munkinmama
Silver Member
Today is a super hard day for me. I have had 2 panic attacks just need to get through the rest of the day. i will share why it is so hard for me. It starts on Sept 18,2003 I had been in the hospital to get things sorted as I was leaving my abusive ex and had told my Dr what was going on. My ex refused to take me into the Dr to get medication for a severe strep throat infection I have a high pain tolerance and I was in tears it was so bad. I was in the hospital for 5 days and was discharged Sept 18. I called my ex who promptly told me he was not going to come get me. I was in shock so I went to police station to get a police standby so I could get my stuff from the house and the car i bought from my mom. Sadly i could not take my car as he had taken the license plate off and put it on another car so he could use it. The police were nice enough to drive me to the mall so ii could see our welfare worker about getting a greyhound ticket that our worker agreed to give me. As we pulled up my kids, the kids and his douchbag dad were coming out of the mall where the office was located. I was in the bag of the police car which was slightly embarrassing. He showed the officers that he had gone to court while I was in the hospital in an attempt to get custody of the kids. Flash forward to Oct 25 we go to court and at this time I had filed for divorce and my lawyer told me because his application was in a lower court usually the judge will not make a judgement. Well this was not the case. My ex and his dad painted a very horrible picture of me saying things like I was abusive to our animals, I had an affairs. I stood there tears streaming down my face in silence only answering questions the judge asked me. What shocked me more then anything the judge awarded my ex full custody and said I had to have supervised visits. I was devastated as I was their primary caregiver while he left us alone in the middle of no where ( so called farm),. he had living in worst the third world country conditions. Example when we were raising pigs he had me sift though rotting fruit and veggies which was meant for the pigs to eat but what i selected for us to eat because he spent all the money. On Oct 26 I was feeling worthless and tried reaching out I called my mom, other family and friends to no avail no one was home, even my roommates were not home. I looked over at the counter and saw my meds so i took all of them. It was a months worth i had taken. After 30 min I realized it was not a good idea so I called 911. I was rushed to the hospital. They called my mom and one of my brothers. I soon slipped into a coma caused by the meds. The Drs told my mom and brother if I had waited 10 more mins I would not be here. I was in the ICU for 6 days. I came out of my coma on Halloween. It was a very confusing experience I had a breathing tube down my throat so I could not talk, I was hooked up to everything you could think of well in my mind I had so many monitors. I could barely see as I am very near sighted. So I was trying to sort out where I was. I find this time of year extremely hard. Many tell me I should celebrate BUT i can not I get quite anxious. No one really understands well those who know my story so far don't. I feel guilt, shame, etc for almost letting my ex win and making my precious kids motherless. Why should I or how could I celebrate to me that is so wrong.
