General Advice for when my wife is feeling suicidal

[AdamKadmon]

First post of probably many - glad to find this group.

My wife suffers from CPTSD, diagnosed and really manifesting only after we'd been together for 3 or 4 years. Things are not great right now for various complicated, intertwined reasons.

But my main concern at the moment is when we have an argument - which is very common lately - my wife ends up feeling suicidal. Last night she got to the stage where she was actually planning it for a specific time in the future. I'm a logical, rational person and respond to reasoning and CBT-type therapy. She doesn't, and one of the things her therapist tells her is that she needs to feel her feelings because she was never able to growing up. But I'm guessing that doesn't apply to suicidal feelings. Last night she didn't want to be touched, and I was angry and full of anxiety because of the argument. So talking doesn't work, physical comfort doesn't work, and she doesn't have any suggestions other than to come here and ask. We're traveling for 6 weeks in another country, with the idea of looking for a place to live and emigrate. So getting help from her therapist isn't really an option, though I've suggested calling her. So what am I supposed to do?

 

[Ronin]

Life protection & physical safety comes before (emotional) processing. That needs be safeguarded first.

Is medication an option?
What are your wife's self regulatory mechanisms, how does she keep herself from acting on the suicidal ideation?

And, your health & safety is as important as your wife's. So is your self care. She is responsible for herself and her mental illness.

 

[Sweetpea76]

In a nutshell... don’t argue with her if that is her response to arguments.

Don’t engage, don’t escalate, don’t defend yourself. Not when she’s ramping up.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if somebody is actually suicidal, if it’s suicidal ideation, or if it’s a form of emotional manipulation to punish you for arguing with them. It’s scary and horrible when somebody starts in with suicide talk. It’s impossible to watch them 24/7, and being on constant death watch is not good for your own mental health. Making you responsible for “keeping them alive” is a shitty thing to do. All you can do if you think she’s serious is call the authorities for help (and tell her that). Regardless... if there is no immediate threat, the easiest solution would be not to give her a reason to even go there.

Arguing with your PTSD suffering partner is like throwing gasoline on a fire. It’s not productive, you’ll never win, it never ends well. It’s just not worth it. There’s no law that says you’re obligated to argue even if they’re the instigator (and trust me, when they’re symptomatic they’re the instigator a lot of the time). You’ll never be able to defend yourself if she’s already decided you’re the designated asshole.

So what do you do? Walk away. Refuse to argue, table the discussion until everybody is calm. I’m not saying to acquiesce to her every whim and demand... I’m saying pick your battles and save discussions about the important things until both of you are calmer and more collected.

 

[AdamKadmon]

@Sweetpea76 thanks so much for that - I got queasy chills reading it, because it's exactly right-on. Except maybe the part about punishing me for arguing with her. More like punishing me for being the emblem for everything traumatic thing that ever happened to her, and untrustable like all humans.

The timing of what you wrote was also perfect because today we had a really good, totally open talk and agreed exactly what you wrote. "Don’t engage, don’t escalate, don’t defend yourself. Not when she’s ramping up." So hard to do because my impulse is to try to solve the damn problem. Plus the unresolved problems from a day or two ago or whatever, the last time she ramped up. It's hard when it's directed at ME rather than those who hurt her, because I want to defend, explain, etc. thinking it will make things better if she understands. But I'm determined to not engage anymore because I know that it's best for my mental health as well as hers.

We also used the word "symptomatic" today for the first time, and it seems she's finally starting to see the degree to which her CPTSD is clouding so many other unrelated parts of her life - especially to do with me. She often gets really angry, thinking that I'm trying to be "perfect" and put all the blame for an argument on her - but this time she heard it, and I hope it will be some kind of breakthrough.

This is probably very common and doesn't need saying, but the difference between her "normal" self and her triggered one is like night and day. She's usually rational, kind, super intelligent, and has done a lot of therapy and other kinds of work on herself.

@Ronin medication not really an option. She does have mechanisms like yoga, redirecting her thoughts... a whole list she showed me today, and more she got on this forum today. So I'll just try to remind her of some of them when she starts spinning out. If she'll let me, and not start hurling blame and anger. And yeah, she keeps telling me that too - that we're responsible for our own mental health.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So hard to do because my impulse is to try to solve the damn problem.

I get it. Fixing things for them would be the easiest solution. I spent a lot of time banging my head against the wall too. “Why won’t you just let me fill out the damn paper/make the call/fix the thing/XYZ instead of stressing yourself sick??” You gotta realize though, it’s not the “problem” that’s the problem... it’s PTSD, and there’s nothing you can do to fix that.

Sometimes you just gotta make like Elsa and let it go.