Relationship PTSD Divorce?

[mumstheword]

It sounds to me, that, now he feels secure that you don't have any expectations of him, as in, marriage-like expectations, he feels safe enough to reach out to you and is fearful of losing you, when its official.

 

[Deanna]

It sounds to me, that, now he feels secure that you don't have any expectations of him, as in, marriage-like expectations, he feels safe enough to reach out to you and is fearful of losing you, when its official.

I wouldn't give in. My best friend gave in and her husband is a psychopath/sociopath. She now regrets it. I told her so! She had a lawyer and was ready to go and he changed his tune also! Nope. Not this girl!

 

[blackemerald1]

My biggest legal reason for staying married is so I can use FMLA protections for my job if I need to take time off so my husband can go to appointments. Considering what happened after his last appointment, this is a big concern for me.

This ^

My husband originally wanted to get divorced as soon as possible. I never wanted that, but after making my feelings known, I've gone along with the process. Now it seems like he's completely backed off on the divorce, and is barely making an effort to file legal separation. I'd like to get something filed soon, but he has the paperwork right now. He just needs to sign it. I keep mentioning this to him, and all he says is that he's busy and will get to it.

And now this^

my husband's communication levels with me have gone from almost nothing (except necessary matters) to suddenly reaching out about all kinds of stuff. I'm never sure what to do when he does this, especially when he starts discussing PTSD matters. I'm trying to listen and be supportive, but I also don't want to become a doormat.

^I'm unable to even guess why he's had a change of heart and is expressing concern about your welfare etc. Is it creepy for you? Is he gaslighting you or being genuine?

Maybe the psychologist told him not to make any major life decisions until he became more stable and had some consistent medications etc.. Maybe he decided to listen and is now unsure or not wanting the divorce at all. Perhaps he now realises he can have the room/space he desires so much without the divorce. Why don't you ask him?

It could be cyclic - I mean ptsd is.... and he may be coming out of a period of deep distress and realising that he almost ended his marriage during this 'episode' and doesn't know how to save face and re-enter the relationship with you. I mean would you want that since you also seemed to have changed your stance?

With the doormat issue. I'm sure you know yourself well enough to know when to pull back and let him manage himself.

 

[BanjoraLost]

^I'm unable to even guess why he's had a change of heart and is expressing concern about your welfare etc. Is it creepy for you? Is he gaslighting you or being genuine?

Maybe the psychologist told him not to make any major life decisions until he became more stable and had some consistent medications etc.. Maybe he decided to listen and is now unsure or not wanting the divorce at all. Perhaps he now realises he can have the room/space he desires so much without the divorce. Why don't you ask him?

It could be cyclic - I mean ptsd is.... and he may be coming out of a period of deep distress and realising that he almost ended his marriage during this 'episode' and doesn't know how to save face and re-enter the relationship with you. I mean would you want that since you also seemed to have changed your stance?

With the doormat issue. I'm sure you know yourself well enough to know when to pull back and let him manage himself.

I'm sure he's being genuine with his concerns. My husband isn't the sort to be manipulative or gaslight, but I think he can be bad at understanding his feelings. He previously said he felt numb didn't believe his feelings were real, and I think this is why his words and actions aren't really lining up. This was when he asked for a divorce.

Since then, my husband explicitly stated that he wants to do a legal separation instead of divorce, and those are the papers he's sitting on. It crossed my mind that maybe he changed his mind again and wants to just file divorce, but at this point the fastest option is to file legal separation and convert it to a divorce. Even if he has doubts, I don't know why he'd want to sit on these, since we would still be married after filing.

I do think this is a cycle--this separation and our last breakup (nine years ago) are following almost the exact same timeline. It's very surreal.

I've been trying to respect his wishes in this situation, however, I am now struggling to figure out what he even wants. I think you're right when you say the therapist might have said something to him about his marriage, because I also got that impression the day of his appointment. (Based of of messages he sent me later that night.) I'd like to see how further treatment affects him before I decide I want to walk away forever.

