Advice From Mothers

[Casey_03]

This thread is specifically for women on here who have raised children .... I need your advice. I have asked a few female friends this same question but they always paint a very rosy picture and I think they are sugarcoating things just to not stress me out. As some of you may know, I am due to have my first child in a couple months and I will be raising it alone. The father bailed, and I have no family around. If I stay in Ukraine (which depends on whether or not I can get a visa extension in the next week or so), the birth will be very different from what it would be like in the States (I think?). Maybe you guys can shed some light on this for me. Basically, as far as I understand, if you give birth in the States, the doctors can take the baby away for some time immediately after birth so that the mother can rest. Is that correct? So if you spend 19 hours in labor, for instance, you will still have a chance to sleep for a bit before taking the baby home. In Ukraine, there is no such system, and the doctors don't help with the baby - so if you spend 19 hours giving birth, you don't get a chance to rest and recover, there is no other room where the doctors can take the baby, you keep the baby with you in your little room straight from the get go. The idea of not having time to recover terrifies me, because I know that once I take the baby home, I will also not have time to recover, since there is no one around to help me at all. And then I will be entering into the most terrifying test of my life with no sleep and no recovery from the birth itself. (And yes, I do realize that having a newborn means I won't be able to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time anyway, but I had really been counting on having time to recover after the birth.) Am I confused about how this all works? Can someone who's raised children tell me? I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

[Riot]

@Casey_03, I'm not sure how it was for anyone else, but no, they absolutely will not take your baby from you without permission, unless your baby is in critical condition and they are removing him or her to tend to that critical condition. When I gave birth to my daughter, and my husband and I slept, our daughter was under a heat lamp and in the same room with us. If you give birth in the states, be sure to tell the nurses and the person helping you deliver that you absolutely do not want your baby out of arms reach. It is not an unreasonable request, and medical emergencies aside, should absolutely be respected.

 

[Casey_03]

No, I don't mean without permission. I thought they would take the baby if the mother wanted to rest. I've had a few friends deliver in the States and they said it was a GOOD thing, that there was a separate room where the baby could be taken care of so that the mother could sleep and recover for at least a few hours. I'm not concerned about them taking the baby without my permission, that's not what I meant.

 

[digger]

I gave birth in the UK. 22 hour labour. Went home after two hours in hospital. That was my choice though. My sister has usually stayed longer in hospital with each of her children but they were in the same room as her. Personally I wouldn't have wanted them taking my baby away from me. I think here generally the baby would be in the same room as you at least. They only tend to remove it if there is a problem.

I understand why you're worried and that you're going to be alone. I was still with my partner at that point, but to be honest I would have been better off on my own. But yes, you will be tired, and emotional, and sore etc For the first few weeks you will need to give up on the idea of getting anything much done. Sleep when your baby sleeps is important. Stock up on easy to prepare food well beforehand if possible. Forget housework. Accept help where it's offered.

Single parenting can be really hard work, but so can parenting with another person! It can be done and I think you are going to be fine.

I worried so much about so many things during my pregnancy because you just have no way really of knowing what having a baby is going to be like until you have it. Try not to overthink it all.

 

[Riot]

No, I don't mean without permission. I thought they would take the baby if the mother wanted to rest. I...

My misunderstanding. As far as I'm aware it's an either or preferential thing. Most hospitals encourage adequate rest before leaving.

 

[Casey_03]

Ahhh I don't know how I'm going to do this. It's not just the father who won't be around, there will be literally no one around. No friends or relatives either.

 

[digger]

Are there midwife services there who will be visiting you at home after the birth?

It is difficult being alone but still doable.

I have no idea about the Ukraine. Can you get things delivered there, like groceries? Are there things like mother and baby groups?

Who are the female friends you mentioned above? Would any of them be able to visit, even briefly?

Doesn't necessarily have to be good friends but maybe make a list of work colleagues, neighbours etc who you could ask to get things for you if you need something but can't get out yourself? Anyone who might be able to just call in even briefly. If not then I would go with being as prepared as possible now in terms of having food and things in.

