with our relationship. Now me being overweight is just a minor issue. The bigger issue is that I’m a bad mom, he says. This is news to me and leaves me feeling offended. I’ve been working full time while he stayed home for most of our marriage. I asked him to elaborate, and I got a single example that I have no recollection of.

We ended up having an emotional conversation about everything, and he says he feels so happy and focused now that I am out of his life and that he will never love me again. Then he gave me a hug and said he cared about me. I’m a bit baffled, to say the least. The cheating thing clearly bothers him far more than it bothers me, and a part of me thinks that is the issue and the other stuff is more about justification than anything.

I’m not really sure what to do now. I’m just so lost.

 

[blackemerald1]

I’m not really sure what to do now. I’m just so lost.

Dear me... this guy is all over the place isn't he?

I don't know what he wants to achieve by demoralising you. He's entitled to a divorce if he wants one without accusing you of anything - isn't he?

I'd be lost too btw. But in terms of what to do - this depends on what you want. If you wish to expedite the divorce I guess you could proceed with that. If you want him to do all of the work and actually do something towards this divorce rather than talk/threaten you with it then I guess you could wait.

I think you're correct in the respect that he may be trying to assuage his guilt about himself, what he's done, what he cannot do any longer and even perhaps his mental health and how that limits him.

He's wanting the focus to be on you rather than himself.

But that doesn't mean that he's correct in his appraisal of your weight or your parenting skills. He's not actually making himself terribly credible is he?

Have you received any proper legal advice about your obligations and responsibilities, also what your rights are? I'd start there if I was you. You need not act on any advice if you don't want to.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don’t care how triggered or stressed somebody is... PTSD does not cause cheating. That’s a bad coping mechanism, not a symptom he had no control over. It’s a choice he made.

Sounds like a lot of justification to me too, and probably a lot of projection. It’s all your fault. YOU’RE the bad parent, not me. I cheated because I was so upset and you gained weight... not because I was a cheater.

Do NOT fall for this malarkey. That is a huge supporter trap. Do not excuse crap behavior because he has PTSD.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

Wow. I really feel for you. I agree with Blackemerald1 and Sweetpea76. Him cheating was a choice that he made and he is the only one responsible for it. PTSD is not an excuse for any of this behaviour. You know what you are willing to accept and what you aren’t. His projection, gaslighting and blaming is a way to take the focus off of him and put it squarely, and unfairly, on you. Claiming that he is so happy without you is just turning the knife. It sounds like he has more going on here than just PTSD...regardless, his words and behaviour speaks for itself.

Do the best you can to eliminate any unnecessary contact with him. You may need to discuss the children with him, but that’s it. You don’t need to listen to him recreating the history of your relationship or your parenting.

Feeling out of control, confused and powerless would be understandable and, frankly, could be exactly what he is going for. Take back control of your life and the children's life, and take back your power. Talking to a lawyer and getting some information about your rights would be a great step. It takes courage to walk away, after giving so much. I know.

Best of luck. Stay strong.

 

[BanjoraLost]

Well, I'm not sure what he wants anymore. The day after he told me he didn't love me (again) we were having a conversation about why our marriage could survive the cheating and other issues, and he suddenly mumbled that he was considering not getting divorced. He said he was thinking we should stick to legal separation and maintain separate households. I interrupted him to ask what we would do if I got a boyfriend, and he said we could get divorced then.

I really don't know where he was going with the whole legal separation thing. I've been meaning to follow up with him. We previously discussed staying married for the legal benefits, but he didn't think it was that advantageous for him. If he changed his mind, it was poor timing for him to bring it up when he did. Staying married for legal reasons makes logical sense, but he's not really behaving logically.

I agree with what others have said about him having more going on that just PTSD. He said some very bizarre things to me when we were first talking about divorce. He was saying we were going to be attacked and that I would be safe once I changed back to my maiden name...the conversation was actually weirder than that, but that's the general gist of it. He's seemed fine since, but has been all over the place in other aspects of his life. He has a few family members with mental illness, so there's definitely a genetic component.

The main reason I'm willing to hang onto this relationship is that he's very serious about getting help. It's probably the only thing he's been consistent on. He's admits the problem is mostly him, and I think he may have some doubts about what he wants. I told him before that I thought I was just a scapegoat and that he would not feel any better once the dust settled on our divorce. I'm not willing to wait forever, but I would like to give treatment a chance to help him before calling it quits.

(For those not familiar with legal separation, it is very similar to divorce--you have to see the judge and everything, but at the end, you're still married. It can be converted to a divorce after six months.)

 

[Justmehere]

I’m so sorry you are going through so much. Have you consulted an attorney? Really knowing from a lawyer the pros and cons of marriage and divorce might help you both out, and protect you and the kids while he gets stabilized.

There may be a way to give him the space to get stabilized... but it’s very possible this is the first of many rounds of instability.

You are doing a lot to protect him and overlook even cheating, and thats your decision to make if you want to try to make it work anyhow, but even if he is straight up delusional now, that didn’t cause him to cheat. His bizarre behavior might be cause for concern about his ability to care for children though. He may have several complex mental health issues going on, and he acted untrustworthy, and now he’s caring for little ones. I know you are in a really tight spot with childcare. Are you concerned he wouldn’t pay child support if he did go through with the divorce?

How is his efforts going to get treatment?

Most of all, how are YOU doing? This is hard stuff to navigate. My heart goes out to you.