A Question of Guilt

[Marlene]

When my PTSD was first so out of control in my life and I lived with so much pain (physical and mental) as a constant companion, I used to think I would give anything to feel good again. In the past three years of recovery I've had my back and forth times. Times when I felt ok to pretty damned normal and then back to being very ill again. I've learned that this is just part of life on this lovely rollercoaster of PTSD.

My problem is that when I'm feeling good, not symptomatic...normal...I also feel guilty. I tell myself to enjoy it because I know it comes and goes and won't last and I'll end up with my symptoms again. But I feel like how can I have something wrong with me, how can I be ill with the lifelong disorder and not feel like crap every day? It sounds even worse seeing it written out then it sounds in my head. But there it is.

When I feel bad I want to feel good more than anything else in the world. When I feel good I feel guilty because I'm supposed to (I guess) feel bad all the time with PTSD. Is it because suddenly and abruptly this IS how I felt all the time for quite a long time? Sometimes I feel like what right do I have to say that I have this horrid thing if I don't have to deal with it 24/7. How twisted is that that I feel guilty for feeling like a human being? For fighting to get my life back and then dealing with guilt when I get what I fought for.

Anyone else?

Lisa

 

[2quilt]

You deserve to feel good, Lisa. You have more than earned the right to feel sane and happy!

 

[Manic11]

Lisa,

I understand where you're coming from. I really do. I feel the same way all the time... But hey...its a symptom of PTSD. Fancy that, huh?
It's hard and I see how you're looking at it. But look at it this way too. PTSD is something that, along with many other mental disorders, doesn't get seen in the light it should be.
When I was in school, I was unable to be in class because of my PTSD. No one got this, even with a doctors diagnosis and letter explaining that I cannot be in class due to my PTSD. They thought I was lying, making it up to get out of school, having some anxiety and taking it too far for attention, etc. No one at all believed me. But if someone in a wheelchair with two broken legs came in and said its too hard to go to class, they would fully understand and allow them to work from home in a heartbeat. (I used this to fight the school board....:thumbs-up)
When someone has a physical issue, you can see it. Therefore, its looked at more severely. When its mental/emotional, no one can see it so why bother acknowledging it? It's ten times easier to shrug off that someone is feeling bad than to shrug off someone who is physical disabled (temporarily or permenatly).
I guess what I'm trying to say is...just because you can see the PTSD and you can't always see the symptoms, especially when you're in a good mood, doesn't mean its not there. And if you're feeling good, then that's awesome! Take it! It unfortunatly doesn't happen enough. Just try to embrace the feeling of feeling..."okay" or "normal" or "carefree" or whatever it may be.
You deserve it!

Sorry that its a bit of a ramble...

Manic

 

[Grama-Herc]

Marlene,

This may sound harsh, but would you deny someone the right to feel happy and elated to be in remission from cancer or leukemia? Should they feel guilty too?

IMHO---No difference!

You have every right to feel good about feeling good.

 

[ANCHOR]

Try this: THAT GUILT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU...

Just a thought that helps me dump the guilt after decades of bad choices and feeling judgement from an uneducated majority:

That guilt does not belong to you. People, whom have not understood what you are going through during your years of journey gave you this guilt, in an ignorant, insensitive, and selfish attempt at ignoring your needs. They didn't get it, so they dumped it on you by making you feel unimportant, disposable, right? It started on the very first time someone made you feel unsafe about disclosing your needs and it just continued to pile up over the years as people continued not to understand. As you became afraid to share more info. to others, and rightly so, the fear became the glue to keeping the guilt.

You like yourself, and you should be proud of yourself for standing up to the schoolboard and continuing to cope with your PTSD.

Nope, the guilt does not belong to you. You did not make yourself feel this way. I say - Give it back to them! Dump it on their heads! Stay faster and smarter and wiser and thank God you are not the assholes that those people who gave you guilt, are. You know more about PTSD than they do, so that really makes you the better and stronger person. Put your nose in the air, even! Your the scholar! And let'em shove that guilt back up their own asses!

Really, your other symptoms are enough for you to deal with. No need to keep the guilt. Hope this helps you find the courage and clarity to let it go...truly...:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:

 

[cragger65]

This is from one of my CBT sheets. Obviously, this is a common enough phenomenon to warrant making it into a book. Hope it at least helps to know it's not "abnormal".

Rejecting the positive. You reject positive experiences and hold firmly that they "don't count" for one reason or another. You don't allow yourself to enjoy positive feelings as you tell yourself that a bad or negative feeling is sure to follow. You end up feeling bad about feeling good.

 

[Cate]

I was going to say something really positive and uplifting until I read what Anchor and Cragger had to say....they said it all!

Just hold your head high and hold on to your confidence. You can do this!

Cate :smile:

 

[kers]

But I feel like how can I have something wrong with me, how can I be ill with the lifelong disorder and not feel like crap every day?

Is it guilt, or is it a feeling that if you're not constantly sick then you must not actually be sick? I know when I have good periods, it causes me to think that I must be making everything up, because hey, I'm fine right now! And then I get slammed by something and remember.

It makes me think of diseases like asthma, things that can flare up and then remit. It's easy to fall into that trap of "if I'm not sick right now, I must not be sick at all."

 

[midi]

Maybe too, when we feel stable, that old fear of the tornado comes into play? We fear something is wrong when all is calm?

 

[Marlene]

It's easy to fall into that trap of "if I'm not sick right now, I must not be sick at all."

Yes. And like you said, when I feel good it's almost like I've made too much of what's happened and it actually wasn't really that bad...etc through infiinity. Looping that back on myself and using it as another hammer to beat myself up with.

Rejecting the positive. You reject positive experiences and hold firmly that they "don't count" for one reason or another. You don't allow yourself to enjoy positive feelings as you tell yourself that a bad or negative feeling is sure to follow. You end up feeling bad about feeling good.

I'd never heard of this before...but it makes sense.

You deserve to feel good

I know that I do and I do believe it. At least now I do. Not so sure about before. The only thing I can think of is that in my mind, if I'm sick with something I have to be sick ALL the time or it's just something that I made up.

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

I know that I do and I do believe it. At least now I do.

Hello Marlene!

One thought I get about this is that when difficulties I struggle with are overcome, the field is open for my longings and expectations. If they don't come true, it's easy to blame myself.

When winning a battle like this one I'm in a completely new place so I need to explore it as somewhere I have never been before!

/Freddy

 

[ANCHOR]

When winning a battle like this one I'm in a completely new place so I need to explore it as somewhere I have never been before!

I like this Freddy. It is a new feeling when things start to get better and it does seem like a foreign, almost unwarranted experience at times. But we all deserve to feel better...so...

BE ADVENTEROUS! :thumbs-up EXPLORE THE MOMENT OF SUCCESS & CLARITY!

PTSD has a lot to show us, sometimes, about how strong we really are!:occasion: