Relationship 76 Times And Counting

[juliettoasurvivor]

Hi guys, this is my first time posting to this site and I was hoping for a lot of advice. I'm currently dating this girl who was molested at least 75 times and raped once by her father, who she still has to visit. I'm currently the only person that knows.

We've been dating for a year now, and everything was okay before the rape (that occurred about two weeks ago). Now, of course, everything is different, I don't know how to help her, I've looked up ways to help and stuff like that, but nothing is seeming to work. She keeps getting drunk to deal with it every single night. She wants to keep having sex, which I'm plenty up for, but every time we do, she has a panic attack.

A few weeks ago she actually tried to strangle me during one of her attacks. I'm not sure what to do anymore about anything, I love her and I want to stay with her, I just don't know what to do to help her, and she refuses to go to therapy. Oh, and if I had just picked up the phone I could have prevented the rape, so that's looming over my head.

 

[rightkindofme]

Oh man. I don't even hear about people who were molested more than me very often. That's scary.

So I'm having big feelings. And I need to be nice. So, you probably should stop having sex with someone who has been traumatized that badly and who can spontaneously try to kill you during the act. At least for a while. I don't see how therapy is "optional" for her. She needs to find a therapist and she needs to shop around and prescreen people on the phone for intensity of trauma before she meets ANYONE. Most shrinks would freak out if presented with a real live person with that kind of trauma.

She's going to be on a hard road. Stop blaming yourself for the rape. If she has been assaulted that many times it is pretty obviously not about you.

 

[rightkindofme]

A few weeks ago she actually tried to strangle me during one of her attacks.

Like, this is attempted murder. You can't handle this on your own.

 

[99Phoenix99]

if I had just picked up the phone I could have prevented the rape, so that's looming over my head.

First and foremost if you keep thinking this way you'll drive yourself crazy. I'm sorry if I come on too strongly but because this is so fresh this is a crucial time for both her and you. You can't think like this. No matter how badly you want it, you can't change what happened. You can't change what happened but you CAN change what's going on right NOW. Don't focus on the past focus on how you help the here and now. That's what's most important.

Therapy doesn't sound optional to me either. Maybe you could offer to go in with her if she refuses to go alone? Prescreening is also really important. Perhaps you could find a therapist for her (take that responsibility off her shoulders), one who has the credentials to deal with this kind of situation. I had to shop around and interview before I found the T I'm with now.

And if she asks for space. Give her space.

And take care of yourself. Be very wary, from what you described she's very much unpredictable. And she will be until you both figure out her triggers.

Best advice:
1. Get her into therapy.
2. Use this site as much as you can to learn as much as you can.
3. Please make sure to take care of yourself.

I very much wish you the best.

 

[nimkekaa]

She keeps getting drunk to deal with it every single night

In my opinion, she has to want the help or there is nothing you can do.

she actually tried to strangle me during one of her attacks.

You need to take care of yourself, for you and her. You don't deserve to be assaulted no matter what she is going through and she could end up feeling horrible for hurting you and it will only make things worse for her. So safety first.

There is lots of information and support on this forum. Welcome!

 

[fight4him]

my question is how young is your girlfriend? If she is still being forced to see her father and he molested her than her Mother needs to know and the authorities need to be called. If this young lady keeps being forced to do something that is causing her great harm then she is never going to heal. If you truly care for this young lady, then you need to let someone in her family know what is happening!

 

[The Albatross]

Or encourage her to file a police report.

 

[nursenurse]

There's more to this story somewhere. If this girl is over 18, she does not have to see her father, period. Which means she is under 18. If she is under 16, at least here in Canada, one would be legally obligated to notify the authorities in any case of suspected child abuse. And while teens everywhere are "doing it," just quit already. If she has suffered this much trauma because of sexual abuse, going at it with you isn't solving any issues. Regardless of your ages, a little maturity is needed here, especially from you because you are probably seen as her protector. She needs to file that police report. Get the scuz off the streets. Good luck, you are both in a very volatile and difficult situation.

 

[Jlso111187]

First, you cannot blame yourself. It is not your fault and you feeling guilty will not help her any. I know this because my husband feels guilty about leaving me home alone with his brother and me getting raped by him. That just makes me feel even worse that he feels as though its his fault.

Second, hold her when she has flashbacks, be there to talk to when she needs to talk. Sex not a very good idea so recent after the trauma. It will mentally mess her up more. This is going to be a hard road for her to go down. She will go though denial, anger, self hatred, and its not a fun life to live. But it will be easier having someone to be there to support her during her hard times. It may get ugly with the things she says or does but let her know you love her and that your there to protect her from whatever it is.