Childhood Forced hugging and touching- when does it become COCSA?

[olvidartepenguin]

Hi, new here. I tried to find this "answer" looking at reddit posts, but no one seemed to have quite my situation, so...

Basically, from 6 until about 13-14 when it stopped, my brother (2yrs older) would have these "attacks" where he'd suddenly either grab/squeeze my arm or leg, locked down to the point of pain, or hug me super tight and not let go. Like cuteness aggression, but deeply restraining.

I was taught to "deal with it" because it was just love or affection, and Mom made it seem normal. But as I got older, even though I begged him to stop- even as I started *hitting* him to make him stop- he didn't.

This happened mostly in the backseat of the car, where he had an arm's reach access to me at all times. I could never control or predict or fight it, since he's so much stronger and bigger than me.

There were two isolated incidents where he teasingly went for my boob when I started "developing", which Mom also told me to ignore. I guess I was extra uncomfortable after that.

I understand it would fall under *physical* abuse, or boundary crossing, or just inappropriate. But when is it sibling COCSA? And is it groping/feeling if the areas aren't overtly sexual, like arms or legs? I've got no idea what I'm "allowed" to call this violated sensation & just feel quite lost. Thanks.

 

[beaneeboo]

My gut reaction is from your description, is no, it's not COCSA, but I also think it depends on what sense you make of this experience (because only you know the whole back story of the dynamics in your household between you and your brother growing up).....

I wonder whether in asking the question you have whether it's more about trying to understand what the intention of your brother was? The incident itself whilst annoying, and upsetting ( because your mum always told you to get over him exerting his strength over you), he didn't take it further than those isolated incidents, which suggests something in him realised he was crossing a boundary and shouldn't continue. Which ultimately, I would say, points to him not intending harm in a sexual way and it not being cocsa. (I do want to say that COCSA can still occur when there isn't the intention to be sexually abusive but I think given he stopped and also it didn't go further than touching your boob, it's not looking like cocsal).

Do you know why you're questioning whether it's COCSA? If you really think why this is, it may provide you with helpful answers.... I also wonder whether it's necessary for you to look through the lens of it being cocsa at all, because what you describe is something which has seemingly left questions / a left a negative imprint on you (the longevity of it, your brother not being stopped and your parents not putting boundaries down or teaching you how to). There are issues you can work through within those dynamics without it having to be cocsa related.

Lastly just a reminder that this place is for people with PTSD and those who have a relationship to someone who has it. So if you don't have PTSD, this probably isn't the place for you.

 

[Movingforward10]

I second that it doesn't sound like COCSA. It doesn't sound sexual in nature.
What is similar to sexual abuse though is the disregard for your welfare. And that's the issue here? That someone was hurting you, you were asking him to stop. And he didn't. That is a violation. Kids do this though. Learning about behaviour and right/wrong. It's fairly common. And that's where you were let down by your mum who just dismissed it. You needed her to tell him to stop. And he needed that too. He needed to learn how to treat you (and others) well. And you needed to learn that your autonomy mattered.

So, it's okay to be upset about it all.
But I can't see the COCSA element.