A Bit Of Progress?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have been struggling with an emerging memory lately. I don't know the whole story and I may never know the whole story. Yesterday I had a flashback of this trauma. I do not usually share in these flashbacks. I have a part (I have DID) that holds the memory and she has the flashbacks. Yesterday was different. I heard the man's voice and felt the feelings as if it were indeed happening to me. It is related to childhood sexual assault. I am certain of that now and was only guessing at that before.

Today, my therapist read my journal and she asked me about the flashbacks. She asked if I could remember much and I said yes. I had some on Tuesday and some on Wednesday so I had to sort out in my mind. Once I did, I didn't want to say anything about it. But I went in to my session today determined to get this out because I know my body needs the release. I wrote a tiny bit of it down. Then I managed to tell my therapist that I wasn't doing well. She took the paper and pen from me and helped me calm. We talked about angels- not something I really like talking about, but it ended up being a fine conversation. I even laughed a little.

Then, she brought us back to the paper. She asked if she could read it. She did. Then, she asked if I felt like I could write more. I decided to try. I got it all out and then collapsed into the flashback again. Two parts came out to share in that. The part that usually solves the problem of too much feeling by hurting, let herself be calmed with cold rocks and songs. She did not have to throw up.

I managed to leave the session as myself and did not dissociate. It felt like I was getting somewhere. I have been feeling sick, coughing, and struggling to breathe (or feeling that way) since then. I know I have to just keep working through it and try to focus on the fact that this is progress and this will help.

 

[littlelostchild]

It sounds like you did some amazing work during your session. Being able to be calmed with rocks and songs, and not dissociating during really difficult stuff. I wonder if you are now processing more of the memories and feelings. Have you been able to use self-soothing techniques that you have?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@littlelostchild - I am beginning to process the memories and feelings. This is the first week that I have had a flashback, remembered it, and been able to write/talk about it.

My part that likes the cold rocks sometimes can use them on her own. I have a small collection my therapist gave me. She has trouble remembering them and being patient. I use music a lot and plan to carry my iPod with me all the time in my emergency kit. My iPod is always filled with comfort/inspirational songs and I have had some luck with using it this summer.

I am not good at using techniques overall, but that is another struggle altogether and I am slowly making progress.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wish you well @JEKBreatheandBelieve you have the burden of too many cooks in the kitchen. I mean that with the utmost respect. I have not been diagnosed with DID but if I get flashbacks they aren't happening to me. There are two children that hold the memories. This sounds like a breakthrough and I know how difficult it is to have to come to terms with what happened to you. Stay strong if you can and just see this one memory through. It may open a whole new world for you, where you are in charge finally.

 

[RussH]

it sounds like you had a very productive session. I do count it a victory that you were able to face these memories, and still leave the session without dissociating.