Anxious About Separation

[smmkaymmmkay]

Well - I am not sure where to start. I guess I wanted to get my thoughts out in hopes someone out there might have something to relate to. I feel very invalidated right now I guess.

I moved to a new state for my job Jan 2023. I met a guy March 2023. We have been dating ever since. We met online. Its been rocky. I lost that job that I moved here for, found a new one. All is well there. Meanwhile the guy and I continued to have so many ups and downs. I moved in despite knowing I shouldnt have. I didnt have anywhere to go though. I moved in in August. The day I moved in a switch was flipped. He changed completely into a new person. One Ive never experienced with him. Like he had me right where he wanted me. Someone to cook, clean and do whatever. Like I am/was interchangeable. Never felt special to him. He never ever told me anything nice. He was very controlling and always criticizing me. 100% always. I ignored it and tried to fix things. Never did. This last week he has been acting less controlling, and even laughed alot on his phone. Something I havent seen from him in a while. I knew something was up. I looked online and sure enough.. the way I found him is the way I lost him. He had a profile. We matched in 2 seconds. He is looking for a LTR, with a ambitios and loyal woman. While I sleep next to him at night?????!! I lost my shit on him. I am having issues with regulating my emotions. I have been doing better in CPT therapy but I still lose my shit. I went to a hotel. I signed a new lease. I am moving.

But the ruminating.. it is so painful. I am bored and lonely. Im terrified to start over at 35! I guess I just want to know I made the right decision and I will be okay. Has anyone else seen the other side of this? Im just so scared. I really dont want to leave. But I will not stay with someone who had a dating profile behind my back. I wont be able to trust him. It would be torture. I have no friends.. a crappy family. The only one I can really depend on is my therapist I have had for 9 years and my dog...

 

[parrotthepolly]

Leaving him would be the right decision. If they cheat and lie once, it's highly likely it'll happen again.

Some people act nice at first and then show their true colours when the relationship seems to be getting serious. Seems like he thinks you have nowhere to turn to besides moving in with him so he has manipulated you.

 

[anthony]

But the ruminating.. it is so painful. I am bored and lonely. Im terrified to start over at 35! I guess I just want to know I made the right decision and I will be okay. Has anyone else seen the other side of this?

You did the right thing, and I have been divorced twice, first time my doing, the second my doing, but I think more mutual. She left, I called time. I was in my thirties both times. Here I am today, with my lovely wife, 18 years on I think... ups and downs like all relationships, but the underlying essentials match. We have similar beliefs, very different lives, but similar beliefs. I believe it is those beliefs that hold us together, as we're both more aligned to push the other when needed, support when needed, but also give each space as needed.

I mean the important stuff. My wife is a workaholic and I'm retired. The two work things just don't go together, most think, but in actuality, it works very well. She hides in her work, I am around to help her if needed in small parts, but I am left alone to do my thing, yet we come together pretty well. She is far more prudish than me, more proper, yet we get alone really well and I tolerate her needs and she tolerates mine. Very little trying to control either... does happen at times, like every relationship, but overall, we are two individuals who complement each other and can live happily together for the most part.

So yes... it is very achievable. If the guy is a dick, the guy is a dick. You got out. That you should hugely commend yourself on. That is massive. You recognized bullshit, cheating, and got the hell out. Very impressive. You really should give yourself a massive high five for that.

Bored and lonely. Yep, normal when newly single. So go do something you would not normally do, try stuff. Go to a climbing gym, start wall climbing, hire a pushbike and start riding, see what you like, test things out that you may not normally do, then when you find something you can throw yourself into a group, groups, of people with similar interest, then hopefully you find someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.

My wife and I did a lot of talking before we ever slept together. I think it was a good couple of months before we had sex. We wanted to make sure we were compatible first and not loved up due to sex. Neither of us are religious... this was due to both having shit histories in relationships.

We all feel like shit, tell ourselves stupid shit, after things go bad in our lives... but what we tell ourselves is not reality. Its all the negative emotions we're currently experiencing and fighting with.

Very proud of you for getting out. Really, well done. Give yourself 10 out of 10 for your choices.

 

[AmandaShaw]

I appreciate you.

 

[CameronBlayke]

Well - I am not sure where to start. I guess I wanted to get my thoughts out in hopes someone out there might have something to relate to. I feel very invalidated right now I guess.

