Sufferer Miles to go before I sleep

[satelliteskin]

Hi, everyone.

I stumbled upon a post on this site tonight when I was googling pelvic floor therapy.

I’ve been actively seeking/utilizing resources for PTSD for about five years now and I’d never heard of this site! I’m so pleased to be here and I really appreciate the posts + discussions I’ve seen so far.

Background: I had a lot of childhood trauma to begin with, experienced routine exploitation since 12, and I’ve had PTSD specifically since I was 15; the PTSD went untreated and was routinely compounded until I was 19-20 and started therapy; I did two years of DBT while I was on a two-year-long waiting list for trauma therapy; at that point I’d become stable enough to start really unpacking things.

I’ve had a few experiences with sexual assault since then but have been refining the process of discerning healthy relationships/partners, setting boundaries, owning my agency, recognizing what I deserve, etc, and I think I’m finally ready for only healthy, autonomous relationships where I’m safe from violence. I think I’m finally done justifying or excusing or accepting sexual violence as an inevitability, or a thing I’ve earned.

I’m currently 25, in college, living alone, and mostly very happy + proud to be alive.

The last year has been the best and hardest of my life. I feel like I’m mostly out of the woods, so to speak; my life is bafflingly bearable, and even usually happy, and I have so much love in my life.

And even when it’s hard to keep discovering + addressing the consequences of the abuse + exploitation I experienced (which is especially hard to do completely sober, which itself is especially hard with chronic pain/fatigue on top of the trauma), I… I love the process. I’m in love with the process.

I love that I’m still discovering who I am, and who I can be, as I continue to recover. I love learning how and why I am the way I am, how I can keep growing and changing, how many things about myself I already love.

I love finally seeing my potential and my strengths and my resilience, even when I still sometimes, sort-of feel like I deserved what happened to me, or like my past will always have it’s foot on my throat… even dealing with chronic loneliness… because I can feel those things now and still know I can keep going; know that I deserve to keep going.

Sometimes I still feel like rape is my birthright, or something I’m cursed with. But I know now (not only logically, but in a felt-sense of confidence and understanding) that it’s not something I need to accept as a constant threat. And I finally have a life full of people who constantly show me I can expect safety, respect, and kindness.

I’ve never been so functional and competent before. It’s amazing and terrifying. I never thought I could heal even this much, let alone believe I can keep healing.

This last autumn and winter were full of so many challenges and I’m finally starting to feel like “myself” again; and, for the first time, I’m starting to have real faith in whoever that is.

I’m glad to be here, glad you’re here, thanks if you’ve read this far.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi, everyone.

I stumbled upon a post on this site tonight when I was googling pelvic floor therapy.

I’ve been actively seeking/utilizing resources for PTSD for about five years now and I’d never heard of this site! I’m so pleased to be here and I really appreciate the posts + discussions I’ve seen so far.

Background: I had a lot of childhood trauma to begin with, experienced routine exploitation since 12, and I’ve had PTSD specifically since I was 15; the PTSD went untreated and was routinely compounded until I was 19-20 and started therapy; I did two years of DBT while I was on a two-year-long waiting list for trauma therapy; at that point I’d become stable enough to start really unpacking things.

I’ve had a few experiences with sexual assault since then but have been refining the process of discerning healthy relationships/partners, setting boundaries, owning my agency, recognizing what I deserve, etc, and I think I’m finally ready for only healthy, autonomous relationships where I’m safe from violence. I think I’m finally done justifying or excusing or accepting sexual violence as an inevitability, or a thing I’ve earned.

I’m currently 25, in college, living alone, and mostly very happy + proud to be alive.

The last year has been the best and hardest of my life. I feel like I’m mostly out of the woods, so to speak; my life is bafflingly bearable, and even usually happy, and I have so much love in my life.

And even when it’s hard to keep discovering + addressing the consequences of the abuse + exploitation I experienced (which is especially hard to do completely sober, which itself is especially hard with chronic pain/fatigue on top of the trauma), I… I love the process. I’m in love with the process.

I love that I’m still discovering who I am, and who I can be, as I continue to recover. I love learning how and why I am the way I am, how I can keep growing and changing, how many things about myself I already love.

I love finally seeing my potential and my strengths and my resilience, even when I still sometimes, sort-of feel like I deserved what happened to me, or like my past will always have it’s foot on my throat… even dealing with chronic loneliness… because I can feel those things now and still know I can keep going; know that I deserve to keep going.

Sometimes I still feel like rape is my birthright, or something I’m cursed with. But I know now (not only logically, but in a felt-sense of confidence and understanding) that it’s not something I need to accept as a constant threat. And I finally have a life full of people who constantly show me I can expect safety, respect, and kindness.

I’ve never been so functional and competent before. It’s amazing and terrifying. I never thought I could heal even this much, let alone believe I can keep healing.

This last autumn and winter were full of so many challenges and I’m finally starting to feel like “myself” again; and, for the first time, I’m starting to have real faith in whoever that is.

I’m glad to be here, glad you’re here, thanks if you’ve read this far.

Welcome to the myptsd.com community. It's truly heartwarming to read your message and sense the strength and hope you're bringing to your journey. Your ability to recognize and embrace the process of healing is incredibly powerful, and it sounds like you've made significant strides in fostering a life that feels safe and full of love.

Healing from trauma is a unique and personal journey, and it's perfectly okay to hold space for the complexities of your feelings, just as you're doing. You’ve faced tremendous challenges, and the resilience you're showing by continuing to push forward, discovering your true self, and building healthier relationships is commendable.

This community is a place where you can share experiences, seek support, and connect with others who inherently understand the layers of dealing with PTSD and CPTSD. It's a space where you don't have to explain – there's comfort in knowing that those around you have walked similar paths.

There are specific forums on the site that you might find beneficial, whether it’s seeking peer advice, sharing personal stories, or discussing coping strategies. You're not alone, and there’s a wealth of shared experiences and knowledge here to draw from.

If you ever feel the need for additional support beyond peer discussions, seeking professional help is always a valuable option. It's okay to reach out for guidance when uncovering new facets of your journey.

I'm really glad you're here, and I hope you find the continued support and understanding you deserve. Your journey and words are inspiring, reminding us all of the strength that's found in vulnerability and the courage of choosing to heal. Take care.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the community - glad you found us:)

 

[arfie]

hello satelliteskin. intriguing username. . . it gets my sci-fi fancies flying over what it might be like to have skin which serves as a satellite. a secondary tickle reminds me that a square inch of skin contains over 1,000 nerve endings. could we make a case that the skin already serves as a satellite?

getting back to earth and back on topic. . .

Sometimes I still feel like rape is my birthright, or something I’m cursed with.

i'm a child sex trafficking survivor. i put it as having been raised to be a public toilet. sorry folks. the toilet is closed for business.

I love that I’m still discovering who I am, and who I can be, as I continue to recover. I love learning how and why I am the way I am, how I can keep growing and changing, how many things about myself I already love.

hmmmm. . . can i propose this as the healing warrior's anthem?

And even when it’s hard to keep discovering + addressing the consequences of the abuse + exploitation I experienced (which is especially hard to do completely sober, which itself is especially hard with chronic pain/fatigue on top of the trauma), I… I love the process. I’m in love with the process.

yup, it's harder than hard, but the gain is worth the pain. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. at 70, the process is still hard but it has come to serve as a reminder that i still have allot of growing to do.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the site! I am sorry for the trauma you have endured and hope you are as blessed by the forum as I have been.

Your outlook is refreshing and inspiring, I needed to read your words today