TruthSeeker
Diamond Member
My therapist said to come here to this site. This initially, made me feel more different, but no one I know would understand PTSD parts or insiders. They would be confused or afraid. I was initially angry for being referred here. I told her I shouldn't be broken in the first place-it was preventable. She said I would find others in similar situations. I want what I should have been in the first place; what was taken from me-wholeness/oneness. I want what all the crazies in my family who are also broken in one way or another don't have, happiness. So, here I am searching like everyone else. A way to be content....it seems so far away.
I was adopted, molested as a child by a family member, an epileptic (a freak at school, unwanted problem at home when I was in high school), an adult TBI survivor, and abused by 2 husbands (pick your flavor). These events helped shape the person I am today, but I try to believe that they can not define who I will become in the future. I know that they are and will be a part of my history-working on acceptance of this fact. I now struggle with many issues with belonging. I struggle with being different. I struggle with being grounded when I'm still confronted by people who hurt me. I have had to turn my back on the family crazies, set boundaries ( some are bucking the boundary setting), and stop fixing in an effort to be accepted and acknowledged, and start down a new path, in order to begin the healing process. This has been a true struggle because they were all I knew. They were my normal. They were all I had, although very dysfunctional. Even though I was not acknowledged, I was a no-one to all of them, I was different, I didn't fit in, and they had a skewed perception of love. So, for the first time, I'm living alone in my own place with little connection to others. The aloneness, the loneliness, being different again- this time with parts- this is painful. It wasn't as though seizures weren't enough of an issue to make me different-now insiders to be different-a private issue I can only talk with a T. Different has been a life theme.
I keep reminding myself that I can choose to become who I want....a better person then those who hurt me and that maybe not fitting in is a good thing- maybe there is a silver lining down the road. I believe the ability to change, to be a better person, is and has to be in my control. It is the single thing that gives me hope for the drama to diminish, and to have happiness and contentment with the life I have left (I'm over 60 starting this journey). I do have a sense of spirituality and that has been quite helpful. Without it, I would not have faith in change, nor hope for a better future. I'm not a specific religion, but I have quite liberal spiritual beliefs. I am not alone as long as I have hope. That helps a lot when I need support and no one else is there to talk to.
I can only share what is working for me at this time.
To make sense of it all I journal a lot. I also draw....draw the insiders; the good ones, the ones with talents, the children, and the not so good ones. Between journaling and drawing, I can figure out their purpose, relate them to feelings and function...and if I can't, my very good trauma therapist can help clarify. She is gentle, respects the parts, and asks me to ask inside when there is conflict. I don't always get an answer right away, sometimes there is just silence. Other times, there are strong feelings and multiple answers. Being open to communicate with my insiders (a weird idea at first) has helped to cut down the noise and confusion; cut down the dissociation, and I think it makes the self stronger as a whole.
Drawing the insiders in such a way that they have clear feelings, and then finish with a touch of color also helps to symbolize the feeling, makes them distinct, feel acknowledged, and helps me better understand and know parts of myself better. I don't think I have "parts" like little separate people running around in my head. They are just parts of the personality. Each drawing of an insider makes me feel less burdened, brings understanding where there is confusion, makes me feel lighter and I gain understanding from this process. I think for some, drawing a picture acknowledges their presence within. It also helps with communication because I have a visual picture of them (like a photo of an event) rather than imagining a blurry muck of feelings and chaos. Drawing helps to put order where there is disorder. Once an insider's image is completely finished and drawn, the noise in my head lessens each time and I feel a beginning of resolution for that part. The feeling is peaceful. I feel lighter, just a bit. Things overall have started to improve. As I am able to lessen my stress, I have more time to work at this journey.
I also do wildlife photography and the peaceful feeling I get from that, and the accomplished feeling, and mostly the quiet of being outdoors is amazing. It helps to give relief and reduces stress. So does the thought of retiring and not working with children with trauma-a few who speak openly of their parts.
This is a huge burden-their pain. I will miss them because we understand each other-we connect. These are the children who tear up everyone else's class, but I can usually reason with them where other adults just toss them out of class. I will not miss the sadness of their pain nor the amount of energy I have to expend on their pain and behavior as it sucks me dry.
So, I found I REALLY like drawing. I didn't know I could draw until recently. I found an artist who does creativity coaching and drawing classes. I'm set up to take a private lesson every other week. This sounds like it is up my ally and something that in part, could be fun but benefit the healing process in combination with my T. So, as I struggle with not belonging and the loneliness, the journaling, poetry, drawing and creativity are help me to better understand myself and are sometimes rewarding. Semi-retirement will bring with it a new set of changes. I hope one day for unity of parts and this is number 1 on my bucket list: To be content with myself in life.
