Advice on Explaining the Finer Points of PTSD?

[Lucky Laser]

Hey guys! I return with some questions.

My husband and I have been working with/on my PTSD for awhile now and I think there have been great improvements. But there are some things he still doesn't seem to understand and I was wondering if anyone could help me explain them.

1. When I'm feeling down, sometimes I don't know why. I think it is difficult for others to understand that there doesn't always have to be a clear cut reason, or maybe that reason hasn't been discovered yet. How can I explain that "I don't know" is (or perhaps it isn't?) an acceptable answer to the chronic question of "What's wrong?"

2. Good days and bad days: Am I the only one who on some days feels like things are good/better, but on others just feel downright squashed flat? How do I explain that sometimes some days are just good and some days are just bad without saying something like "it just is"?

3. Steps backwards: What stinks is that I'll be cool for a day or maybe even a week, and all of a sudden PTSD rears its ugly head and I get the question of why did it get worse again after so much improvement? How can I explain that improvement isn't linear and that sometimes even after two good months there might be a totally bad one?
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Any help would be appreciated. :)

Also, feel free to post any things you have trouble explaining!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

I usually don't have to explain...Most people know me, and know that I suffer from PTSD and depression. But I would say...Tell them what you feel comfortable with, you DON'T need to explain anything with anyone!!!!

 

[2quilt]

I am glad to hear from you again, LL; I missed you! I have wondered where you were, how you were doing in school, thought about your insights on medicine.

I explain my PTSD to Darling Husband like it's ocean waves. My emotional state can vary like the tides, but not as connected to a clock or calendar. Some days and some hours inside those days, I can feel calm, stable, happy, really comfortable, while other days are flat, sad, empty, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's like standing in the ocean at waist-deep, and the waves hit me and with some of them I can hold myself upright, while others knock me down. The waves don't come in any pattern that I can set my watch to catch the next one. I just have to keep breathing and know that there will be another wave in my future.

 

[Riggs413]

Hey Lucky Laser, I second what 2quilt said. 2quilt's description/analogy is the best that I have come across.

I seem to have it easier than you with my DW. She just accepts it when I tell her that I am having a bad day. We both now know that if I know the reason, I will tell her, if I don't say anything, then she knows that I don't know what the issue is with me for that day. Getting to this point took a great deal of effort from both of us. Hope that you talk with your DH about it and come to an understanding that works for both of you.

While She Cat is right, that you don't need to explain anything to anyone, IMHO it's kind of difficult to do that to your other half if you want to have a good relationship. Again, IMHO, my DW and I have worked out what I will and won't talk to her about when it comes to my PTSD. Like all relationships, with PTSD or not, communication, understanding and tolerance are key.

Good luck and hope you work it out.

 

[warrior]

Personally, I find it exasperating and negative to have to explain myself all the time and repeatedly. We do not always have the answers to our experiences, and even if we have, we may not have the right answer. I find it particularly hard to answer questions from people who are extremely logically minded and who have a need for rational cause-effect answers and who think dualistically. In those instances I would explain the pattern of my experiences (such as there will always be a cyclical pattern of ups and downs) without feeling a need to forcibly breakdown the phenomena down into mechanistic explanations.

A boundary needs to be drawn between desire to understand and acceptance without having all the necessary understanding and explanations. That holds for us with PTSD and those who are close to us.

Warrior

 

[Mina]

I wish I had something helpful to respond with, but all I can say is, you're not alone in that whole better/squashed day thing (#2). I also give the "I don't know" answer when all I know is that *something* is wrong, I just don't know *what* is wrong.

The question I hate responding to is, "Is there anything I can do to help?" I answer that no, there isn't, just leave me alone. And inevitably I am going about doing or not doing whatever, and I am asked the question again. And I respond, I already told you, leave me alone! I got this from DH 3 times today and kept progressively getting more ticked off...by the third time, I was yelling, "YEAH, leave me the **** alone and quit asking!!" I realize that he wants to help, but sheesh, I'm not lying when I say to leave me alone. Don't know how to explain that one any more clearly.

 

[2quilt]

Thank you, Riggs!

Mina, when you are feeling calm, do what I do with my loving but dense husband. Grab him by the ears so he is focused on what you are saying, and ask him to concentrate on you, and say, "When I tell you to leave me alone, what does that mean to you?" (It should mean to leave me the hell alone, right? But remember he's being loving and trying to be helpful.) "When I tell you I want to be alone, I mean it. When I want company, I will come to you. I need my space now, and if you want to live, you will give me time alone."

Or something to that effect.

When he obeys you, give him ice cream. (I swear they are just like little kids and domesticated animals. They respond to positive reinforcement.)

 

[Mina]

Hee hee hee... :smile: Thanks, 2quilt, I will have to try that...he IS a sucker for Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia!!

 

[anthony]

1. When I'm feeling down, sometimes I don't know why. I think it is difficult for others to understand that there doesn't always have to be a clear cut reason, or maybe that reason hasn't been discovered yet. How can I explain that "I don't know" is (or perhaps it isn't?) an acceptable answer to the chronic question of "What's wrong?"

