A Threat To Have "help" Forced On Me.

[Justmehere]

Just over a week ago, I sent out an email to a handful of friends to tell them that I was looking for a new apartment and if anyone knew of anything, please let me know. Last Sunday night a friend was texting me at 1am about ideas she had for housing. I asked if she was ok since she was up so late. She said she was ok, and I told her I was headed to bed after a late night working. I thanked her for the housing ideas. She asked if she could call me. I said no, I'm headed to bed. She texted again to ask if she could call since it was easier than texting and she had ideas for housing to keep the place I'm in now. I texted her back to say no yet again.

I went to go take my medications at this point, shower, etc. When I got back to my phone, my friend texted again about wanting to call me to talk about housing so "you can sleep better."

My meds were kicking in and I should have turned off my phone and simply ignored her text. Instead I texted her 3 texts. "No, I have to gets up at 5am in 4 hours. I need to sleep." And "I'm too tired to talk and I feel like a terrible person who deserve punnishments anyhow." (There were several autocorrect mistakes and I was too tired to notice that in the second text.)

And then I sent a third text "good night and talk to you tomorrow."

As soon as I sent the 3rd text, I received a text from her. (she types slow on text so I think she typed it before getting the second text.)

That text from her said, "you need to call me now or I call the cops."

I immediately was AWAKE. Threats, demands for contact, and anything with the police are massive triggers

She texted again, "you know you need to call me."

Initially, I didn't call or text. I grabbed my clothes and left my apartment so I would not be there when the police arrived.

I left my home and walked down the street 6 blocks. She kept texting, "call me now. I'm ready to dial for the cops." No explanation as to why. Just the demand to talk at 1am.

I did finally call her. I asked her what was going on. She explained she was going to call police for a welfare check due to your "irrational text." The one where with the word punishments. She then said her mother commited suicide and it was on her mind that I was unsafe to myself as well due to "your stress and irrational text."

I have only been friends with her a few months and she only remotely knows I have PTSD. She said she is in trauma therapy herself and if I ever want to talk she is open - but I have never ever talked to her about it or any history of suicidal thoughts or self injury. I have not known her long so I never wanted to share any details with her what PTSD means for me.

She did not say anything concerned her than the one text and "I know you are stressed about housing."

I questioned her, "so you were going to call the police on me waking the whole building in the middle of the night if I didn't call you?!"

From that point, I did not handle the conversation with her well. I lost it. I SCREAMED at her. I told her I was no where near my home. I'm on a dark street in the middle of the night trying to walk off how much she scared me. She started to beg, "please way me come pick you up and take you home." She went on about how my text was irrational. My one text. And that she felt it was grounds to "call the cops."

I screamed no. "I told you no. It is 1am and I need to sleep. Not talk to you, not text you, not drive with you, no, no, no! What does it take for no to mean anything to you?! You are way out of line." I screamed at her to leave me alone and to not text or call me ever again. I don't feel safe to be at home now and you do not listen to no!!!" I hung up.

She texted. She called. (No really meant nothing.) She kept texting and calling and saying "I'm sorry" and saying she wants to help me. "Please let me come drive you to a hotel, I will pay for it."

I called her back and told her stop! An hour later I calmed down an apologized for screaming. I told her i was sorry she lost her mother. I told her she was out of line, I have PTSD but I have a safety plan and even if I didn't, I sleep at night.

She apparently usually is up until 3am and sleeps until 10am, but I don't. She apparently is ok with middle of the night calls, I am not. Not with her, not about housing.

I told her I would speak with her in a few days about if we would be friends or not,but don't contact me again until then. She didn't. She did contact mutual friends. She told them how she was trying to help me and how deeply concerned for my safety my text made her feel. It's my understanding that mural friends took it all as her overreacting out of her own stuff.

I texted her two days later. I apologized again for screaming. I told her it was wrong on my part. I told her that it wasn't ok with having any phone conversations at this time. She texted sayings he was sorry and now that she knows I have a safety plan, she trusts me and we should talk and go out for lunch. I texted, no, I don't trust you. I fear you calling the police out of your own anxiety at the drop of a hat because you don't like my own limits or boundaries. She asked to meet for lunch so, "you can explain your triggers and boundaries to me."

