Six Ways to be The Persecutory Therapist *cue the thunder and lightning*

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I feel my psychiatrist's loss keenly because even though she didn't understand me. I needed all the connections that I can get.

Relate to this. It's a loss, even if just in the potential for something. Rocky connections are still connections.

 

[ms spock]

There's so much to this.

 

[ms spock]

@ms spock - would it be helpful to have feedback? Or is this more of a vent?

I don't know @Sideways.

I guess I am leaning towards a big venting. Just getting it all out.

I am feeling so fragile at the moment. I don't think I could manage being criticised. My psychiatrist really went at me.

My psychiatrist said odd things to me. Some weren't kind.

I could not cope with being challenged at the moment because all this stuff is coming up.

My trauma informed therapist is kind of walking me through it. But I can't see her often enough.

I don't know if my temporary accommodation from the cyclone and the fire will continue. I don't know where I will live. There's no kitchen or laundry in the house. I have no furniture left. I am battling with the Insurance Company.

So yes just venting at the moment.

 

[ms spock]

I woke up and I started crying this morning I don't know whether to try doing stuff or distract myself.

 

[ms spock]

So even though this is a lot. I am decompressing significantly.

I am connecting up a lot as well these last few months.

It has been really rugged. But I am more here.

 

[ms spock]

Whatever the Feic happened she is the psychiatrist. She has the responsibility to take action. If she didn't find it worthwhile doing therapy with me. Then it was her responsibility to take action and refer me onwards. Trying to dump that on me now is illogical.

 

[ms spock]

At some point my psychiatrist had to know I would transition into my own agency. That I would eventually grow, change & disagree with her & assert myself. That's a normal development for someone recovering from developmental trauma. I have grown because I have worked with a trauma informed counsellor.

If she is one of our country's best psychiatrists, trainers, ongoing professional development developers and conference organisers, then surely she would have enough skills, experience and brain space to do this? Or a supervisor if she is struggling.

To me it feels like there was no space in her head for anything but a much younger freeze and fawn ms spock. And she attacked and mocked me when I challenged her, in what really amounts to minor challenges about my continuing care. All she had to do was copy and paste the referrals.

I am guessing that somehow her ego was offended by what I said. The intellectual debates we had went awry. And she attacked and mocked me when I challenged her, in what really amounts to minor challenges about my continuing care. All she had to do was copy and paste the referrals.

Or as she said to me that she had no idea what was going on with me. Maybe she was embarrassed by not knowing?

Or she has attachment issues that she is unable to deal with?

I am unlikely to know.

She was transitioning her other clients last year. Some of that was tricky for her. It might be for me too. Of course, I needed to know what is going on with my transitioning to another psychiatrist.

And why she wasn't living up to our sessions on this and her reassurance and promises about what she would do for me to make absolutely sure that I would be in the hands of some one with the depth of knowledge and skills required to manage the complexity of my medications
and complexity of my Compex Trauma, Major Depression Disorder, GAD, Developmental Trauma, Disorganised Attachment, DDNOS and Complex PTSD. Especially since her story about the date of her retirement kept changing.

 

[ms spock]

I needed to stay and process this. This has been worthwhile spending time working on this.

I was scared that I was being lazy. My psychiatrist always told me to keep doing more and more. I couldn't keep up with her expectations for me.

She didn't praise me or give positive feedback. I really hungered for that. But I didn't have the skills to walk away. I was so profoundly dissociated and fragmenting.

I did the best that I could do. I just didn't have a connection to my self or the skills to walk away.

The relationship with my psychiatrist has been the longest I have ever had.

It is going to take time to process this.