A Little Too Drunk

[LittleGirlLost]

I'm having an issue lately with alcohol.

It started on my birthday in early February; people came over and there was Prosecco and amaretto and wine and we had a really great time and I was very drunk but I was so, so happy and surrounded by people that I love and who love me.

Normally when I drink, I'm very good about not having more than will make me pleasantly tipsy or, say, low-level drunk. But on my birthday I was what I would classify as medium-level drunk: I remember everything that happened, but I'm a little vague on the details. I'm a little unsteady, but functioning and articulate and totally capable. The next day I'm hungover. So it's not a crisis.

I've been careful not to drink when I'm alone at all lately, so I'm not worried that I'm verging on alcoholism or really that I'm self-medicating too too much.

But ever since that birthday party, for some reason when I'm in a social drinking situation -- even if the other people with me aren't drinking that much -- I go way past my pleasantly tipsy or low-level drunk and straight into medium-level or even maybe into very drunk. I still remember everything and I'm articulate and capable and it's not a problem by any means, but it's enough of a difference that my good friends have noticed it. We joke about it and we talk about it seriously once in a blue moon. Luckily I'm generally a happy, hilarious, and charming drunk, so said good friends don't really mind.

I think we're all aware of it and imagining that it's a phase I'm going through, maybe to deal in part with whatever mild social anxiety or sadness I might be feeling (although obviously sometimes it magnifies the sadness). I've been considering talking to my therapist about it, but I also feel that it'll either pass or I'll hit a point where I stop myself and take a break from it for a while. I'm not worried that I'm going to become an alcoholic because I grew up with addiction in my house and I'm hypervigilant about the warning signs.

This isn't even the worst I've ever been with social drinking; when I first moved to New York I was around a lot of less mature people in acting school who were big on partying and self-medicating with alcohol and when in Rome...

But the thing I realized today while yet again getting a little drunker than everyone else (because in New York City, Easter means drunk brunch) was that I might be going through this phase because I suddenly feel safe and taken care of.

When I was with the less mature folks in acting school, I had to be really careful even at my drunkest to be more capable than my roommates or the other people there because I knew they weren't going to stop; they were going to go until they threw up or until they made bad decisions or whatever it was and I had to be the responsible one who took care of everyone. It used to really upset me that people were always offering my roommates places to stay if they were drinking and wanting to take care of them and I'd always end up either herding them back to our apartment or taking the two hour late-night train ride home by myself and being grumpy that nobody wanted to take care of me.

But the social group that I've been drinking with since my birthday are a group of people who really understand me on a soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart level. We all take care of each other and we all support each other and we've all been through quite a lot of hardship, so we can really be there when one of us is anxious or depressed or lonely or whatever it is. And because we all take care of each other -- because we're all fixers and caretakers instead of just me trying desperately to save everyone else and nobody ever trying to save me -- I suddenly don't have to take responsibility for the group. And if I get too drunk, I know I'm safe and taken care of.

So today I was thinking that maybe that's why I'm going through this phase of being a little bit drunker than everyone else or a little too drunk. I mean, I'm sure there is some level of self-medication going on. But maybe it's okay for right now.

I don't know. I guess I'll bring it up with my therapist this week.

Maybe I just want to be happy for a while and being drunk with my good friends allows me to really feel that. But I'd be happy without drinking if I were with those good friends, so it's not really necessary.

Anyway. Thoughts?

 

[madmax]

I know your situation all to well. If I did not know better I also would think this was my sister in Myrtle Beach S.C. was writing here.;). The old saying " been there done that" holds true.

If it feels so right but you have that nagging question in the deepest recesses of your soul and or mind; think again and GET HELP regardless of you" feeling like it's all good.

I could entertain everybody with my sisters exploits and all the failed self help attempts she convinced herself were doable. It’s an illusion LittleGirlLost....no joke.

O yeah I traveled in some rather exclusive "company" myself. My friends were my best friends until I lost my wealth and found out they were just frien-enemies.(DRINKS,COKE AND MORE DRINKS TOPPED OFF WITH A LITTLE MORE COKE).Not you right!?

Throw in PTSD issues and you got one hell of a shit storm brewing.: :poop:

 

[Heaven666]

Stop that. Now. Seriously. I had the same problem years ago and I was not aware that it was a problem. I was living in a perpetual half-dazed state, but I was too accustomed to that to notice. Try to live for three weeks without alcohol, quitting cold turkey, no half measures, not even a sip. You will notice the difference and you will notice how strong the alcohol addiction really is. If you can do three weeks sober without struggling, that's ok. If you find yourself struggling, then you are on the road to become an alcoholic.

I'm not worried that I'm going to become an alcoholic because I grew up with addiction in my house and I'm hypervigilant about the warning signs.

