About My Ex-boyfriend - Muru's Story

[Muruluisku]

For the last couple of weeks I've really struggled with nightmares and being scared of everything... I haven't been able to leave the house and had to tell work I've got a bad flu. Therapy hasn't started yet..they said the waiting list is 6-12 weeks so I guess I have to wait a while still.

Maybe I should try and go back to my GP and have another think about starting on some medication...?

I've been thinking about my ex-boyfriend a lot recently, and wondered what it is that attracts baddies to me?

I think part of the reason I'm feeling like this is that I've learned that good times don't last very long, and now that my life has been safe for a while, Im getting suspicious and sort of waiting for something bad to happen. It's stupid really, why can't I just stop worrying and enjoy all the good?
**********************

Once I got my eating under control, sort of, and finished my A-level exams I met my boyfriend. He was charming and treated me like a princess, which felt good. I was 19 at the time and he was a bit older, 23. I felt grown up and special with him.

He was a student at the local Uni and had a summer break when we met. I had finnished the college and had no summer job as I wanted a break before going to Uni to study Occupational Therapy. I was really proud and exited to get onto this highly sought after programme in a big university, but was playing with the idea of a gap year. Soon we were spending all of our time together, he had his own flat and a car.

Mum and dad weren't around much as my older sister was going through a divorce at the time. She lived a couple of hours drive away and had two kids to look after. Mum and dad spent a lot of their time staying with my sister and looking after the kids to give her a chance to get through the divorce process.

Soon his behaviour changed and he got almost possessive of me. He wanted me to spend all my time with him and got jealous if I'd made other plans. He started picking fights in clubs where we went dancing, saying the guys he fought with had been perves and dancing too close to me. I was sort of flattered by this (stupid, I know) and feeling he was looking out for me although I was scared of the fights.

If I got between him and the other guy he wanted to fight he'd either pushed me away or walk me out of the club roughly. He also seemed to like making me scared. He would do things like drive really fast down the narrow country lanes and laughed when I was worried we'd crash and begged him to stop. If there was thunder and he saw I was scared he would just laugh and tease. I said to him I wasn't ready to loose my "virginity" yet and didn't want to sleep with him... He said he respected that, but then made jokes about "popping my cherry" etc to intimidate me.. Would that be classed as a form of abuse?

I wonder if I just look funny when I'm scared? Why all the different baddies liked it when I was frightened? It must be something about me... I wished I could be brave and never get scared :(

<3: Muru

 

[Muruluisku]

I called my GP and she came to visit me... I'm now on antidepressants , the ones that are supposed to stabilise mood and help with anxiety. The lot she gave me lasts a week and then I have to take myself to the pharmacist to get another lot to continue with.

She said to come and see her in a month to review if the meds are helping but that's all she could offer. Oh, and she signed me off work for two weeks cause she said I shouldn't just keep calling in sick, that it's not fair.

I'm not sure what to do now...I'm kinda happy I don't have to get out the house, but I also know the longer I shut myself here the harder it is to get out when I need to. There's just too many triggers in the outside world and the flashbacks are so bad now I can't face the chance of being triggered when Im outside... And the weather it so unpredictable at the moment too, and there's a constant chance of thunder which I'm terrified of. I just can't face the idea of leaving my flat for now. Although I guess I have to get more meds next week, so maybe I have to try speaking to my friend so I don't need to go out alone.

My friend from a couple of years ago is actually coming back to live here after a project he did for work that took him to Australia for a couple of years... We were close before he left, he's the only guy I've ever felt comfortable to hang around with and just being me... He doesn't really know what's going on with me even though we've been talking on Skype every week for the past two years. Maybe I could tell him a little, cause he's now looking for work and won't be so busy, maybe he can help me get out the house a little... I just worry that I freak him out and he'd run a mile if he knew how messed up I am.

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

As you know that you have to go out in a week's time to collect your next script, I would work on building up towards that. Am I right in remembering that you're in the UK? If so the met office website has a pretty accurate hour by hour forecast, so you could avoid the thunderstorm risk.

Personally, I'd want to nip this not leaving the house thing in the bud as soon as possible before it becomes a bigger thing. How far is the chemist you need to get your script from? Work up to it by going out a little bit further everyday. Start by just standing outside your front door if you have to. Then walking to the end of the road...

You can do this :)

 

[bluebird]

My dear Muru, I would also encourage you to keep going outside, even if it´s just for a while... A few steps down the road and later a little longer, when the sky seems clear, I believe you can do it :-)

I am glad you are considering telling your friend and that you feel safe with him, it´s really an important experiance :- ) If you think it would help, please, don´t be so afraid - imagine him telling you the same things, would it somehow change your feelings for him, would you ever think he is to be blamed? I believe not.

I think you would be relieved to actually have someone to talk to about how you feel... It´s up to you, of course, I just want you to know that I don´t think your friend would run away from you - none of my friends did ;- ). And being supported by your beloved ones is - just great. You don´t have to be alone.

About your past relationship - I think it was definitely not ok, you deserve respect as well as anyone else. It was his fault, the way he trated you - you didn´t cause it, please, don´t blame yourself - he had probably some sort of unresolved issues, maybe he tried to cover his low self-esteem by kind of trying to "own" you or to tease you in very unpleasant way - maybe... I guess you´ll never know. But it wasn´t your fault. I really get this point, I always struggle with this feeling. But... people are responsible for their own behaviour, and it´s really stupid thing to imagine - that we are somehow responsible for the way other people are treating us. No, we´re not. It is their choice... And you don´t have to stay in a relationship in which you are not respected or even abused - which means - I am glad about the "ex".

