Sufferer 32 years old and still having emotional flashbacks from childhood abuse

[Cptsdcruiser]

Greetings, first visit to this forum. I’ve had complex PTSD forever but only got diagnosed last year after getting a variety of other less accurate diagnoses over the years (adhd, borderline, etc)

I happened to retraumatize myself pretty badly this year by falling in a financial hole and trapping myself into a lease with my ex who also didn’t want to live with me. Being low income makes you do foolish things. Now I’m having emotional flashbacks every day because my childhood trauma was basically 18 years of not being able to escape abusive parents and now I feel trapped again.


I try to leave the house but find myself crying in random public places when I do (on the bus, on the street, in the grocery store) which is humiliating.

EMDR is slowly helping but not as fast as I’d wish. Have been developing my coping skills for this unpleasant situation until my ex moves out—- calling support hotlines for the morning panic attacks, positive affirmations, reading Pete walkers emotional flashback page out loud.

Anyway that’s my story - if anyone has similar experiences please feel free to rech out. My ex has been disparaging of my progress and I need to surround myself with supportive people also recovering. :)

 

[Riley Jones]

Hello and welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us. It sounds like you've been through a lot and I'm sorry to hear about the retraumatization you experienced. It can be incredibly difficult when past trauma resurfaces in our present lives.

You're definitely not alone in feeling trapped and struggling with emotional flashbacks. Many members here can relate to those feelings and experiences. It's great that you're already utilizing coping skills such as calling support hotlines, practicing positive affirmations, and reading Pete Walker's emotional flashback page. These are all valuable tools for managing symptoms.

Remember, healing from complex PTSD takes time and everyone's journey is different. It's important to be patient with yourself and not put too much pressure on the progress. EMDR can be a powerful therapy, but it's normal for it to take time to see significant results.

Finding supportive people who understand what you're going through is crucial for recovery. The peer-to-peer community here at myptsd.com provides a safe space where you can connect with others who have similar experiences. Sharing your story and hearing from others can be incredibly validating and helpful in the healing process.

If you ever feel the need for additional support, please consider seeking professional help. A trauma psychologist or therapist can offer guidance and support tailored to your specific needs.

Lastly, I encourage you to explore the various forums available on myptsd.com. There are specific forums for topics such as flashbacks, therapy, and relationships, where you can further connect with others and seek advice.

Remember, you aren't alone on this journey. Reach out for support, continue using your coping skills, and be kind to yourself. Take care!

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum!

Financial + housing stress is enough to turn the heat up under ptsd symptoms for sure. Try and be gentle with yourself when you can. You’ve come out the other side of bigger hurdles than this one.

In the meantime? Hopefully this is a place that gives you a sense of community:)

 

[arfie]

hello cp. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i'm 69 and still suffering c-ptsd symptoms on a routine basis. the good news is that i have learned enough about managing those symptoms that they no longer torture me the way they did when i was 32. those lessons are still in progress, but i appreciate class time far more and sometimes even look forward to it.

My ex has been disparaging of my progress and I need to surround myself with supportive people also recovering. :)

whatever the relationship behind the ex-hyphen, nobody disparages like an ex. in my own heart, it is often disparagement which earned them their ex in the first place. like the childhood flashbacks which still haunt me in my head, their memories are even meaner than their physical realities. however, often even my currents are disparaging of my progress, the current me included. progress feels so slow and tedious that i often feel like i'm worthy of every mean name i've ever been called. surrounding myself with supportive people also recovering helps tremendously. emphasis on "also." ya can't understand the challenges of recovery without the experience of recovery. may my loved ones NEVER understand. i wouldn't wish this understanding on anybody, but i am ever so grateful for the support of other victims who DO understand.

 

[Liljulz67]

Greetings, first visit to this forum. I’ve had complex PTSD forever but only got diagnosed last year after getting a variety of other less accurate diagnoses over the years (adhd, borderline, etc)

I happened to retraumatize myself pretty badly this year by falling in a financial hole and trapping myself into a lease with my ex who also didn’t want to live with me. Being low income makes you do foolish things. Now I’m having emotional flashbacks every day because my childhood trauma was basically 18 years of not being able to escape abusive parents and now I feel trapped again.


I try to leave the house but find myself crying in random public places when I do (on the bus, on the street, in the grocery store) which is humiliating.

EMDR is slowly helping but not as fast as I’d wish. Have been developing my coping skills for this unpleasant situation until my ex moves out—- calling support hotlines for the morning panic attacks, positive affirmations, reading Pete walkers emotional flashback page out loud.