I moved to a new state for my job Jan 2023. I met a guy March 2023. We have been dating ever since. We met online. Its been rocky. I lost that job that I moved here for, found a new one. All is well there. Meanwhile the guy and I continued to have so many ups and downs. I moved in despite knowing I shouldnt have. I didnt have anywhere to go though. I moved in in August. The day I moved in a switch was flipped. He changed completely into a new person. One Ive never experienced with him. Like he had me right where he wanted me. Someone to cook, clean and do whatever. Like I am/was interchangeable. Never felt special to him. He never ever told me anything nice. He was very controlling and always criticizing me. 100% always. I ignored it and tried to fix things. Never did. This last week he has been acting less controlling, and even laughed alot on his phone. Something I havent seen from him in a while. I knew something was up. I looked online and sure enough.. the way I found him is the way I lost him. He had a profile. We matched in 2 seconds. He is looking for a LTR, with a ambitios and loyal woman. While I sleep next to him at night?????!! I lost my shit on him. I am having issues with regulating my emotions. I have been doing better in CPT therapy but I still lose my shit. I went to a hotel. I signed a new lease. I am moving.

But the ruminating.. it is so painful. I am bored and lonely. Im terrified to start over at 35! I guess I just want to know I made the right decision and I will be okay. Has anyone else seen the other side of this? Im just so scared. I really dont want to leave. But I will not stay with someone who had a dating profile behind my back. I wont be able to trust him. It would be torture. I have no friends.. a crappy family. The only one I can really depend on is my therapist I have had for 9 years and my dog...


I’m really sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you’ve made a brave decision to prioritize your well-being. Trusting your instincts is important, and though starting over is daunting, you’re strong enough to handle it. It's okay to feel lonely and uncertain, but you’ll grow through this experience. You’re not alone—there’s support, and you’ll find peace. A close friend of mine was applying for scholarships and needed a compelling personal statement. She had the qualifications but wasn’t sure how to present them effectively. I helped her find a UKWritings paper writing service, which we can find here: ukwritings.com and they crafted a persuasive and well-structured statement that truly showcased her strengths. She received multiple scholarship offers, and she was incredibly grateful. After seeing her success, I also used their service for my own application essays.

I am sorry you have gone through this painful situation. You did the right thing, sometimes, it is better to leave someone than hold. For example, if you hold a rope for a long time, it will give you pain but when you leave it, it will still give you pain but you will heal one day, and the same with life.

 

[Friday]

But I will not stay with someone who had a dating profile behind my back. I wont be able to trust him.

Good. That’s a step in the right direction.

Next step? Don’t stay with anyone who never makes you feel special, treats you like crap, considers you their housekeeper, is controlling & criticising!

Im terrified to start over at 35!

Better than 45.

My grandparents both got divorced in their 30s (from other people). And met/married a few years later. They were married (to each other) over 50 years. Over 60 in my grandmothers case, as she lived into her late 90s whilst my grandfather died in his early 90s.

They had 4 kids. A successful surgical practice (my grandmother loved her work, and kept working after becoming a mom). Over a dozen grandkids. A huge circle of friends. And we’re wildly in love with each other until the end, sneaking kisses (when they thought no one could see). Dancing in the starlight whilst we grandkids swam in the summer nights and they were “watching” us.

After divorcing in the 1930s, when that just. wasn’t. done. After being ostracized. After being alone. They built good lives, first for themselves, and then together.

^^^ I ALSO got divorced in my 30s, but have been too busy trying to rebuild my life to be interested in dating, except here & there. MOSTLY? The past several years have been a dumpster fire, truth be told. But? Just because right now is hard doesn’t mean it always will be. I’ll prolly be 45 -or older- IF I am lucky. Shrug. My grandparents give me joy, though. They did it. When it was a helluva lot harder to. So I at least have to give it a go. The only constant in life is change. I try to bring in the good change, and weather the bad.

 

[deno]

Well - I am not sure where to start. I guess I wanted to get my thoughts out in hopes someone out there might have something to relate to. I feel very invalidated right now I guess.