 

[BanjoraLost]

I think my husband is stressed or something. On Monday, he had the actual heat on at his house (wasn't using the fireplace) and it looks like he's been sleeping on the couch for the last couple of days. He mentioned forgetting to eat, and said he's been really tired.

I was at his house last night, reading the kids their bedtime stories, and my husband was just pacing in the living room, in the dark--no lights on. He would occasionally come to the door and stare at us reading. I kept thinking that maybe he wanted to talk to me or that he was anxious for me to go home, but he never said anything. It was very weird, and kind of made me nervous. I've never seen him pace like that before.

His conversations with me have started to move from him telling me about his day to him asking me about mine. I think this is a good sign, but I'm still pretty worried about him in general. As far as I know, he hasn't heard back on any further PTSD treatments, and it's going on five weeks since his last one. He hasn't even heard back on his referral, but they might have scrapped it since he asked to change doctors anyways.

 

[blackemerald1]

It was very weird, and kind of made me nervous.

^Ok I don't know you or your husband but honestly listen to your gut. If what he's doing is weird, not adding up, and making you uneasy DO something to protect your children and you.

Does he need more help than what he currently has?

Do you want to help him, if not who can? Possibly he isn't capable of arranging assistance or treatment for himself anymore.

 

[Confused123]

Hi there, I obviously don't know all the details of your situation either, but it really sounds like your husband needs immediate help. After first and foremost making sure you and your kids are out of harms way, I would call a vet crisis line ASAP and have them help you weigh your different options. I really hope you take action sooner rather than later. Sending you strength and love.

 

[Mytime]

Maybe consider taking the kids alittle more. I understand he wants time with them, but kids can be high stress and could be filling his stress cup. If he’s forgetting to feed himself, it’s scary to think he could forget to feed the kids.

 

[Never_falter2]

I don’t know you or him but I agree with what @blackemerald1 and @confused123 said. It sounds like he needs more help than he currently has and actually to me it sounds a bit scary. I may be totally wrong but to me it sounds scary.

 

[BanjoraLost]

So I don’t know the full story yet, but the reason my husband was so stressed and couldn’t sleep is because he was trying to figure out what to do about Guy #2. It sounds like Guy #2 misrepresented his current alcohol usage—he made it seem like he quit and/or was on the path to sobriety. My husband said he would tell me the details after Guy #2 leaves for good. He also said that he felt like having Guy #2 there came at a detriment to his own PTSD treatment goals. I felt this way all along, but I’m glad my husband was able to reach this conclusion himself. The last I heard, Guy #2 is staying at a hotel and not welcome at the house while drunk. My husband said he would call the police if Guy #2 came back to the house drunk.

On top of the issue with Guy #2, some kind of stomach bug hit my husbands house. It started with the youngest throwing up, but he seemed fine after. Initially, my husband thought our son ate something bad, because S3 didn’t seem sick, except for the throwing up part. Our daughter (4) started throwing up the next day. She was throwing up for hours.

I was at my husband’s house (helping with our daughter) when he told me he hadn’t slept in almost two days, because he was stressing about Guy #2. Since it looked like our daughter was going to be up all night sick, my husband wanted to know if I wanted to stay the night. I almost said no, but I knew I’d be at home, stressing about the situation. So I told him I needed to run home and get clothes and a toothbrush, but then I could stay.

I arrived back at my Husband’s house to find complete silence. He put all the kids to bed, and our daughter was actually sleeping for a bit. It looked like my husband was in bed too. I was loading up the dishwasher (dishes hadn’t been washed in days) when my husband came out of nowhere and asked me to hold him. So I did, but I thought he was still stressing about Guy #2. Then he just grabbed my hand and took me into his room. We ended up sitting on the bed and talking for hours. He started by telling me he was an idiot and a bad husband. He also reealllly wanted to be intimate. I told him no at first, but he spilled his heart and we ended up doing it. Then, like naughty teenagers, we were trying to figure out what to tell our parents.

