I don't even know where to begin, but the abandoment by everyone around me is THE most excruciating feeling I've ever had in my entire life.
In 09 I reunited with the first boy I ever loved. We met when I was 8 and he was 10. We got really close over the years- even spent the night together when I was 16 to his 18. He walked out my door and down the sidewalk shortly after to forge his way in life.
Thirty years later he came back into my life. My world tilted and it was at this point that I realized that what I'd felt for him so many years ago was that I was and always had been in love with him. It was also obvious that he had been the one to set the bar where others had failed. More than failed, the others abused me so badly for almost twenty years, I now have PTSD. I also have suffered depression for my whole life due to abusive mother and rageful father who put their own interests and emotional needs before me and my siblings.
Ultimately my brother and I are both disabled. Me mentally, and him with severe diabetes that has cost him the use of his legs, his libido, his sight and everything that he is as a man. He can't drive to the store, or walk from one end of the house to the other without passing out or having his legs buckle under him. He will never have another girlfriend, because as he says, what kind of girlfriend is looking for an invalid to take care of. In spite of my own cognitive difficulties, I am trying as best as I can to negotiate the systems that will allow him to be in his own apartment. Since he qualifies for earnings based SSDI, he will have to pay for the constant care that he is going to need.
The man I love, in the meantime, tells me that he can't live in a house where nobody is doing anything for themselves. He gives me the choice of going with him, of course. He has a plan, and wants me with him. If I choose to stand by my brother in his time of need, he is basically abandoning me in the same way that my parents did when I was a child, and as a battered woman. My sister is moving away because she isn't getting her needs met. She has however, been to Hawaii and Europe in less than a year. She has also taken weekends away at friends. She gets her hair cut/color regularly. She goes for pedicures with her friend every now an then, as well as dinner or lunch out with same friend. The ONLY thing she is missing is a mate......and that is because she doesn't actively go out and GET ONE.
My mother sits in her 2500 square foot home with three bedrooms and a bath for FREE and throws a few dollars when my brother needs meds. Dad's retired from working his ass off to support an abusive first wife and a saint of a second one. Other than throw money around, my parents continue to go about their business and don't concern themselves with the fact that their son is slowly dying and the daughter they failed to protect all of her life is left ALONE to deal with the mess of THEIR neglectful and abusive child rearing techniques. My sister, the one who is somehow getting all the sympathy, is dancing off into the sunset to go find her life.
How do I, in all good conscience, think of myself and not my brother like the rest of my family? How do I make a choice between flesh and blood and my MATE?
In 09 I reunited with the first boy I ever loved. We met when I was 8 and he was 10. We got really close over the years- even spent the night together when I was 16 to his 18. He walked out my door and down the sidewalk shortly after to forge his way in life.
Thirty years later he came back into my life. My world tilted and it was at this point that I realized that what I'd felt for him so many years ago was that I was and always had been in love with him. It was also obvious that he had been the one to set the bar where others had failed. More than failed, the others abused me so badly for almost twenty years, I now have PTSD. I also have suffered depression for my whole life due to abusive mother and rageful father who put their own interests and emotional needs before me and my siblings.
Ultimately my brother and I are both disabled. Me mentally, and him with severe diabetes that has cost him the use of his legs, his libido, his sight and everything that he is as a man. He can't drive to the store, or walk from one end of the house to the other without passing out or having his legs buckle under him. He will never have another girlfriend, because as he says, what kind of girlfriend is looking for an invalid to take care of. In spite of my own cognitive difficulties, I am trying as best as I can to negotiate the systems that will allow him to be in his own apartment. Since he qualifies for earnings based SSDI, he will have to pay for the constant care that he is going to need.
The man I love, in the meantime, tells me that he can't live in a house where nobody is doing anything for themselves. He gives me the choice of going with him, of course. He has a plan, and wants me with him. If I choose to stand by my brother in his time of need, he is basically abandoning me in the same way that my parents did when I was a child, and as a battered woman. My sister is moving away because she isn't getting her needs met. She has however, been to Hawaii and Europe in less than a year. She has also taken weekends away at friends. She gets her hair cut/color regularly. She goes for pedicures with her friend every now an then, as well as dinner or lunch out with same friend. The ONLY thing she is missing is a mate......and that is because she doesn't actively go out and GET ONE.
My mother sits in her 2500 square foot home with three bedrooms and a bath for FREE and throws a few dollars when my brother needs meds. Dad's retired from working his ass off to support an abusive first wife and a saint of a second one. Other than throw money around, my parents continue to go about their business and don't concern themselves with the fact that their son is slowly dying and the daughter they failed to protect all of her life is left ALONE to deal with the mess of THEIR neglectful and abusive child rearing techniques. My sister, the one who is somehow getting all the sympathy, is dancing off into the sunset to go find her life.
How do I, in all good conscience, think of myself and not my brother like the rest of my family? How do I make a choice between flesh and blood and my MATE?
