2nd day in bed

[willhealeventually]

Long weekends are extremely hard. Usually I’ve been able to get a few hours of rest and talk myself into getting up and doing things. But this is the second day I can’t get out of bed. I feel paralyzed.
The reality of my situation hit me - my life is not what i hoped it would be. I have no job, my husband left, and I am incapable of pulling myself back up.
I have 2 advanced degrees and rich/varied work experience, but I feel incapable of even updating my resume. I wonder if my life is over and the next step is an institution or homelessness. I feel everything slipping away from me.
Maybe it will get better and maybe it won’t. I’ve become isolated and don’t have much support. I feel ashamed that this is where I am now. Nothing I had I have now. I see other people just enjoying their lives, going to cookouts, and laughing.
I am in so much pain - physical and emotional.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You have a mental illness along with your degrees. I was an RN before I had a breakdown. I can't do that anymore. Now I am a homesteader and chicken breeder because I can't be around a lot of people. Your life isn't over, you have to find a life that you can be in, which is different than the life you envisioned. I really wish you the best.

 

[ladee]

I have been where you are thinking that my life would never get better or different. I do understand. As most everyone here does.

The key word in the above paragraph is 'thinking'. This is where PTSD has most of it's power. In my thinking. So, I've spent all these years learning to 're-think' my life and even if I could not envision a future sometimes, I could envision the next few hours.

So our journeys are about taking our power back. Many many of us here are doing it. Baby steps. then we learn to stride. Give yourself a chance at a different life.

I too wish you well. And hope you find something to hold on to that will help. This can be done. It can.

 

[willhealeventually]

I have trouble re-envisioning my life.
And I have people depending on me financially. They are depending on me - my kids - to find new employment in the next 3 months. I don’t want to fail them and I don’t want to make choices (or do nothing) to drive my life further to a point of no return.
I have not yet accepted that I have a “mental illness” - I can’t bear to think of myself that way. I am guessing that’s why some people take their own life eventually - because they can’t live feeling that everything they worked hard for is gone because someone hurt them at some point. I don’t only have to accept that I was hurt, but also doubly accept that I don’t have the same options as I could have?

 

[ladee]

It is hard. To look up and everything you thought to be true and real has changed. I've had PTSD my whole life. So it wasn't hard for me to embrace that my brain had been 're-arranged' due to constant stress and being on alert.

And this is very treatable. Very. You being here on this forum affords you the opportunity to read around on the threads that you feel you relate to and hopefully come to a different conclusion about how you want to proceed.

We don't realize it at the time, but reaching out and letting others know what we are struggling with, is the bravest thing we have ever done. We don't have to accept that things are not as we would desire them to be, to start working on finding out what is going to help us heal and learn new ways to navigate this life.

Nothing has changed in regard to your education and professional life. That is still intact. You may not be able to navigate that right now, but it doesn't mean you won't be able to in the future.

Were you diagnosed with PTSD? Do you have a therapist? Have you received any help with this depression? Sometimes we have to do first things first. Like getting the depression treated before we can start to untangle what we need to do next.

I encourage you to read around the forum. Read stories of people who have felt just like you do, or are feeling that way now. It's valid and real. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Hard to understand that when that is what we are feeling at the time. I understand that.

I know there are articles about 'mental illness' here but can't tell you where they are right at this moment. It helps us to understand there is no stigma in needing help to get back on our feet.

I continue to wish you well and am glad you are here. Not glad for the reason, but glad you let us know you are here.

 

[willhealeventually]

It is hard. To look up and everything you thought to be true and real has changed. I've had PTSD my whole life. So it wasn't hard for me to embrace that my brain had been 're-arranged' due to constant stress and being on alert.

And this is very treatable. Very. You being here on this forum affords you the opportunity to read around on the threads that you feel you relate to and hopefully come to a different conclusion about how you want to proceed.

We don't realize it at the time, but reaching out and letting others know what we are struggling with, is the bravest thing we have ever done. We don't have to accept that things are not as we would desire them to be, to start working on finding out what is going to help us heal and learn new ways to navigate this life.

Nothing has changed in regard to your education and professional life. That is still intact. You may not be able to navigate that right now, but it doesn't mean you won't be able to in the future.

Were you diagnosed with PTSD? Do you have a therapist? Have you received any help with this depression? Sometimes we have to do first things first. Like getting the depression treated before we can start to untangle what we need to do next.

I encourage you to read around the forum. Read stories of people who have felt just like you do, or are feeling that way now. It's valid and real. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Hard to understand that when that is what we are feeling at the time. I understand that.

I know there are articles about 'mental illness' here but can't tell you where they are right at this moment. It helps us to understand there is no stigma in needing help to get back on our feet.

I continue to wish you well and am glad you are here. Not glad for the reason, but glad you let us know you are here.