How are you feeling, is it somehow better right now?

I honestly think you are very brave. Being brave doesn´t mean you are never afraid, but true courage means you are simply brave enough to face your fear and to conquer it - and you are facing your fear, which means you are brave :-)

Take care <3

 

[Muruluisku]

Thanks for the encouragement Bluebird *hug* and Splinter for the practical tips.

Yes, I'm in the UK and the chemist is only around the corner, maybe a mile away. I went out in our enclosed back garden yesterday for half an hour. That's as much as I could manage :( I'll talk to my friend this weekend, he's back then.

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

I went out in our enclosed back garden yesterday for half an hour. That's as much as I could manage

But you did manage it. :) x

 

[Muruluisku]

So, my friend came to visit me last night. Seeing him for the first time after two years was so good, I could only cry and hug him for a long time.

He said I looked thinner, sadder and worn out with huge darks under my eyes (embarrassing) and he wanted to know if I was ill... I wanted to stop lying and pretending so I told him a little, no details but he got the idea... And he didn't run away! I feel so amazed that he didn't.

He has rented a flat only about half a mile down the road from my flat, and he invited me to his place for a Sunday roast this afternoon so I can help him clean the flat and unpack his stuff and make the flat a bit homelier he says... And when I said I don't think I could walk to his place, he wasn't faced at all and said he'll come and pick me up and we'll walk together.... I really hope I can do that, I don't want to disappoint him by not going or make a scene on the road by having a flashback and leaving my body.

The weather is so unpredictable at the moment...all my weather apps say there's a chance of showers... I just really worry about thunder storms, they trigger me so bad... And make me scared of everyone, including him because I always get a feeling that thunder in the air could make even good people do bad things. But I guess a chance of showers is different to a chance of thunder?

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

when I said I don't think I could walk to his place, he wasn't faced at all and said he'll come and pick me up and we'll walk together.... I really hope I can do that, I don't want to disappoint him by not going or make a scene on the road by having a flashback and leaving my body.

That's great :) Rather than focus on what could go wrong, try and visualise yourself walking there without any problems. Half a mile is a ten minute walk - Think of all the ten minutes you have every day, every week, where things don't go disastrously wrong - law of averages says it's going to be just fine. You can do this and you won't be doing it on your own x

The weather is so unpredictable at the moment...all my weather apps say there's a chance of showers... I just really worry about thunder storms, they trigger me so bad... And make me scared of everyone, including him because I always get a feeling that thunder in the air could make even good people do bad things. But I guess a chance of showers is different to a chance of thunder?

First, yes, chance of showers is very different to chance of thunder. This is England, every day is chance of showers! ;) Seriously though, if it was a chance of thunderstorms the report would say that. Met office and BBC both tend to be pretty accurate these days and get regularly updated throughout the day with any changes.

I just really worry about thunder storms, they trigger me so bad... And make me scared of everyone, including him because I always get a feeling that thunder in the air could make even good people do bad things.

With stuff like this I have to get really strict with myself and force myself to apply logic and reason. It's not instant and it takes a lot of practice but it is worth doing. Not saying it always completely gets rid of the feelings but you have to recognise that it is a feeling and not a fact. The feeling has an understandable root, I'm not dismissing your feelings about it, but try and imagine what you would tell the child that is scared of thunder - would you tell them that it is some supernatural force that can make good people do bad things, or would you tell them it is just weather. Loud, noisy weather, but just weather. The weather didn't make them do anything.

Two things that I repeat in my head often when I am afraid. "Act as if" and "Choose adult" - I'm not anywhere near being good at this stuff yet or for it to come naturally, but I do try to remind myself these things. Act as if you trust (where logically trust is appropriate). Act on facts not feelings (if you are unsure of the facts, look for them). Choose adult - think about and choose the adult response to situations. Look at your response and try to work out whether it is the frightened child responding and if it is try and work out what the adult response to the situation would be and act as if that is your response.


xx

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for the encouragement and practical tips Splinter.

On Sunday I couldn't do it... He came to collect me and we walked as far as the end of my street and I couldn't help checking the clouds which were quite dark and I just froze :(

He had to shake me back into my body and then I told him I needed to go back home so we did... He was really good though, I said to him I'd be okay but he didn't want to leave me alone.

He went back to his flat for a bit, and came back with ingredients for the roast he planned to make and we cooked it in my flat instead.

I told him I had to get some medication from the pharmacist this week... It's practically next door to his flat, so we agreed that on Thursday on his morning jog on the way home he'll come past my flat and we'll walk over to his flat for breakfast. Then as soon as the pharmacist opens, we'll go and get the medication and if I feel up to it I can come back to his flat for a bit, or he can walk me straight home.

I'll try my hardest to be good and do that on Thursday...I just went to my garden for a while today.

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

Hey well done for getting to the end of the road at least - you tried and you got that far. You did good :)

 

[bluebird]

Muru, *hugs* I think you are doing really well - you tried and you got somewhere. I am so glad you have a friend who is supporting you... I am proud of you :-)

 

[moving forward]

I think it's great that your being honest with yourself and your friend.