The simple answer is within the diagnosis itself... depression is one aspect of PTSD. Yes, you can help yourself to control it though by recognising when another says "what's wrong", that maybe they are telling you that you are not right, though you don't recognise it or don't want to at that time... that is a sign to get motivated and get going, where you will usually find some activity will quickly get you past the depression.

2. Good days and bad days: Am I the only one who on some days feels like things are good/better, but on others just feel downright squashed flat? How do I explain that sometimes some days are just good and some days are just bad without saying something like "it just is"?

The chemical imbalance within your brain is the reason why. Depending on what stressor is around / coming at any given time in your life depends on how your brain will react, none of which you can predict the outcome. The only thing you can do is recognise the cue that something is going wrong... something is stressing you. Again, the best outcome when someone is saying something like that is to make a decision. Get going and do something to get you energetic and motivated, which usually helps more often than not; or you rest. Rest is sometimes the best outcome, which allows your brain to just chill and relax, no stress. Saying that, the later is not the best outcome each time nor an excuse. I would always encourage a person to option one first, and if doing a few things doesn't motivate you, then rest for a day and then get motivated.

3. Steps backwards: What stinks is that I'll be cool for a day or maybe even a week, and all of a sudden PTSD rears its ugly head and I get the question of why did it get worse again after so much improvement? How can I explain that improvement isn't linear and that sometimes even after two good months there might be a totally bad one?

Because you forget that all stress is overloading for PTSD at times. It builds up. Think about the cup model.... it just takes one or two stressors to be added into your cup and bam... your PTSD aspect never moves. At your absolute best possible point, you have more stress than someone without PTSD. The physiological change in your brain is what derives some of the questions you ask.... though the answer really is that you just simply do not control this. This is PTSD and you do not control the illness... you can only manage it the best you can. PTSD is constantly trying to take control, you are the wall in its way. Even the strongest of walls will crumble regularly with PTSD.... that is the incurable aspect you are now finding and trying to workout. All you can do is accept that this is the way your life will be.... accept it. Manage your life the best you can and recognise the symptoms and telltail signs, beat what you can, work with other aspects of and don't fight it. The more exposure to life, the more exposure you have to anything that makes you stressed and ill... the better you become over time. Don't forget about that time aspect... it is crucial. It takes years of exposure to life in small doses in order to help the brain and retrain it to what is a threat vs. what is not.

 

[2quilt]

I agree with Anthony. I just tell DH that I am having a chemical imbalance which would be solved by Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. Several overflowing cups.

 

[Lucky Laser]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I really appreciate your time. :) I do think that on the one hand, I shouldn't have to explain some things so much, but on the other, if he is having trouble with it and finding a good way to explain it helps, then our communication will improve. I know that I like it when he gives me an explanation for something that I am stuck on. Communication is constantly evolving between us, but I think that is a good thing because over time things get easier.

I talked to my Mom the other day and she said that after around 30 years of marriage, her and my Dad are still learning to communicate. So I know it can't happen over night. :)

 

[uplate]

2. Good days and bad days: Am I the only one who on some days feels like things are good/better, but on others just feel downright squashed flat? How do I explain that sometimes some days are just good and some days are just bad without saying something like "it just is"?

I just say I'm having a bad day, I've told the people I need to what I need from them during those times, they seem to have got used to it but still they pry and I still feel the need to try and explain it. Not knowing when I'll be ok or not is one of the hardest parts, it makes it hard to make plans or explain why sometimes something is easy and other times the same thing is really difficult. It makes it hard for people to know what to expect from me or what my capabilities are.

My dad is one of those people who likes to fix things (his nick name is mr fix it, if he can't fix it no one can, it applies to cars and electronics but sometimes he thinks he can fix human problems too and the open ended nature of them frustrates him) I don't know but maybe he wants to help and is frustrated because he can't, he can lend support though. If it's any consolation experts in the field still don't undertand everything about PTSD.

3. Steps backwards: What stinks is that I'll be cool for a day or maybe even a week, and all of a sudden PTSD rears its ugly head and I get the question of why did it get worse again after so much improvement? How can I explain that improvement isn't linear and that sometimes even after two good months there might be a totally bad one?

Two steps forward one step back, it's cyclic as well going over the same ground, difference is if you're working on it each time around the same issue is less threatening and you're able to address it at a deeper level. It's like practice, say if you learn to play a song each time you practice it's the same song but you're working on different elements of it, sometimes you might be learning the notes/chords, other times the speed, others the interpretation, you're improving even though it feels like you just got one bit nailed down only to find there is more work to do. In all that you can still have an off day where nothing goes right. I've found with my own recovery I still have bad days but less often and less intense and I've accumulated stratergies to cope better.[/quote]

The "depression/isolation part" people give me advice on how to "cheer up" thinking it will be enough to fix it. I find I slide fast if I don't catch it quickly and take steps to avoid it getting worse, sometimes it still happens in spite of my best efforts. I describe it as like going scuba diving, the deeper you go the more pressure you feel, the faster you sink and the more decission making becomes difficult, the further down the harder to get back up all the while people on the surface have no idea what is happening below it. You can't fight the elements only understand how they work and work with or around them and your dive buddy can only do so much to help you.

A sense of humour is essential even if it's a dark one, it helps remind you even though this stuff is big your strength is bigger. In jokes too are good.