Relationship 15yrs..... Wondering How Much Longer I Can "hang In There"

[StoppingTheCycle]

Ok, so this might end up being a little long so forgive me. But this is my first time on here and I feel this overwhelming urge to vent.

I read a post the other day that put me in tears, because it could have been written by me. I've known about PTSD for a while now and the symptoms. I just thought that a lot of what I have been experiencing in my relationship was due to my husband lack of dealing and/or personality.

We met in college and fell in love quickly, despite us both being the others "rebound". We dated for 3 years, were engaged for 3 years and have been married now for almost 9 yrs. The good times are great and the lows are horrendous. There isn't much in between. I understand that every marriage has it's ups and downs and nothing is perfect. I don't expect perfect. He hasn't put hands on me since the very early stages of our relationship, however he has threatened and come at me. I can't count how many holes he has put in the walls of the different places we have lived in over the years. Or personal belongings he has destroyed in a fit, including computers. Some days it's like he wakes up determined to get pissed about something that day and let whatever be enough cause to go off on a rampage. These days his pain dealing is done with words. I'm not sure which is worse.

This isn't new, I can vividly remember some of the things he has said to me or called me over the years. But now we can go several months between having to patch a wall, or fix a piece of furniture. And the verbal tirades....... Wow. I've always know that he loves to talk. No problem, I like to listen. But a perfect example is just the other day. I was up at 6 am for an appointment. We had both gone to bed about 12 am. When I got home around 8.30, he was still asleep. I laid down for a little bit, but then the kids were up, so I got up with them. He slept until around 1 pm. Shortly after he got up the kids were ready to take a nap. He suggested we lay down as well, since I was probably tired. But instead of sleep, he lay there for two hours and told me how unsatisfied he is and what a "frigid c*nt" I am. Most the time it is easier and over faster if I just listen and don't say anything or show any emotions, despite how I am screaming on the inside. So I just lay there and listened. When the kids got up, I simply got up and went to tend to them. The day finished out with minimal conversation between us.

After the kids were in bed and we had eaten, he asked if I wanted to rent a movie from our cable box. I said sure, despite the fact that it was 11 pm. So we sat across the room from each other and started watching. Almost an hour into the movie, I feel asleep on the couch. Not because it was a bad movie, but because I was just physically and emotionally exhausted. Without a word he shut off the TV and went upstairs. This woke me up and I apologized for falling asleep. He then proceeded to make me feel sorry for being tired and told me that he is used to it because all I do is sleep....... Really?! And this isn't out of the norm. He will get like this every so often and once he has yelled and screamed and vented, he feels better, so there will be a period of silence and then he goes back to life as if nothing has happened and all the things he has said to me and called me and made me feel are normal and all is well now. Without apologizing or even acknowledging what has happened.

 

[SRE7267]

A.T. ,

Let me just start by saying, I'm glad you have found a place where you can express yourself and where there is a "community" of people who can relate to your circumstances. And while as you read more posts and find yourself relating to so many others in similar circumstances, I do also want to voice my thoughts on what you described.

Your husband's PTSD certainly makes the relationship dynamic difficult -- it's a tough struggle for all who are closely involved. However, his PTSD does not give him the excuse or the right to treat you the way you described him treating you. Sure, being open, understanding and gentle when he is having difficulty dealing with his symptoms is part of your role as a supporter. You love him and are invested in your relationship after 15 years and having children with him. However, that does NOT mean that you are his "emotional punching bag" or otherwise.

You have a duty to YOURSELF to love, support and care for yourself just as much, if not even more than you do for your husband. If someone were speaking to your husband or children the way you describe him speaking to you -- would you stand for that or would you step in and take action to change the way that person was treating them? You need to do this for yourself as well. It is HARD especially with the instability and uncertainty of how your husband will react in any given moment. This is all part of his PTSD - the ups and downs... But after 15 years, it's time to start trying to manage them rather than just allowing it to continue the way that it has been.

I'm sure you don't want to have to continue to wonder when the next time will be that you have to patch holes in the walls, and I'm sure you and your husband both want to raise your children in an environment that oozes love, support, comfort & safety, and I'm sure that on the good days, it's so good that you can be okay with the bad times -- because it is normal to have ups and downs. But the downs you describe are not healthy for you, for your husband or for your children.