I texted back to tell her no, you don't need to know explainations for boundaries or explainations of triggers to respect that no means no, I'm not going to meet with you, I don't feel safe or comfortable around you right now. "You may trust me, but I don't trust you."

I asked her if she had thought about what happened. I asked what she expected the police to do. She texted back, "I think they needed to take you to the ER."

I texted her, "for bad self esteem? And what do you expect the ER to do about that? The EMERGENCY Room."

She texted that they could give me medications and keep me safe. All of it felt like it was about HER and her anxiety.

I texted, "and you feel it would be appropriate, no you WANTED me to be dragged against my will from my home in the middle of the night by law enforcement to the ER because of one illogical text and my refusal to have a phone call with you?!"

"Yes. The ER would have helped you. They have helped me."

I flipped out.

I told her "don't call me. Don't text me, leave me alone. You have done way more damage than you know. I don't need your help or rescuing me."

She texted to say she was no longer going to be around my friends for my sake and she would pay for any harm I have suffered.

I screwed up at this point, and I called her. Yes, I did that. I called her. No one needs to tell me how stupid I was in all of this. I called her and I left a voicemail to tell her, "cut out the martyr act. Stop trying to save me and rescue me because you are doing it to the point of busting any boundary and hurting me again and again. No one needs or wants your damn martyr act. No needs to mean no and you need to knock it off." (I feel really bad that I did this and said it.)

It's been a week now. I have avoided mutual friends. I don't want to deal with any of this. It makes me furious. I don't know why it makes me so so so mad. I have handled all of this by her very poorly. Very very badly.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting not by yelling but my being mad at all. I'm trying to understand her viewpoint... I just... The idea of forced help makes me physically sick. I don't understand why is so strong for me. I don't want to talk to mutual friends, I don't know what to say and I'm sick of the drama around this. I have commitments to mutual friends to work on a project together, so I can't just keep totally avoiding them much longer.

Any feedback welcome.

 

[greenleaf]

Wow, that incident would have really upset me too! I personally value my sleep really highly, having had periods where I couldn't get to sleep in the thankfully distant past, and can feel pretty anxious about things that might mess with good sleep. The threat to call authorities is pretty scary and could have gotten very messy and who knows what; it would take control away from you for no good reason at all and while we all hope that such folks are trained really well, they do vary some.

Whatever issues she has, it doesn't seem like she would be a helpful person for you to be around for a while at least, to put it mildly. She can find other supports and so can you! You could just tell these mutual friends that you don't like drama and you like your sleep?!! Hmmm... No I'd be really upset too...

 

[FindingMyself88]

I think you have every right to be upset! You calmly told her no multiple times and she was badgering you about calling before the whole "punishment" text. This was a lack of communication on her part too because she should have asked what you meant about punishment instead of just assuming.

I agree with @greenleaf, it doesn't sound like a friendship between the two of you would be healthy right now. It sounds like she was triggered by the irrational thought of you being in danger (which you weren't) and could not see anything rationally.

We all make mistakes, and I think it is extremely hard for us with PTSD to communicate what we need in the "proper" (is there such a thing?) manner. It sounds like she was backing you into a corner with the threat to call cops and you had two options… surrender or fight your way out. I think you did the best you could in a very dramatic and aggravating situation.

As far as the mutual friends, I would just say that you found the friendship unhealthy and that you didn't wish to talk about it. You want your friendship with **mutual friend(s)** to be just between you and friend, nothing to do with this other triggering person.

 

[Powder]

When you are that tired, it would be a good practice to not take texts after or during a work shift. You can let people know later that you need rest and don't text late at night. You don't have to turn off your cell, just silence it and put it in the same place to charge, where you know you can get it quickly if you need it. Then it exists FOR you instead of you for IT. :)

This kind of routine, plus stability in housing and other areas will prevent these kinds up scenarios because your life will be running itself more or less. I have been right where you are. You're under stress of "daily living." It erodes stability you need for deeper healing.

I'm sorry this happened. It's hard to tell why your texts triggered her so much, but losing her mom to suicide and having mental health issues herself may be the only explanation needed. She may feel that "if she just did more" that would not have happened. She is meddling a bit, but it sounds like she was trying to help, only a little overstepping your boundaries. I agree, and yes, she was trying to "Force" help you didn't need. She's hyper-vigilant or meddlesome (wants to create drama and be the center of attention). You know her and can see through this. If it's the later, I would not continue the relationship. If it was the former, I would use this as a teachable moment and let her know she over-reacts sometimes because she is trying too hard to be helpful.

