I was just wondering if anybody else had experienced a phase like the one I'm going through.
Yes. Every single addict once was 'only' where you are now. Including me. So, I do understand. I was given an assignment to go out and try to moderate my drinking. I was able to for awhile, but I was miserable. Then, I couldn't.
I hope you do speak with your Therapist. Your children need you. You deserve better than to become a full-blown alcoholic. Being one, I can honestly say, don't go there if you can avoid it. Being one, I want to say that my shares are not a 'morality' judgment, though it might feel that way from your end. But they are from decades of experience in treating, sponsoring, living with, and being an alcoholic. So I've heard everything you've said to 'explain' your behaviors. But the 'behaviors' you're offering explanations for are simply positive signs of alcohol abuse.
When people ask me why I won't even have 1 drink, I tell them this.
Would I be asked this question if my addiction was chocolate cake? If every so often, I spent too much money on chocolate cake? If every few times I ate chocolate cake, I came home on a carb high then was grumpy with my loved ones the next day? If I sneaked chocolate cake? If I tried to eat just a bite but every once in awhile, found myself cramming the whole cake in my mouth throughout the night, then did things I didn't feel proud of, or hurt people's feelings, or had to have other's take care of me?
Would everyone be telling me 'just take it slow...' and 'just have a little bit...'?
No. Because all healthy people would ask 'why don't you just stay away from it entirely?' Only co-dependents, people with their own alcohol issues, or uneducated people would keep trying to convince me to try to moderate my cake consumption. Because it's ridiculous to even take that risk. Chocolate cake simply isn't worth the risk to me.
Neither is alcohol.
That you say you're 'obviously not' an alcoholic isn't obvious to me, because you've already met many of the criteria for a diagnosis of alcoholism.
Here's a test from the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence at [DLMURL]http://www.ncadd.org/index.php/learn-about-alcohol/alcohol-abuse-self-test[/DLMURL]
These questions are all yes/no questions. Keep in mind that non-alcoholics generally answer 'No' to all or most of these, and if they do answer 'yes,' they would say 'only once or twice.'
1. Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?
2. Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?
3. Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out?
4. When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?
5. Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?
6. Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be?
7. Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?
8. Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking?
9. Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently?
10. Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?
11. Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily?
12. When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?
13. Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?
14. Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or
cutting down on your drinking?
15. Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?
16. Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?
17. Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?
19. Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking?
20. Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?
21. Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?
22. Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?
23. After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there?
24. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
25. Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking?
26. Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?
I truly hope you are able to stop yourself from going further into problem drinking and learn coping skills which aren't harmful. You have a lot of living ahead of you.