Thank you for your support. I have been diagnosed with ptsd, agoraphobia, and major depression. I have a psychiatrist/therapist. I am currently in a partial program during weekdays with group therapy. But this long weekend is painful. No one around.
I have never felt so alone (physically) in my life. My sons are at a cookout with relatives. It’s my ex’s family and I am no longer part of it. I am not part of anything. I found I lost my job on Friday.
I’ve been learning a lot about ptsd since my diagnosis, but it all feels so surreal - like it’s all happening to someone else. My older son came upstairs asking me what he could do for me. It’s hard for him to watch me spiral downward. I don’t know what to tell him. He wants to hear that I have hope. That I’ll get back up. My little one wants to hear the same thing. They look in my eyes and see emptiness.
The more I share, the more I realize just how hopeless I feel. I’ll browse the forum and see what I can find...

 

[ladee]

I think that you searching out help and support is hope. Letting others carry that hope for you and support you where you are until you can find a glimmer for yourself.

It takes courage to let others know the pain we are in. So please remind yourself of that, even if it doesn't 'feel' like courage.

That is wonderful that your sons are concerned about you. I know you want to be present for them, but right now you are really doing the best you can. And as hard as it is to understand, your best is good enough considering the pain you are in.

You can tell your sons you are working on finding your way out of what is going on right now. That it will take time, but you are doing what it takes. It's ok if they don't understand. But it does sound like they love and respect you. That is beautiful.

By you saying you will look around the forum speaks volumes about you wanting to find that hope. You truly are doing better than you are feeling!!!

Very glad to hear you have such great support set up in regard to a therapist and other support. And being here, finding out you aren't alone with your feelings, and that it really is 'normal' for the healing process will take some of the pressure off thinking that with a 'label' that means there is no way out.

Just take your time. We are here for you to reassure you that where you are right now, will not last forever. It also sounds as if there is some grieving going on. That is hard work and hard to separate all the feelings that go with losing your job, and the combination of all that is happening right now.

Keep posting if you want to or need to. Read, ask questions about things and remind yourself that you are not alone. There are hundreds of us here walking this path you are on.

Gentle hugs of encouragement if you accept. If that is too much right now, just put them on a shelf and take one down if you need it. :hug:

 

[willhealeventually]

I think that you searching out help and support is hope. Letting others carry that hope for you and support you where you are until you can find a glimmer for yourself.

It takes courage to let others know the pain we are in. So please remind yourself of that, even if it doesn't 'feel' like courage.

That is wonderful that your sons are concerned about you. I know you want to be present for them, but right now you are really doing the best you can. And as hard as it is to understand, your best is good enough considering the pain you are in.

You can tell your sons you are working on finding your way out of what is going on right now. That it will take time, but you are doing what it takes. It's ok if they don't understand. But it does sound like they love and respect you. That is beautiful.

By you saying you will look around the forum speaks volumes about you wanting to find that hope. You truly are doing better than you are feeling!!!

Very glad to hear you have such great support set up in regard to a therapist and other support. And being here, finding out you aren't alone with your feelings, and that it really is 'normal' for the healing process will take some of the pressure off thinking that with a 'label' that means there is no way out.

Just take your time. We are here for you to reassure you that where you are right now, will not last forever. It also sounds as if there is some grieving going on. That is hard work and hard to separate all the feelings that go with losing your job, and the combination of all that is happening right now.

Keep posting if you want to or need to. Read, ask questions about things and remind yourself that you are not alone. There are hundreds of us here walking this path you are on.

Gentle hugs of encouragement if you accept. If that is too much right now, just put them on a shelf and take one down if you need it. :hug:

@ladee thank you for everything you said here. You reflected it all - including catching that there is grief involved. I am grieving my lost marriage and my job, and I often forget that is happening in addition to the ptsd stuff.
This evening it felt like my brain came online and I was no longer paralyzed - it literally felt like something injected into my brain and I came back from the dead. In that other state, I only felt paralysis and brutal pain. Now I actually feel mobile.
What you said resonated so much with me and I will save your response for a rainy day.
Hugs very much accepted. Thank you.

 

[ladee]

:hug: Glad something clicked! Hope things get better each day. Thinking of you!!

 

[mamachick]

I know what it feels like to have that degree that I worked so hard for and sacrificed to get and then the day comes where I don't have the confidence, the motivation, the energy to even send a resume let alone work. My timing was different but there is no good time for this. Over time I isolated like you do as well. I did finally have to accept life on life terms. My life is not what I imagined but accept the reality of my situation.

You just lost your job a few days ago so this state may not last for you. I am so glad that you have a therapist and weekday groups. Its understandable that you feel so bad on these long weekends. Laddee said so many good things I don't need to repeat.

Hoping things get better and keep reaching out here, there is so much to read and relate to.

 

[willhealeventually]

I know what it feels like to have that degree that I worked so hard for and sacrificed to get and then the day comes where I don't have the confidence, the motivation, the energy to even send a resume let alone work. My timing was different but there is no good time for this. Over time I isolated like you do as well. I did finally have to accept life on life terms. My life is not what I imagined but accept the reality of my situation.

You just lost your job a few days ago so this state may not last for you. I am so glad that you have a therapist and weekday groups. Its understandable that you feel so bad on these long weekends. Laddee said so many good things I don't need to repeat.

Hoping things get better and keep reaching out here, there is so much to read and relate to.

Thank you @brat17 . I completely relate to what you described. I appreciate the supply very much...

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm so glad to see that you're feeling a bit better! We are here on long weekends, so you do have someone to talk to.