8 Miles

[desiderata310]

That's how I started the day. 8 miles. I needed to prove to myself that I could do that distance before I would finally go ahead and sign up for the half-marathon. I managed to do just that with no ill effects. I haven't lost all my training. I am grateful for the longer meditative runs. They are the best, most quiet part of the day for me. It allows me to escape and to process without actively thinking about things.

When does the age of consent really hit? When can you look at kid and say: they knew what they were doing and they knew it was wrong? When does that happen? When I was a kid I would do things I knew was against the rules and I KNEW it was wrong. So when do you say 'it's abuse' and when can you say, "she wanted it and knew what she was doing was not right"

I'm still fighting with this notion.

Lot's of things have happened to me in my life that have been pretty shitty. I don't always recognize them as shitty because well, it was just normal back then. I've only really realized that, while I complained about some of it, it was more in the sense that you would complain about having to wait a little longer in the doctor's office than you'd like. I know it's worse than I think because of my therapist's reaction. Some stuff just makes me sick to my stomach and I can't think about it. Some of it I only feel is there.

Mom mentioned a friend of the family a few days ago randomly. Did I remember Chuck?

I felt like I had been slapped in the face. That was not a person I had thought about in years. I hadn't thought about him on purpose. I remember Chuck, yes. I remember more than I want to remember. Bits, snipits of something. We lived in Arizona in that hideous, hateful rental house. The house with the deaf girl who lived next door who was slightly older than me. The house where so many ugly things happened. I hate that house. I wish I could napalm it.

Yeah, I remember Chuck. I remember being pinned under him. I remember dad and Chuck, alcohol fueled, laughing at me and me struggling to breath and crying. I remember the smell of Miller beer, the smell of the wet dog, ass brown pile carpet of that shitty rental house. I remember knowing no one was going to stop what was happening because mom wasn't even in the state.

Mom was still talking. Chuck was still alive. He lives on the west coast. I got a little ill. Begged off the phone, made an excuse. I got off the phone. I went upstairs and threw up. Made an excuse and went to bed.

Those 8 miles really were the best part of the day.

Yeah, being gentle isn't an option today.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

When does the age of consent really hit? When can you look at kid and say: they knew what they were doing and they knew it was wrong? When does that happen? When I was a kid I would do things I knew was against the rules and I KNEW it was wrong. So when do you say 'it's abuse' and when can you say, "she wanted it and knew what she was doing was not right"

I noticed your choice of words in your comparison: "it's abuse" versus "she wanted it and knew what she was doing was not right" . In my book "wanting something" (and I'm assuming it's the abuse you're referring to) is not per se connected to "knowing what you are doing isn't right". Knowing it wasn't right when Chuck and your father hurt you doesn't in any way make you complicit to their actions. Even without knowing the details to your story it is very obvious to me that what you went through was most definitely abuse. There is simply no way it could be consensual.

Consent can be revoked at all times, whether verbally or non-verbally or physically. The other party has to notice what they're doing is not or no longer consensual and should therefore stop it immediately. But I'm pretty sure you never consented to this at all.
Also, if you were a child when this terrible thing happened to you, it wouldn't be consensual if you had literally asked for it. A child is too young to consent to such a thing and a parent should always do what's best for their child. Even when you're an adult.

I am so sorry you had to experience such terrible things. Just wanted to tell you that I care and that you are not alone.

 

[Echo]

@desiderata310 - firstly, congratulations on the run (that would kill me, but that's another story!). And as for the rest, I am really sorry you got hit with that. There are no words. Just vile. I understand. Cyberhugs if it helps in any way. :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

What was right, what is wrong; what's consensual, what was forced. I can't remember anymore.
I was 5th grade... 10/11years old? I 'know' it wasn't right but I don't remember fighting all the time.

 

[desiderata310]

I AM alone. No one in my real life knows / cares. The therapist but I don't have any friends here. It is what it is

 

[Echo]

@desiderata310 - the best ploy to stay safe was to freeze or give in. How could you fight someone larger than you? You chose the best way to survive. None of it was your fault. I'm sure you'd never blame a little girl of that age now.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Completely agree with @Echo here. It is not your fault whatsoever. How much you do or do not fight in such a moment of horror and stress is merely a matter of biological processes. You don't choose how you behave in such a situation, your body just responds by getting into default fight or flight mode, in which you can only do what your instincts see fit in order for you to survive, both mentally and physically.
I hope you will soon learn to believe that none of what you have been through was your fault.

And please know that the people here do care. You are important and you deserve to be happy. It's a great step that you're reaching out. Even though the traumas were years ago, I like to see reaching out for help and trying to get better as a way of fighting back.

The people on this forum are here for you. We care.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have gone through a few seasons with no friends at all and it was driving me crazy. There are good people out there you just have to believe, they will find you for you are a good person well worth fighting for.

I am so sad about the hell you survived. And dealing with the aftermath of it is a real bitch.

There were so many times when I froze and did not fight back but just took it. It left me holding the shame that belonged to the abusers and I was a tortured soul for so many years of my life.

I am so glad you had the courage to share with us. The people on the forum got me through some very tough times when I had no friends. I am so glad you found the forum. Being here is an act of bravery and courage and it is very scary to share so I commend you for sharing your pain.

You are a good person so worth fighting for. I took EMDR and I know it changed my life for the better and I was really ready for it.

You are the victim and have not done anything wrong. Freezing is a natural response.

I took a self defense class called Model Mugging. It really taught me to fight back, something I was never allowed to do as a child. I also was not allowed to say no to anyone. These things are ingrained but I have grown much stronger.

I wish you the best on your healing journey and you are not alone here.