I was adopted, molested as a child by a family member, an epileptic (a freak at school, unwanted problem at home when I was in high school), an adult TBI survivor, and abused by 2 husbands (pick your flavor). These events helped shape the person I am today, but I try to believe that they can not define who I will become in the future. I know that they are and will be a part of my history-working on acceptance of this fact. I now struggle with many issues with belonging. I struggle with being different. I struggle with being grounded when I'm still confronted by people who hurt me. I have had to turn my back on the family crazies, set boundaries ( some are bucking the boundary setting), and stop fixing in an effort to be accepted and acknowledged, and start down a new path, in order to begin the healing process. This has been a true struggle because they were all I knew. They were my normal. They were all I had, although very dysfunctional. Even though I was not acknowledged, I was a no-one to all of them, I was different, I didn't fit in, and they had a skewed perception of love. So, for the first time, I'm living alone in my own place with little connection to others. The aloneness, the loneliness, being different again- this time with parts- this is painful. It wasn't as though seizures weren't enough of an issue to make me different-now insiders to be different-a private issue I can only talk with a T. Different has been a life theme.
I keep reminding myself that I can choose to become who I want....a better person then those who hurt me and that maybe not fitting in is a good thing- maybe there is a silver lining down the road. I believe the ability to change, to be a better person, is and has to be in my control. It is the single thing that gives me hope for the drama to diminish, and to have happiness and contentment with the life I have left (I'm over 60 starting this journey). I do have a sense of spirituality and that has been quite helpful. Without it, I would not have faith in change, nor hope for a better future. I'm not a specific religion, but I have quite liberal spiritual beliefs. I am not alone as long as I have hope. That helps a lot when I need support and no one else is there to talk to.
I can only share what is working for me at this time.
To make sense of it all I journal a lot. I also draw....draw the insiders; the good ones, the ones with talents, the children, and the not so good ones. Between journaling and drawing, I can figure out their purpose, relate them to feelings and function...and if I can't, my very good trauma therapist can help clarify. She is gentle, respects the parts, and asks me to ask inside when there is conflict. I don't always get an answer right away, sometimes there is just silence. Other times, there are strong feelings and multiple answers. Being open to communicate with my insiders (a weird idea at first) has helped to cut down the noise and confusion; cut down the dissociation, and I think it makes the self stronger as a whole.
Drawing the insiders in such a way that they have clear feelings, and then finish with a touch of color also helps to symbolize the feeling, makes them distinct, feel acknowledged, and helps me better understand and know parts of myself better. I don't think I have "parts" like little separate people running around in my head. They are just parts of the personality. Each drawing of an insider makes me feel less burdened, brings understanding where there is confusion, makes me feel lighter and I gain understanding from this process. I think for some, drawing a picture acknowledges their presence within. It also helps with communication because I have a visual picture of them (like a photo of an event) rather than imagining a blurry muck of feelings and chaos. Drawing helps to put order where there is disorder. Once an insider's image is completely finished and drawn, the noise in my head lessens each time and I feel a beginning of resolution for that part. The feeling is peaceful. I feel lighter, just a bit. Things overall have started to improve. As I am able to lessen my stress, I have more time to work at this journey.
I also do wildlife photography and the peaceful feeling I get from that, and the accomplished feeling, and mostly the quiet of being outdoors is amazing. It helps to give relief and reduces stress. So does the thought of retiring and not working with children with trauma-a few who speak openly of their parts.
This is a huge burden-their pain. I will miss them because we understand each other-we connect. These are the children who tear up everyone else's class, but I can usually reason with them where other adults just toss them out of class. I will not miss the sadness of their pain nor the amount of energy I have to expend on their pain and behavior as it sucks me dry.
So, I found I REALLY like drawing. I didn't know I could draw until recently. I found an artist who does creativity coaching and drawing classes. I'm set up to take a private lesson every other week. This sounds like it is up my ally and something that in part, could be fun but benefit the healing process in combination with my T. So, as I struggle with not belonging and the loneliness, the journaling, poetry, drawing and creativity are help me to better understand myself and are sometimes rewarding. Semi-retirement will bring with it a new set of changes. I hope one day for unity of parts and this is number 1 on my bucket list: To be content with myself in life.