Anyway that’s my story - if anyone has similar experiences please feel free to rech out. My ex has been disparaging of my progress and I need to surround myself with supportive people also recovering. :)

Everything you are doing is what I am also doing myself. Crying anywhere I found myself alot.know this is Normal.i had to make a move too since my partner was non supportive either,it was too difficult and know it is hard for them too.i care too much about myself to ever be with someone who doesn't understand. I practice Somatics,Yoga excercise daily since our bodies hold so much of the Trauma and it has helped me a great deal.i was abused in all forms by Family so for me it has taken years to get better. This is me so I believe we are all different. My pain is tolerable and it seems like I am better to listen to my mind and body much better.i am much nicer to myself.Be nice to you,you matter.i know sometimes we don't feel like it but we are worthy.The best to you

 

[Cptsdcruiser]

Welcome to the forum!

Financial + housing stress is enough to turn the heat up under ptsd symptoms for sure. Try and be gentle with yourself when you can. You’ve come out the other side of bigger hurdles than this one.

In the meantime? Hopefully this is a place that gives you a sense of community:)

Thank you so much, I already feel much less crazy reading everyone’s posts and realizing many many many people struggle with trauma the same way as I do

Everything you are doing is what I am also doing myself. Crying anywhere I found myself alot.know this is Normal.i had to make a move too since my partner was non supportive either,it was too difficult and know it is hard for them too.i care too much about myself to ever be with someone who doesn't understand. I practice Somatics,Yoga excercise daily since our bodies hold so much of the Trauma and it has helped me a great deal.i was abused in all forms by Family so for me it has taken years to get better. This is me so I believe we are all different. My pain is tolerable and it seems like I am better to listen to my mind and body much better.i am much nicer to myself.Be nice to you,you matter.i know sometimes we don't feel like it but we are worthy.The best to you

Thank you so much. I haven’t heard of Somatics but I’m looking it up right now, sounds promising!

hello cp. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i'm 69 and still suffering c-ptsd symptoms on a routine basis. the good news is that i have learned enough about managing those symptoms that they no longer torture me the way they did when i was 32. those lessons are still in progress, but i appreciate class time far more and sometimes even look forward to it.

whatever the relationship behind the ex-hyphen, nobody disparages like an ex. in my own heart, it is often disparagement which earned them their ex in the first place. like the childhood flashbacks which still haunt me in my head, their memories are even meaner than their physical realities. however, often even my currents are disparaging of my progress, the current me included. progress feels so slow and tedious that i often feel like i'm worthy of every mean name i've ever been called. surrounding myself with supportive people also recovering helps tremendously. emphasis on "also." ya can't understand the challenges of recovery without the experience of recovery. may my loved ones NEVER understand. i wouldn't wish this understanding on anybody, but i am ever so grateful for the support of other victims who DO understand.

Thank you Arfie, I’m honestly really humbled reading all the replies this morning. Was in a low place last night and feel so understood just posting here the first time!

hello cp. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i'm 69 and still suffering c-ptsd symptoms on a routine basis. the good news is that i have learned enough about managing those symptoms that they no longer torture me the way they did when i was 32. those lessons are still in progress, but i appreciate class time far more and sometimes even look forward to it.

whatever the relationship behind the ex-hyphen, nobody disparages like an ex. in my own heart, it is often disparagement which earned them their ex in the first place. like the childhood flashbacks which still haunt me in my head, their memories are even meaner than their physical realities. however, often even my currents are disparaging of my progress, the current me included. progress feels so slow and tedious that i often feel like i'm worthy of every mean name i've ever been called. surrounding myself with supportive people also recovering helps tremendously. emphasis on "also." ya can't understand the challenges of recovery without the experience of recovery. may my loved ones NEVER understand. i wouldn't wish this understanding on anybody, but i am ever so grateful for the support of other victims who DO understand.

Also I think “may my loved ones never understand” is such a beautiful selfless sentiment

 

[Weemie]

I try to leave the house but find myself crying in random public places when I do (on the bus, on the street, in the grocery store) which is humiliating.

Bro, I'm the king of doing insane shit in public that I can't help. I've had full-blown flashbacks, verbal diarrhea-ing trauma bullshit to strangers, hit-the-deck, screaming/crying, bothering people, having to tuck myself into a ball and not move so I wouldn't hurt someone, actually hurting someone, etc etc etc. Mental illness is brutal and it sucks. If I had my choice, I would never have acted in the ways described above, but there are times that I simply lose my grasp on reality and stuff comes out of me that I cannot get a grip on.

