Absolute Desperation

[hopelesscase]

I am a sufferer of c-ptsd after a violent traumatic event when i was about 3. I have had 50 years of depression and multiple addictions, suicidal ideation, it was only when i quit work (due to addictions amongst other things) and quit the addictions that i had enough mental space to allow the original trauma to reveal itself. However, knowing the cause of my woes does not change my situation much.

I have done extensive reading on the likelihood of recovery but find that in reality there is none to be had because my brain has developed in trauma mode and as a result i have a multiplicity of brain and emotional issues including low serotonin, oxytoxcin, dopamine, ability to make decisions, take actions. empathise. I have reduced grey matter, cognitive function, memory issues. I have a shame mountain bigger than mt everest, no self esteem, no function in society, no structure in my days, poor diet, avoid daylight, sensitive to sound + heat, + sunshine + busyness + people coping with life. I am hypervigilant, cant sleep, am angry, am suicidally ideating, catastrophising, have intrusive thoughts, ocd like symptoms. The list of symptoms goes on and on and fits pretty much the full expected mri brain scan research symptom list.

I have masked all this well enough to society, friends, work colleagues up to now to survive.

My health is set to worse due to effects on my brain, lungs etc. cancer, cardiac issues, diabetes , seem certain to come my way in the near future, which will probably totally wreck my ability to isolate and avoid which will likely make me very angry.

Emdr might help a tiny bit by reducing amygdala activity but the usual set of wellbeing tools has not helped at all.

My life has been hell (or worse) on earth and as far as i see is set to get worse.

I have very few or no general life skills apart from being able to articulate my misery and only then due to serotonin from anti-depressants.

My brain has various addiction pathways hardwired and also spends its day thinking up worst case scenarios. Sleep is reduced to 1-2 hours per night

Any male survivors who have experienced this (violent trauma in the early development years, between 0 and 6 years old) and then been trapped with the person who did this, and then made any progress at all ?

 

[Survivor3]

I am a sufferer of c-ptsd after a violent traumatic event when i was about 3. I have had 50 years of depression and multiple addictions, suicidal ideation, it was only when i quit work (due to addictions amongst other things) and quit the addictions that i had enough mental space to allow the original trauma to reveal itself. However, knowing the cause of my woes does not change my situation much.

I have done extensive reading on the likelihood of recovery but find that in reality there is none to be had because my brain has developed in trauma mode and as a result i have a multiplicity of brain and emotional issues including low serotonin, oxytoxcin, dopamine, ability to make decisions, take actions. empathise. I have reduced grey matter, cognitive function, memory issues. I have a shame mountain bigger than mt everest, no self esteem, no function in society, no structure in my days, poor diet, avoid daylight, sensitive to sound + heat, + sunshine + busyness + people coping with life. I am hypervigilant, cant sleep, am angry, am suicidally ideating, catastrophising, have intrusive thoughts, ocd like symptoms. The list of symptoms goes on and on and fits pretty much the full expected mri brain scan research symptom list.

I have masked all this well enough to society, friends, work colleagues up to now to survive.

My health is set to worse due to effects on my brain, lungs etc. cancer, cardiac issues, diabetes , seem certain to come my way in the near future, which will probably totally wreck my ability to isolate and avoid which will likely make me very angry.

Emdr might help a tiny bit by reducing amygdala activity but the usual set of wellbeing tools has not helped at all.

My life has been hell (or worse) on earth and as far as i see is set to get worse.

I have very few or no general life skills apart from being able to articulate my misery and only then due to serotonin from anti-depressants.

My brain has various addiction pathways hardwired and also spends its day thinking up worst case scenarios. Sleep is reduced to 1-2 hours per night

Any male survivors who have experienced this (violent trauma in the early development years, between 0 and 6 years old) and then been trapped with the person who did this, and then made any progress at all ?

Hello @hopelesscase . Yes I was trapped living with the person who traumatised me for decades. Its hell. I have a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. I would suggest to you that you try and implement some baby steps to introduce structure to your days/week. Like,

1) read

2) walk to a coffee shop and get a drink.

3) find some kind of hobby, like a sport or creative art.

It's possible, even just doing one of these things will make you feel good and will inspire you. You have obviously hit rock bottom and the illness you described that you don't have yet but will likely get are a sign of your desperation.

There is hope!!!

 

[hopelesscase]

thanks but i know there is no hope. i went for walk this eve using a boot that i have to wear for my broken foot after self-harming. i saw a friend today but none of it helps much as my brain is stuck in fight/flight mode forever. thanks for replying though

 

[Lost in the Woods]

My abuse started when I was pre verbal and lasted until I was 12 when there was separation for a couple years and then my mother’s suicide. I thought I skated through but in my 40s ptsd symptoms appeared but we thought until 4 months ago that they were part of a neurological condition I have. In those 4 months I have experienced a great deal of improvement. I am diving head first into my recovery. I am very optimistic at this point.

 

[hopelesscase]

thanks, wow, well done, i believe that women are more resilient than men, i have no oxytocin, seratonin or dopamine to speak off and have been living off addictions instead, its been an empty and bleak world i have been in

 

[parrotthepolly]

thanks, wow, well done, i believe that women are more resilient than men, i have no oxytocin, seratonin or dopamine to speak off and have been living off addictions instead, its been an empty and bleak world i have been in

Haha funny you should say that because I was emotionally abused (non physical at all) in 2 households in my childhood and didn't find out how serious it was until I was around 20 yo when I was deep in my own addictions and given up on life cause of all the thoughts that were out in my head. Even if I know they're not "true" they're ingrained into my subconscious...

I basically had signs of OCD when I was under 6 yo and weird relationship with food at 7 and didn't realise that was a trauma response which lead to full blown anorexia which I know I will die from as my body gets less resilient overtime.

My brain hardly produce serotonin anymore, even artificially and I feel absolutely nothing most of the time ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

It's weird I only feel safe in fight/flight mode, if I'm slightly relaxed I feel completely helpless so can't help you sorry.