Famous last words, uttered by every single alcoholic before going into full alcoholism.

 

[The Albatross]

Little Girl Lost, you're making some good observations. I had to ask myself if I really wanted to be "that" friend. The one who over did it and people had to take care of. I didn't. I got my butt into recovery (for a whole host of other reasons as well) and I do have the propensity, but not the behavior. I decided I am glad I know this about myself and can adjust my lifestyle choices, and actions accordingly.

 

[LittleGirlLost]

Like I said, I don't drink at all by myself and my social activities -- not with people who overdrink or do drugs (in fact, one of them never drinks even when everyone else is) -- that involve alcohol occur maybe once every two weeks. I have absolutely no issue whatsoever not drinking.

Both my brothers were heroin addicts and I'm obsessively careful when it comes to anything that could potentially be addictive. Which is why I'm asking myself these questions. But, again, I'm not really worried about becoming an alcoholic. I'm just a little worried about why it is I've been getting a little too drunk lately.

These friends aren't false friends; they're the truest friends I have ever had. They're not getting too drunk when we drink and we don't drink every time we hang out and I have no problems with that; but I'm in my twenties and I live in New York City and it's very common for wine or mimosas or something to be involved in group situations. And lately I've just been drinking a little too much. They don't have to take care of me; I'm never to a point where I'm incapable of getting myself home safely.

I appreciate the concern, though. Thank you. I'll be talking to my therapist about it this week. I imagine if I just abstain in social situations in which people are drinking for a week or two, it'll fix the situation. Or I'll ask someone there to not let me have more than one drink.

 

[madmax]

The queen of denial.

 

[LittleGirlLost]

If I were in denial, why would I have credited this thread in the first place?

 

[LittleGirlLost]

I decided I am glad I know this about myself and can adjust my lifestyle choices, and actions accordingly.

I think specifically because I'm really dealing with the causes of my PTSD these days, I both have more of a propensity for self-medicating with alcohol (again, I never drink alone, this is only once every two weeks-ish in group settings) and I think I need to be more careful for a while.

Did you cut alcohol out of your life completely? I'm thinking that might be my best option for the next month or two, or at least until I feel a little less vulnerable. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, so I'll bring it up then and follow whatever advice she has.

 

[The Albatross]

I actually didn't have the epiphanies you did. I went full blown compulsive and went ultimately to AA where I got 3 1/2 years sober. Then spent two years out... reattempted moderation when I went compulsive for the last two months of that time, and went back in to recovery but this time SMART Recovery where I got another 2 years and went out again. Two weeks compulsive (which for me means drinking at inappropriate times or alone). And got another two years abstinent. Basically, I have learned about my propensity and that unless I stay involved in a relapse prevention/recovery environment, I get into trouble. Some of that is mental/emotional. But I'm an odd duck because I actually was diagnosed (near the end of all that period) with many food allergies, as well as an allergy to alcohol, fermented stuff (which booze is), and sugars.

Ironically AA was right about me. I really was/am allergic to alcohol. I can have solid periods of abstinence now, and like Anthony can have one or two here and there... but I am mindful of not building up a craving or postponing allergic withdrawal by indulging myself very often.

I am also aware that I used alcohol as a "social disinhibiter", it was a maladaptive coping mechanism for me in social situations and also to numb out and avoid uncomfortable feelings.

Booze is a depressant and can increase PTSD symptoms or depression. A trial run at abstinence (I would recommend though 90 days) could give you some more insight to your own situation.

The additional irony, was that underneath the booze was not only physical allergies and some chronic health situations... but also ADD/ADHD and PTSD. I was not diagnosed with either until I had long periods of sobriety. I manage far better now, and keep one foot in recovery and relapse prevention. I have lapses on occasion but have not been full blown compulsive in about 2-3 years now. Progress, and like I said, I'm glad I know what my propensity is. My PTSD and ADD/ADHD have improved consistently. I even tested normal range for ADD/ADHD a while ago.

 

[madmax]

I am also aware that I used alcohol as a "social disinhibiter", it was a maladaptive coping mechanism for me in social situations and also to numb out and avoid uncomfortable feelings.

LittleGirlLost does this ring any bells?

Madmax

 

[The Albatross]

I guess Little Girl Lost, I recognize more and more quickly when my butt is on fire and have the common sense to reach for a fire extinguisher much more quickly each time. But really, I have accepted that booze and me are not a good combination. I started looking for and using healthier and more life affirming strategies and it has been working. I have largely let go of the maladaptive coping except for tobacco.

 

[madmax]

I am sorry for attacking your position LittleGirlLost.

Hopefully this becomes an non-issue for you in the future.

Marc