My hope for you is that your husband seeks therapy to start learning to better cope with his PTSD symptoms because god knows, he is hurting so much inside and doesn't WANT to act that way. I also hope that you find a way to navigate this delicately but strongly so that you take care of yourself and do not stand for him to speak to you in that manner or treat you in that manner. You do not deserve that. I would suggest seeking therapy for yourself individually as well and to continue to read through this forum to find ideas on what kinds of things you can do to take action to start repairing some of the emotional damage. Wishing you, your husband strength and peace. If you are both willing to work on changing this, you will come out on top! All the best to you and your family!

 

[StoppingTheCycle]

Thanks. I have researched and plan on calling to set up an appt tomorrow morning and get my counselling started. I know these things. I tell people the same things everyday. I work in healthcare. It's much easier to teach than it is to do. Like they say "Those who can't do, teach". I try not to let it show around the babies, but I know my olds is more able to pick up on my moods and I know she has seen his temper. I hate that, more for his sake than anything. One of his biggest fears is to "become his father".

He has been in therapy for around a year now and on meds. I just keep thinking, "yeah, but he lived in that environment for 19 yrs and is still occasionally thrown back there when contact is made again". So he knows nothing else. I know it will take time and effort on both our parts. I have trouble setting boundaries, or at the least keeping them when it comes to me. But yes, when it comes to family I most definitely wouldn't tolerate a fraction of what I have dealt with from him over the years. And yes, the instability you mentioned of how he might take things has me on edge most of the time.

When I get some remotely bad news I become sick physically and put it off until a "good time" to tell him whatever it is. Doing that now actually. I got some horrible news about my credit the other day, and haven't told him yet. Trying to figure out if I can just take care of it on my own so he doesn't have to know. I hope to god that is what happens, because any scenario I have played out in my head is not good.

 

[SRE7267]

I hear you - I also work in healthcare and I also find it easier to teach others than to take my own advice... but recently I've come truly in touch with the fact that I need to take my own advice if I ever want my circumstances to truly shift from where they've been. Ouch, it does really hurt sometimes to take a deep look into myself and to really see the situation for what it is rather than to brush the emotional garbage under the rug, but I know that when such strong emotion is evoked in me, it means it's time for me to really pay attention and explore that further.

I'm glad to hear that your husband is in therapy and on medication - that's a great place for him to be starting and I'm glad he is willing to continue in therapy. I hope that by going to therapy yourself, that the two of you can work through all of this as the unit you are meant to be :) It may be worth trying a therapy session together so that you both can safely express yourselves without fear of the reaction afterward since there would be a licensed therapist with you to help guide your conversation. This can be a very safe and comfortable place for the both of you to learn about each other and from each other -- even with those more delicate topics.

I'm not one for advocating keeping secrets from your husband in hopes that you can handle it on your own before he ever finds out (health-wise, financially or otherwise) because the truth is that secrets can make things worse in your relationship and you shouldn't always have to be the one handling all unwelcome circumstances -- you have a partner in this life to share those burdens with. HOWEVER, with that said, if your husband is in a place right now where his PTSD has a stronger hold on him and he's not in a place where it would be healthy for him to take on that extra stress, then waiting for a better time may be the best decision so that he can continue to heal. This is where it gets so tricky with PTSD because anything can throw them off track and we, as their supporters, wind up taking on huge burdens that become overwhelming for us. It's important for you to have support from somewhere if you are unable to ask for it from your husband because of where he is at in his process. So continue reaching out to friends, family, us here on the forum and your therapist, even about your credit concerns -- this is a place for you to get support in whichever aspect you need at the moment.

And with meditation as part of my own personal practice, I was to share that our thoughts can be our own worst enemies so something that stood out to me that you said was:

"I hope to god that is what happens, because any scenario I have played out in my head is not good."

Playing scenarios over and over in our head -- those are just our thoughts bombarding us with the worst possible cases... we can easily get trapped in the cycle of thoughts and this is a huge part of what produces stress in our bodies. This kind of chronic stress from chronic thought patterns like that can make us both mentally and physically ill. Higher rates of depression, lower immune system... the whole 9. So when in a place where you are playing scenarios over in your head, I encourage you to stop for a moment, take a deep breath or two, remind yourself that you don't ACTUALLY know how the situation is going to play out and then attempt to shift your thoughts away from the cycle of thoughts that are holding you down. Much of the time our thoughts play out worse scenarios than actually take place when all is said and done -- so it's a lot of hype that stresses our bodies and minds unnecessarily.

Hoping your session with your therapist goes well!