Childhood Forced hugging and touching- when does it become COCSA?

[olvidartepenguin]

Hi, new here. I tried to find this "answer" looking at reddit posts, but no one seemed to have quite my situation, so...

Basically, from 6 until about 13-14 when it stopped, my brother (2yrs older) would have these "attacks" where he'd suddenly either grab/squeeze my arm or leg, locked down to the point of pain, or hug me super tight and not let go. Like cuteness aggression, but deeply restraining.

I was taught to "deal with it" because it was just love or affection, and Mom made it seem normal. But as I got older, even though I begged him to stop- even as I started *hitting* him to make him stop- he didn't.

This happened mostly in the backseat of the car, where he had an arm's reach access to me at all times. I could never control or predict or fight it, since he's so much stronger and bigger than me.

There were two isolated incidents where he teasingly went for my boob when I started "developing", which Mom also told me to ignore. I guess I was extra uncomfortable after that.

I understand it would fall under *physical* abuse, or boundary crossing, or just inappropriate. But when is it sibling COCSA? And is it groping/feeling if the areas aren't overtly sexual, like arms or legs? I've got no idea what I'm "allowed" to call this violated sensation & just feel quite lost. Thanks.

 

[beaneeboo]

My gut reaction is from your description, is no, it's not COCSA, but I also think it depends on what sense you make of this experience (because only you know the whole back story of the dynamics in your household between you and your brother growing up).....

I wonder whether in asking the question you have whether it's more about trying to understand what the intention of your brother was? The incident itself whilst annoying, and upsetting ( because your mum always told you to get over him exerting his strength over you), he didn't take it further than those isolated incidents, which suggests something in him realised he was crossing a boundary and shouldn't continue. Which ultimately, I would say, points to him not intending harm in a sexual way and it not being cocsa. (I do want to say that COCSA can still occur when there isn't the intention to be sexually abusive but I think given he stopped and also it didn't go further than touching your boob, it's not looking like cocsal).

Do you know why you're questioning whether it's COCSA? If you really think why this is, it may provide you with helpful answers.... I also wonder whether it's necessary for you to look through the lens of it being cocsa at all, because what you describe is something which has seemingly left questions / a left a negative imprint on you (the longevity of it, your brother not being stopped and your parents not putting boundaries down or teaching you how to). There are issues you can work through within those dynamics without it having to be cocsa related.

Lastly just a reminder that this place is for people with PTSD and those who have a relationship to someone who has it. So if you don't have PTSD, this probably isn't the place for you.

 

[Movingforward10]

I second that it doesn't sound like COCSA. It doesn't sound sexual in nature.
What is similar to sexual abuse though is the disregard for your welfare. And that's the issue here? That someone was hurting you, you were asking him to stop. And he didn't. That is a violation. Kids do this though. Learning about behaviour and right/wrong. It's fairly common. And that's where you were let down by your mum who just dismissed it. You needed her to tell him to stop. And he needed that too. He needed to learn how to treat you (and others) well. And you needed to learn that your autonomy mattered.

So, it's okay to be upset about it all.
But I can't see the COCSA element.

 

[olvidartepenguin]

Thanks for the replies, both. I suppose I forgot to clarify that I do have c-ptsd from my childhood, both parenting & from my brother (many instances of him being physically abusive, Mom emotionally abusive).

Just that these particular memories surfaced almost out of nowhere recently- Seems I readily started suppressing almost as soon as this specific behavior finally quit- and I started to question the actual nature of it.

There's been scattered instances of things I'm certain *would* qualify as COCSA from him, even if he didn't know better / mean it, but since the forced hugging & grabbing was so long-running I was curious about it more. But if it counts; Seems like no.

 

[beaneeboo]

For years i searched for someone to give me the answer as to whether the COCSA part of my experience was abuse or not... it did me so much damage not being able to look at my own situation and trust my inner gut that it was (after many years of therapy and learning how to look at my experience from different angles and understand why it was)...

I would say the best thing to do is not take whether anyone here says it is or isn't but find a therapist who can help you to look at these questions you have, putting all the incidents you remember together (of everything not just cocsa)... and really pull it apart to look in more depth... no one can tell you what you're experience was and they definitely can't tell you what meaning you make of it...

If you feel deep down in your gut that its not OK for you to walk away from this convo thinking that it wasn't cocsa, then chances are there's something in your story which just hasn't been worked out and understood... and that needs to happen for you...

You have developmental trauma whether it was or wasn't cocsa... but i can understand why you want to question your experiences and understand the murkines of it...

There's quite a lot of info out there on non contact sexual trauma which may help (even though yours was contact though not overtly sexualised).

Other things to consider is how you are in intimate relationships now - are you effected in any way which could be related to your brother's treatment of you? This may provide clues either way. As well as trying to separate out how YOU felt about your brother's actions at the time. He may not have intended sexualised behaviour but if it impacted you to the point where you now feel powerless / negatively effected in a physical touch way, with others in your life (e.g partners or anyone touching you who you know) etc etc etc..., then there could be more to unpack... but that's just an example...

I think only you can discern this though and getting a therapist to unpack it all is the best way to do this. Ask if they have experience in cocsa or not though because if you get someone without experience then they could sway you through ignorance. Someone with experience should hopefully understand the complexities of this type of SA and help you navigate your history yourself.

There's also lots of sibling sa resources out there which may help

Good luck!