I’m proceeding with caution here. I’ve read enough posts on this forum to know he might suddenly change his mind again, though I do feel optimistic about the situation. We aren’t planning to recombine our households at this time, but that was a mutual decision. He acknowledged he has a lot of issues to work through, but as long as he’s committed to getting treatment, I’m willing to try and make our marriage work.

 

[John Holloway]

My husband is a veteran officially diagnosed with PTSD. We've been married for eight years, but a few weeks ago, he stated he wanted a divorce. His reasons were that he didn't love me anymore, felt that maybe he never loved me, said he realized we were only together because of his PTSD, said that he felt numb to everything, and that our whole marriage was just bad, and I deserved better. He specified a few other reasons, including my post-pregnancy weight gain, but I was pretty overweight when we first started dating, am am currently not much heavier, so I'm not sure how much value I put in that. (We have three small children.)

I've known that my husband was unhappy for a while, but I always thought he was struggling with his PTSD. I wasn't expecting him to ask for divorce. He's been diagnosed for almost seven years, and has never sought professional help, despite me encouraging him to do so. His main symptoms include anxiety, impulsiveness, anger, social isolation, etc. (I've felt like he suffered from depression as well.)

Now that we are separated my husband does seem happier. He's been keeping up with housework and putting his own personal touches on the place. However, he's done some odd stuff too. He turned off the heat and hot water to the house, disconnected his cell phone, and keeps the lights off all the time. He says he's doing these things to save money, but then he went and spent a lot of money on a Jeep that gets poor gas mileage. He's currently heating the house solely from the fireplace, and has installed an instant hot water heater after a month of no hot water. He doesn't make a lot of money, but does have sizable inheritance that he's spending at lightening speed. (I figure the Jeep was $30k, but that's not the only thing he's bought.) My dad (who lost a brother to PTSD) keeps telling me that something isn't right and that my husband isn't in a good frame of mind. My dad says his brother acted in similar ways and is very concerned.

I will say that my husband and I had a similar breakup prior to getting married, and it occurred on almost the exact same date of the current breakup. This could just be a coincidence, but it is also days away from the anniversary of a triggering event my husband experienced in Iraq.

My husband did agree to file legal separation instead of going straight for divorce, and also said he would attend marriage counseling, but only to give me closure, he says. However, at this point, I'm not even sure that's a good idea, because I'm concerned that the issue isn't the marriage at all and that he really just needs help for his PTSD. He did tell me he called the veteran's crisis line, but still hasn't gotten an appointment.

He is the primary caretaker for the kids while I'm at work, so I'm fairly invested in his well-being. My kids need their dad more than I need to be married to him, and I want my husband to be a successful dad. However, I have genuine concern that my husband is only going to feel good about this for the short term, and then revert back into a depressed state once the initial relief wears off.

I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm not really sure what my husband needs. I moved out of the house to give him space, but we still have to see each other all the time because of the kids. I guess I'm looking for some perspective here.

Does anyone have any insights?

i can relate to all that i have c-ptsd and i dont believe i was capable of relationship love before being treated and since being treated i found that those i had around in the past only agitate me now ,not to sound like an asshole but those who are luucky enough to not have had a life that led to ptsd cant relate they cant even come close the triggers are vast and always present i dont even know what love is we need to love ourselves before we can love others ptsd make you feel like your a piece of shit sub human alien like .in defense of those that suffer and will suffer the remainder of their life as there is no cure all there is available is tools and medication to manage it ,I think if anyone on here is giving advice without a degree is causing harm ,,every case of ptsd different

 

[Mytime]

,I think if anyone on here is giving advice without a degree is causing harm ,,every case of ptsd different

I’m a little confused in the meaning behind this statement. Are you saying we shouldn’t be sharing our experiences and what has worked for us as supporters?