Muse

 

[Justmehere]

I got really triggered just writing out what happened and went for a walk to calm down. Thanks for reading through it and giving feedback.

@greenleaf - one of the things that haunts me is that I could have just let her call the police, showed the police I was fine, but there are officers who are not so trained and t would have further scared me either way.

@FindingMyself88 - it did feel like she instantly took all my choices away to not have a middle of the night conversation and just sleep. It was her or the police :( You make a good point that she didn't communicate well either. I like your advice on how to talk to mutual friends.


I really think she was trying to help. But help needs to come with a respect for boundaries and choice or it is re-traumatizing. The whole thing makes me so sad and mad.

 

[Justmehere]

@Muse - cross posted with you.

Yeah, it's rare for me to have my phone on so late or to be texting at all so late. Lesson learned that it is a good boundary to keep even if I am wondering why a friend is up so late!

I think you are right about my stress. If I didn't have so many stressors on my plate right now, I don't think she would have felt so driven to rescue me and I wouldn't have been so triggered by her. I do think she was genuinely worried for me and my housing situation. She was so adamant she could help me stay in my current place and I had kept telling her I didn't want to try and that was my choice and she expressed how worried that made her for me.

I have to work hard to manage how much my own life worries me, I don't have much to help others manage their worries about my life too - even very reasonable worries. I wish I did. She was a very kind friend.

 

[Powder]

Well said. Nothing wrong with your boundaries. She crossed a line and was being very demanding, not hearing your "no." She may be a narcissist (they don't like the word "no" or have other selfishness issues that border on N.) She may disguise her "control" as "help."

I'd take this as a sign you don't need her kind of help. I am not sure if I would try to show her she was too much and over-reacting unless you think it will give you your power and control back.

I don't know. I may be reading into it based on having narcissists in my past.

 

[nursenurse]

With a friend like that, you don't need enemies. She is a loose cannon with a misguided sense of what appropriate behaviour is. Block her, you don't owe mutual friends anything by way of explanation, and any response such as "I don't see this being any of your business, it is between me and Jane. Now what do you think about the jump in the price of linseed oil? " is appropriate. As is changing the subject right away, no awkward gaps that would tempt you into explaining anything. If they press, walk away.

From what you have written, you have every right to be as upset as you were Although her intention may have been good, it shows you exactly the kind of friendship you could expect from her. It was bold, manipulative, threatening, and very uncalled for. I would have yelled back too.

Don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong under the circumstances.

 

[Powder]

I guess nursenurse sees it like I do; I don't allow pushy/helpful types to try to control me anymore. I have good supporters; I don't need bad ones. :)

 

[Pencil]

She's a nutcase.[DOUBLEPOST=1404064269,1404064018][/DOUBLEPOST]BUT, you shouldn't have played into the whole thing. If she phoned the cops and they arrived at your house you could have calmly redirected them back to her house and asked them to pick her up and take her to ER due to her irrational crazy behavior. But I'm sure you can see that now.

 

[Justmehere]

@Muse - thanks! I don't think I could do or say anything productive to her right now even if I tried... I think it's a case of letting go.

@nursenurse - thanks for the feedback. I like the idea of keeping mural friends out of it! Changing the subject is something I'm pretty good at. I just have to resist the urge to explain or fix it all! Which is a bit ironic. Thank you again.

@Pencil - I did play into it all! Tremendously. You make a very good point. Then and even now, I felt/feel so drawn and pulled into it all... It's quite intense and bizarre. If I would have responded to it all non-chalantly, it would have blown over and they would have questioned her state of mind. Not mine. Thanks for the validation.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The best response to a steamroller is no response.

I think you got hooked into her drama, and you did the best you could. trying to set limits and boundries was so appropriate.

It was so late and you were exhausted and took your meds and was ready to go to bed.

I have been there. I totally understand how crazymaking this woman is.

She is very toxic. I would just refuse to respond to her in any way at all. Resist the urge to try to reason with her. Run far away from her and do not look back.

You are human and you were caught off guard and put on the spot and when this happens to me I have the urge to push back which is dumb because it only feeds her fire.

I wish you the best in sorting out this crazymaking experience. Hugs. You did the best you could and you are innocent in this drama.