Relationship A Little Concerned

[Determinedone]

Ok his emotions have been way over the top all weekend. Yesterday he came home early from work, I returned from the store happy to see him. A few hours later he left without saying a word. It was around 5? He state gone until amost 9. He's home for about 10 minutes and says hey I'll be back I'm gonna go get somethig to eat? I ask if I can go he looks back at me ignores me an walks out the door. No more than two minute later he calls one of our sons and asks if they wanna go with him? Can someone help me to understand why he does this? It seems intentional. So he returns and seems all nice again.

Well this morning were talking and he does his normal for the past 6 weeks high is reject everythig ISO for him. No touch, intimacy, or conversation. Unless it's about bills or the kids he's not speaking. Don't understand this either. Anyway he blurts out of nowhere e has an interview tomorrow. Tell him I'm excited for him and ask where. He says it's none of my business an I don't care anyway so why ask? This isn't true at all an he knows better. He also says we don't care about him? This is also false. I ask him to please working on trying a little harder by either speaking to me, seeing a counselor or at least going to church. Well that pissed him off and he said he's gonna do nothing now because I said he's not trying? Everything I say is wrong, it's been almost two years home. Why does he think we don't care about him? And he even mentioned going back overseas again soon?

I don't know why he would wanna do that when a lot of thins are going on rite now. Along with the fact he hasn't even adjusted to being home yet. So he cooks dinner for me tonight and says see I'm trying. Then half hour later he followes it up with don't get confused shits no rite with us and I gotta be happy? Wth? I'm beyond confused but I told him I love him an wot give up on us I just need to know he wants it too. He says if I didn't I wouldn't be here but don't et it twisted? Ahhhhh. Can someone please confirm I'm not going crazy? Is anyone else dealing with this?

 

[Sweetpea76]

That sucks Determinedone.
.

I don't know why he would wanna do that when a lot of thins are going on rite now.

If he is stressed or not feeling well he is not going to be himself. If there are a lot of things going on, he may be having a bad time of it. Have you read the stress cup explanation? If not, it is an eye opener as to why your sufferer may be acting like he is. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

One of the best skills a supporter can have is not taking things so personally. It's hard to do, and takes awhile to get the hang of it. I'm not saying to tolerate crap behavior, abusive language, or deliberate cruelty. However, if you can recognize that he is stressed, and know that he is lashing out because of it, then you can learn to not sweat the small snarky stuff. You are not being a doormat when you do that, you are choosing to limit the negativity you are taking on.

 

[Determinedone]

No I haven't read that but I will thank you for sharing. One of the hardest parts about this is not knowing why he's so angry, distant with me? And why does he intentionally do things to hurt me? Like the incident with the food and asking our sons after ignoring me when I wanted to go? It's strang at times because he also mentioned that he likes beig alone. In fact he prefers it and if he could go see here and never have to talk to people again he would? Wth?

 

[Sweetpea76]

He may be lashing out, and you are the closest, easiest target. It sucks.

 

[Determinedone]

I'm so confused at this point. I went to see the counselor that I've been going to for the past 6 mths alone, she supposedly specializes in ptsd. She told me yesterday that I need to just leave my husband because es showing obvious signs if not wanting the marriage, followed by manipulating behavior of acting like he does for a few days. She said he's not sure if it's ptsd or he just wants out. But that this is emotionally abuse and I need to run and not look back. That's he last thing I wanna do. I'm still very much in love with my husband.and I'm far from ready to give up.

 

[Determinedone]

Btw thanks for the link I've heard tht before and it is very useful.

 

[Friday]

Working backwards (and keep reading because you won't like the first bit at all)

- Love isn't a reason to stay. (Nearly) every man and woman in an abusive relationship loves their abuser. Most don't drop charges of domestic violence because they're afraid. They drop them because they love them. They go back because they love them. Movie malarkey is not real life. Love doesn't conquer all, and it's not all you need.

- Just because we have PTSD doesn't mean that we aren't also jerks, or abusive.

- Just because therapist lady says she's an expert in PTSD doesn't mean she is one. Or she may be very well versed in one kind of trauma, and not at all in what your husband is dealing with. My old counselor, for example, is super well versed in sexual trauma and not combat. The way I respond to a lot of things baffled him, because it's often the opposite end of the spectrum kind of response he was used to. He was fantastic, but he had to go look a lot of stuff up. Oh. Okay. That's totally normal. Face palm. He was amazing for other things, don't get me wrong, but his knee jerk responses were totally off in this area.

- I'd suggest a 2nd opinion, at the very least.

I just did something very similar to my own family this weekend. Yes, I was being a twat. No, I wasn't manipulating them, or trying to hint at something (I happen to be pretty direct, but I'm not your husband. Maybe he's a passive aggressive hinter extraordinaire. That warning after doing something nice, so you wouldn't put too much stock in/get your hopes up (to come crashing down) in it being normal any time soon is classic "me", though. Again, trying to be nice. Shattered hope sucks.). What happened was that I felt awful, needed to drive to clear my head, no I did not want my mom with me, but even walking 10'feet away felt better. Then spur of the moment decided to do something "nice" and get my niece and nephew out of my mom's hair for a couple hours... And they wouldn't stress me out the way my mom would have done. My mom would have wanted to "talk". My niece and nephew want to make ridiculous faces and eat fries. Worlds apart. Sigh. So now I get to apologize for being "nice". Again. Dammit. Didn't even think it would hurt my mom's feelings. Probably did, though.

 

[Determinedone]

Friday Jones~ your rite lol I didn't like the first part. Not one bit. He has combat ptsd although he was workin ing /linin in a fob for almost 3 years and not in direct combat, they were still in a war zone and a lot of bombs went off (ied i think they're called?) going off an friends being killed. He suffered more than he cares to share. The most confusing part to me is he says he is staying to see if it will work, but when I see him enjoying the good days a few days later he will say it's not gonna work or we can't et along? But I'm not arguing with him. I honestly don't been know why he's so full of rage an anger? And he's this way to our children as well not just me. When he gets really pissed he shuts me out if intimacy, conversation and everythig yet swears he's working on it. He can't even handle sleeping under the covers with me. Says he has to sleep with the blanket he had overseas. When I ask f we can discuss what makes him angry he says it will piss him off so no. So.... How long so I wait?

 

[Determinedone]

I am thankful that you have me a glimpse inside your world. It helps me to understand how his mind is working at the moment.