I moved to a new state for my job Jan 2023. I met a guy March 2023. We have been dating ever since. We met online. Its been rocky. I lost that job that I moved here for, found a new one. All is well there. Meanwhile the guy and I continued to have so many ups and downs. I moved in despite knowing I shouldnt have. I didnt have anywhere to go though. I moved in in August. The day I moved in a switch was flipped. He changed completely into a new person. One Ive never experienced with him. Like he had me right where he wanted me. Someone to cook, clean and do whatever. Like I am/was interchangeable. Never felt special to him. He never ever told me anything nice. He was very controlling and always criticizing me. 100% always. I ignored it and tried to fix things. Never did. This last week he has been acting less controlling, and even laughed alot on his phone. Something I havent seen from him in a while. I knew something was up. I looked online and sure enough.. the way I found him is the way I lost him. He had a profile. We matched in 2 seconds. He is looking for a LTR, with a ambitios and loyal woman. While I sleep next to him at night?????!! I lost my shit on him. I am having issues with regulating my emotions. I have been doing better in CPT therapy but I still lose my shit. I went to a hotel. I signed a new lease. I am moving.

But the ruminating.. it is so painful. I am bored and lonely. Im terrified to start over at 35! I guess I just want to know I made the right decision and I will be okay. Has anyone else seen the other side of this? Im just so scared. I really dont want to leave. But I will not stay with someone who had a dating profile behind my back. I wont be able to trust him. It would be torture. I have no friends.. a crappy family. The only one I can really depend on is my therapist I have had for 9 years and my dog...

First off, I just want to say—you absolutely made the right decision. And I know that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier right now. Walking away from something, even when you know it’s toxic, still hurts. You’re grieving what you thought you had, what you hoped it could be, and that’s real.

But here’s what stands out to me: you didn’t let fear keep you stuck. You saw the truth, you listened to your gut, and you took action. That takes so much strength, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I won’t lie—starting over at 35 can feel scary. But it can also be freeing. It’s a chance to build a life that feels good to YOU, without walking on eggshells or wondering if the person next to you truly values you. Right now, the loneliness is loud, but that won’t last forever. This is the part where you get to learn who you are outside of survival mode.

I know it’s tempting to jump into distractions or try to fill the void quickly, but what if this time was for YOU? What if instead of fearing the quiet, you used it to explore what makes you happy, what brings you peace? Spend time with your dog, take yourself out, try something new—give yourself space to reconnect with yourself.

And whenever the doubts creep in, just remind yourself: you left because you knew you deserved better. And that means when you’re ready, you’ll find it—because you won’t settle for anything less ever again.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

I was in my early 30s when I left my ex husband. Short marriage (still too long.) It was ugly but I was miserable (so was he.) He was also critical, had put his hands on me, was lazy etc. I met my now husband a bit later and we’ve been married a long time and had kids together (none with my ex, hallelujah.)

Life is too short to be in a toxic relationship.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

35 is young, I am 69 and I am doing the same thing right now. I have a lot of anxiety over this. My wife and I have been living apart for over 6 months now. In 3 weeks I will be moved back into my hippie house in Bisbee Arizona. Right now I am so busy I am not fully feeling it. I think once I am there I will probably crash pretty hard emotionally but I will just have to go through it. No short cuts.

 

[deno]

I was in my early 30s when I left my ex husband. Short marriage (still too long.) It was ugly but I was miserable (so was he.) He was also critical, had put his hands on me, was lazy etc. I met my now husband a bit later and we’ve been married a long time and had kids together (none with my ex, hallelujah.)

Life is too short to be in a toxic relationship.

I can relate to this so much. Leaving a toxic relationship is never easy, even when you know deep down it’s the right thing to do. It takes a lot of strength to walk away, especially when things have gotten ugly. It’s really inspiring to hear that you found happiness and built a life that feels right for you. That reminder—that life is too short to stay in a bad situation—hits home. It took me a while to fully accept that, but once I did, everything changed.

35 is young, I am 69 and I am doing the same thing right now. I have a lot of anxiety over this. My wife and I have been living apart for over 6 months now. In 3 weeks I will be moved back into my hippie house in Bisbee Arizona. Right now I am so busy I am not fully feeling it. I think once I am there I will probably crash pretty hard emotionally but I will just have to go through it. No short cuts.

That’s a huge transition, and I get why you’re feeling anxious. Even when you know you’re making the right move, the emotional weight of it doesn’t always hit until later. No short cuts—just pushing through, step by step. I’ve been through my own version of that, and while the crash can be rough, there’s also a kind of freedom in finally making a decision that’s yours. I hope your new space gives you peace and clarity.