I'm doing my best to learn how to have compassion for the parts of myself that are not socialized correctly. It makes sense that all of this is happening because I have a mental illness with a psychotic component - and while that may not be true for you, trauma is just as legitimate a reason to not be fully able to cope with the rigors of daily social activities. The reason I mention it is because, man, trust me, you've probably not done more insane shit than me. I once propositioned a paramedic, completely out of my mind.

Only reason I know this happened? It's in a doctor's note and they talked about it with me. Absolutely no memory of this, I also wrote down some random ass stuff that is consistent with that note about how they wouldn't move the ambulance until I stopped kneeling, because I thought the paramedic wanted to harm me. Humiliating? Absolutely. Mortifying? Horrifying? Completely, bat-shit, cuckoo? Yup. But we're still here, and we're still people, and it's OK that it's messy sometimes.

 

[Cptsdcruiser]

Bro, I'm the king of doing insane shit in public that I can't help. I've had full-blown flashbacks, verbal diarrhea-ing trauma bullshit to strangers, hit-the-deck, screaming/crying, bothering people, having to tuck myself into a ball and not move so I wouldn't hurt someone, actually hurting someone, etc etc etc. Mental illness is brutal and it sucks. If I had my choice, I would never have acted in the ways described above, but there are times that I simply lose my grasp on reality and stuff comes out of me that I cannot get a grip on.

I'm doing my best to learn how to have compassion for the parts of myself that are not socialized correctly. It makes sense that all of this is happening because I have a mental illness with a psychotic component - and while that may not be true for you, trauma is just as legitimate a reason to not be fully able to cope with the rigors of daily social activities. The reason I mention it is because, man, trust me, you've probably not done more insane shit than me. I once propositioned a paramedic, completely out of my mind.

Only reason I know this happened? It's in a doctor's note and they talked about it with me. Absolutely no memory of this, I also wrote down some random ass stuff that is consistent with that note about how they wouldn't move the ambulance until I stopped kneeling, because I thought the paramedic wanted to harm me. Humiliating? Absolutely. Mortifying? Horrifying? Completely, bat-shit, cuckoo? Yup. But we're still here, and we're still people, and it's OK that it's messy sometimes.

I don’t experience psychosis but I have friends who do and you have all my empathy, it sounds extremely disorienting!

But I do definitely feel unhinged at times and it’s nice to remember we’re all humans trying to cope with pain

Virtual hugs, man

 

[Friday]

<grin> One of my favorite ‘acting crazy in public’ tools to carry around with me? A camera. Virtually any kind of wild ass behavior is instantly shrugged off by those around, if the person doing it has a camera in their hand.

- Oh. They’re trying to get the shot. (Crouching, climbing, laying on the concrete, running hell bent for leather.)

- Oh. They’re directing someone, or waiting on someone. (Shouting, waving your arms around, calethesenics/stretching in the middle of a crowd in street clothes -jogging gear also gets a pass, but a camera lets you act the loon in business suits, or jeans, or stupid shoes- curled up in a ball talking -or having a heated discussion- to your screen.

- Oh. They’ve been in “the zone”. (Suddenly blinking a lot and shaking yourself, looking around themselves like “Where the f*ck am I, and when did it get dark out?”,

- Oh. They’re an artist. (Suddenly breaking down in tears, laughing, and other emotional displays.)

Kids & Dogs are 2 other freebies, as far as people in public go, for almost any kind of outlandish behavior. But? A camera doesn’t need me to stay even halfway sane around it, or feed it, or keep it warm and happy and relatively well adjusted.

 

[Cptsdcruiser]

<grin> One of my favorite ‘acting crazy in public’ tools to carry around with me? A camera. Virtually any kind of wild ass behavior is instantly shrugged off by those around, if the person doing it has a camera in their hand.

- Oh. They’re trying to get the shot. (Crouching, climbing, laying on the concrete, running hell bent for leather.)

- Oh. They’re directing someone, or waiting on someone. (Shouting, waving your arms around, calethesenics/stretching in the middle of a crowd in street clothes -jogging gear also gets a pass, but a camera lets you act the loon in business suits, or jeans, or stupid shoes- curled up in a ball talking -or having a heated discussion- to your screen.

- Oh. They’ve been in “the zone”. (Suddenly blinking a lot and shaking yourself, looking around themselves like “Where the f*ck am I, and when did it get dark out?”,

- Oh. They’re an artist. (Suddenly breaking down in tears, laughing, and other emotional displays.)

Kids & Dogs are 2 other freebies, as far as people in public go, for almost any kind of outlandish behavior. But? A camera doesn’t need me to stay even halfway sane around it, or feed it, or keep it warm and happy and relatively well adjusted.

This is weirdly wholesome and I freaking love it. Time to start carrying my camera around again!