I know you don't have long but is moving anywhere else at all an option. Not necessarily where you know more people, just where you might get better healthcare?

 

[Casey_03]

@digger No, no midwife services. I had been planning on paying a nanny a few months after the birth (a girl I know and trust), but she's out of the country for the next six months. And yes, I can get groceries delivered, which is a godsend. All of the female friends I mentioned live in different countries. While I do have some friends here, the problem is that they are all journalists who travel very often, so they are rarely in town and I wouldn't say I can count on them. I have one female friend but she herself has a newborn at home and a full time job, so I doubt she'd have time to help me. I'm also worried because I will have no one to bring me food while I am in the hospital after the birth, the only thing I can do is order stuff to be delivered, which will be really humiliating. And no, moving elsewhere is not an option, though I wish it were. It's a very complicated situation, but basically if I move, I lose my maternity leave and income, and I have no savings to live off of so I NEED to have an income or cannot feed the baby. I also just have no money to relocate. I'm already fighting tooth and nail to keep my job and maternity leave and be able to stay in the country (my employer tried to deprive me of maternity leave until I hired a lawyer, and now they are sabotaging my work permit). If I had known all of this stuff would happen earlier in the pregnancy, I would have tried to find a new job to relocate then, when my pregnancy wasn't so far along, but now it's just too late.

 

[digger]

I had been planning on paying a nanny a few months after the birth (a girl I know and trust), but she's out of the country for the next six months.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more useful to offer, but with regards to the above, if it's an option, I would divert some of the money you planned for that to maybe having someone come in even if it's just a couple of times, to help you around the house.

I know my situation wasn't the same, but I was hundreds of miles away from any family and in a place we'd only moved to a month earlier. I had no friends, barely knew anyone at all except my partner, and he added as many problems really.

It is tough being so isolated, but if you can get anyone at all to help with even small practical things it can make a bit of difference, so paying someone to come clean etc in the first week at least, so all you have to do is feed yourself and the baby and sleep, might be useful?

 

[Casey_03]

@digger Yeah, I think that is certainly doable, and thank you for suggesting it - it's one of those things I probably would not have thought of if you hadn't mentioned it. Most of the friends with children I've consulted say things like, "Oh you'll be fine, it's super easy and the baby will sleep most of the time." But I realize now that they are able to say this because they had a lot of help - partners, parents, relatives, etc, and these people took the load off by helping around the house. So yes, I will definitely try to set something up now for someone to come by a few times a week. Thanks!

 

[ladee]

@Casey_03 , one thing that has not been mentioned, some of your stress will go away when you first get to hold your precious baby. That is a love like no other. Happy to hear you will try to get some help in at first. Try not to worry about things, I know it is easier said than done. But right now, the baby needs to know how welcome he or she will be in your life. Also try to think of the all the little discoveries you will be making, being a first time mom. Their little hands, feet, their precious little faces, ears and nose ..... You are making wonderful loving choices for your sweet baby. You are going to make an awesome mom. Making sure things are in place before it gets here.... that is one awesome mom... Sending you lots of hugs if you accept them.

 

[Fadeaway]

I want to start out by saying, I haven't wanted to reply to your threads for a while now, but I find it very difficult as a decent portion of your situation hits so close to home from when I was pregnant with my first. Granted, I was not out my country, but I didn't know where I would be taking my baby home too, and I was completely on my own.

I had zero help. not a single offer from anyone to cook a meal for me, let alone let me get some rest. Heck, not even a single phone call to see how we were doing.

So, with that said, I'll start by saying every hospital in the U.S. handles things different. The hospital I had my first child in, whisked the babies away to the nursery and didn't allow for rooming in. The Hospital I had my send in, didn't take the babies to a nursery, but the nurse would watch the baby long enough to take a shower. It just depends. City versus rural and all that.

As far as not having any help, it is doable. Your babies temperament will play a huge role in how difficult it is. Your baby may be very easy going or it could be colicky. The first night will be the most difficult, but don't forget the baby will be exhausted from the birth as well.

If you are planning on breastfeeding, once you get the hang of it, you can get extra sleep time dozing off while the baby is eating. That was a life saver for me.