A Letter To Him..

[SharkyorBones]

Hey guys,

So I wrote in the introduction post that I had lost my fiancee due to many reasons but he completely cut me out of his life. I reached out to him yesterday in my darkest moment and he replied. He said he was conflicted and didnt know what to do but that he was sure us breaking up is the right thing. I disagree. Hes hurt me terribly I feel abandoned and more alone than ever but I recognise now that being apart isn't the solution. Hes very quick to his temper and the day that he left me he felt very judged by me which was not my intention but unfortunately it happened. The solution to our issues together is that we work on ourselves. I learn to be happy with my own company and not to give my life to somebody because that us very overwhelming for both of us. I need to learn to take care of myself and live for me. But does this mean I have to lose him forever? I can live without him I know I can do it but I also know that I dont want to spend the rest of my life without him. Because even though he is quick to lose his temoer he makes me happy. He makes smile. I feel loved by him though many people tell me he doesnt love me at all. I dont think that's true. I think I overwhelmed him and I think he doesnt love himself very much. I spent my life burying my past and then I met him and I was diagnosed with Cptsd and I tried to get better to make our relationship work. But I know now I got it wrong. If we were to get back together I wouldnt want it to be the same as it was. I need time to heal and im not ready to be with him like that again but I would still like to have my best friend back. Ive written a letter to him in the form of an email actually to this effect and I wondered if I should send it? Or move on?

 

[Justmehere]

I am so sorry for all you are going through. :hug:

I lost people in my life early on in my treatment and recovery process. It was very painful. It felt like my world was ending. Years later, I am glad those people and I went our separate ways. For a couple of people, we never reconnected. For a couple of people, we did reconnect. It is all a lot healthier now.

I want people in my life that want me. I am just beginning to discover what everyone told me back then - those people really do exist. It's become even easier to find those people the more I work on my own fear of abandonment and process the trauma.

The thing about recovery from complex trauma is that people often discover that old relationship patterns that they thought were healthy were actually not very healthy.

I know you miss him very badly. It does seem clear he has closed the door to a romantic relationship any time in the near future. I don't think you will get back any kind of healthy relationship if you keep pushing that boundary. If your letter is about getting back together romantically, then I would hold off on it for now. If your letter is about building a friendship, and he is committed to working on building a healthy friendship and working on his own stuff, then maybe in awhile it would be ok. But right now, I'm not sure a friendship would be easy or possible. Breaking up an engagement is a *huge* wound on both hearts, and it would take a lot of work for both of you to rebuild. I think both of you would also be drawn back into old patterns and you would unintentionally try to chase, fix, or change him and the relationship again, and he would get angry and abandon you again, even as friends.

I don't want to say that you should just move on, because that's so hard to do! But I don't think going back to him is a good idea.

Your thinking is a little black and white about the issue. Not having him in your life right now understandably seems to make you very scared that you will NEVER have him back, and he is gone FOREVER. That may or may not be what happens in the future. For now, the more you focus on today, and the next few steps of your recovery, and doing so without him right now, then the better the future will be.

 

[Daniel Butler]

There are two things that can really help both your depression and PTSD. First I would like to recommend a martial art called Tai Qi (Tai Chi). It is low impact martial art that concentrates on breath helping you to control and relax your mind. It will help to center your body and mind. Not to mention a great deal of other benefits.The second suggestion is volunteer. Volunteering your time is a great way to give of yourself. By doing so you create a by product of self worth and joy.

@SharkyorBones I must admit that when I first read your post I thought I was reading something I had wrote and forgotten about. That is how close your story is to my own. Except I have never had anybody help me through my tough times. Which in a way hasmade me much stronger and wiser.

Now about your fiancee. This is going to be hard. Harder than you might think you are capable of doing. But let him go. It will not benefit you in any way to chase after him. I speak from experience. No matter how much you love him or how much your desire to be with him is. You will only exceed in pushing him further away. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. But, it is sound advise. In the end of it all you will become better for this. I must also, advise not to close off your heart at this point because of your hurting. If fact just the opposite. Open your self and your heart to the world. Love big and love strong. With these feelings so fresh it will be easier for you to realize what others are feeling. That need to to be loved. Is what everybody is feeling all the time. The difference for you is you are feeling it in it's most raw form. Look at this as an opportunity to love the world. This does not mean you can't or won't feel sad. You will, and it is okay to cry when you need to. But, now is the time to love everybody you can. Even those people who have slighted you. That is not to say you have to have those people in your life right now or ever really. But, forgive them anyway. Most of all. love yourself. You are beautiful through and through. Your so called flaws make you unique. Allow others to love you too
Sorry if I rambled on a bit. I just have a lot of personal experience with these kinds of feelings. I hope the best for you.

 

[SharkyorBones]

Thank you both for your replies. They were both kind and wise and have given a lot to think about. In all honesty and as much as I dont want to admit it I have no intention of seeking a romantic relationship with him at the moment. I do have a strong fear of abandonment and have a tendency to be all or nothing in my life and unfortunately mostly in that relationship. My fear is that while I do want him back romantically im not ready for it. I know I would definitely slip back into old habits and thats all too easy but I dont want to be like that anymore. I truly do want to be with him and have the life we planned but it could never happen like that. I need to learn to love without rules including to love myself without rules. I relied too much on his love for me and it was unhealthy but I do miss the friendship above everything else. We get along so well until I start demanding too much or slipping into that vicious cycle of I need you so you must be here for me.

 

[SharkyorBones]

There are two things that can really help both your depression and PTSD. First I would like to recommend a martial art called Tai Qi (Tai Chi). It is low impact martial art that concentrates on breath helping you to control and relax your mind. It will help to center your body and mind. Not to mention a great deal of other benefits.The second suggestion is volunteer. Volunteering your time is a great way to give of yourself. By doing so you create a by product of self worth and joy.

Also I am looking into martial arts atm. I'm going to watch a few groups next week to see which one is the best for me :)

 

[whserenitynluv]

In all honesty and as much as I dont want to admit it I have no intention of seeking a romantic relationship with him at the moment... My fear is that while I do want him back romantically im not ready for it. I know I would definitely slip back into old habits and thats all too easy but I dont want to be like that anymore. I truly do want to be with him and have the life we planned but it could never happen like that. I need to learn to love without rules including to love myself without rules.

That's what I want too