Turning Point - A mix of extreme anxiety, personal morals, rage, and deep depression.

[whiteraven]

Feel free to move to a different forum. I don't now where to put this--it's a mix of extreme anxiety, personal morals, rage, and deep depression. Oddly, it's also leading to something better--I think--so it's kind of an accomplishment. I need to write it for others to read because no one in RL hears me anymore.

I volunteer for a rescue which, until fairly recently, I thought was no-kill. I am staunchly anti euthanasia for animals, except in cases of extreme physical suffering. In any other case, any issues point to a failure on our part. This rescue has a very different mindset, and they kill animals for behavioral issues (and sometimes just for liability reasons).

The issue first arose a number of months ago when I found out they intended to kill a beautiful 2yo dog because he was "aggressive." They refused to approve him for training, so the foster took it upon herself to find and fund training. Long story short, the dog was adopted and is enjoying life in a loving family. The foster was summarily removed from the rescue.

I offered to do energy work with the "difficult" animals, in the hopes that the rescue would see that there were other, non-traditional ways to do things. I started working with a cat immediately, and he has gone from "unadoptable" to being put up for adoption on a regular basis. That's more, I think, a change in mindset of the foster--she is stuck, like the rescue, in old ways of thinking and traditional ways of managing behavior.

I worked with a mama dog, and her whole countenance changed with just one session. She is also now living her best life with a loving family.

Someone recently asked me to work with a large dog that had been returned to us 3x because he suffered from severe separation anxiety. He was beautiful to work with--physically just a gorgeous dog and super sweet.

The trainer saw him the day after our first session and recommended euthanasia. I hate euphemisms.

I met with the cat again yesterday, and chatted some with the foster, who is connected to nearly every aspect of the rescue. She told me--

They killed him Thursday.

I was angry. She said there was just nothing more they could do. I gave her a list of things. She said it was the kindest thing to do for him, that he was happy now. I reminded her that we don't kill children that are behavior problems or suffering emotionally (she has 3 who are disabled) because, in fact, murder is not kind. And we don't know for a fact that death=happy (although I've been much closer to convincing myself of that lately). She said he died peacefully and his ashes would sit on the mantle with all the other fosters who had died. I reminded her that we truly have NO IDEA if he died at peace and that all of what she said was a rationalization for killing him. Things to make her feel better.

This has broken me in ways I can't begin to describe.

I left her house and drove to a local park, found an empty place, and sobbed for an hour. This was yesterday, and I can't stop crying. I announced in the two main areas I volunteer that I'm stopping immediately and taking an extended break, not sure if or when I'll return. I'm torn about not returning only because I am working with this wonderful cat, and I want to see him through to adoption. She has, though, assured me that if he is not adopted, she will keep him at her house.

I've been told I'm too emotional, too sensitive. I've been told I just don't "understand" rescue. This is a moral question/issue for me. Like the folks who are anti-choice (which I am not, incidentally), I have very strong feelings about killing an animal for any reason other than extreme and irreparable physical suffering. It amounts to murder to me, and the fact that they cannot give consent to their killing makes it worse, in my view.

I need to leave this rescue. It's been such a huge part of my life (and both of my cats are from this one), though, I'm desperately worried about the hole it will make in my life. I think that's coming from the fact that my life is full of holes right now, to the point where I almost don't exist. I am alone, isolated, have no friends and little contact with my family. I finally realized traditional therapy doesn't work for me because I just don't fit in or belong in this world.

I need to leave. I really want to just make a clean break--stop everything now. How can I do that and feel ok about losing that community (the second I will have left this year)?

 

[arfie]

empathy, raven. i have done volunteer animal rescue and it is not a justy proposition. high moral grounds suffer considerable erosion in the constant struggle. i find myself wondering if you should shift focus to another corner of the struggle rather than abandon the community, altogether. it is a mighty fine community with many jobs to be done. i believe i found more healing mojo in those circles than i have yet to find in high dollar therapy sessions.

I finally realized traditional therapy doesn't work for me because I just don't fit in or belong in this world.

i used to think this. it was my rescued animals, both the successful and failed attempts, who helped in the reframing.

off-topic?
i have since taken up chicken-keeping. chickens are not long-lived animals and old age is not kind to chickens. in addition, too many roosters will cause the hens to quit laying eggs. fertilization is not a team sport, fellas. culling the flock is a necessary part of chicken-keeping and home-grown meat is good eating. i have been chicken keeping for over a decade and i am still squirming like a dog mama at the thought of killing my feather babies. it almost soothes my civilized beast to call ^it^, "harvesting the flock." sigh. . . is changing the name for ^it^ is ever all that helpful?

 

[whiteraven]

i find myself wondering if you should shift focus to another corner of the struggle rather than abandon the community, altogether. it is a mighty fine community with many jobs to be done.

I thought about that. One thing I forgot to mention in my post was that I firmly believe that if we work for or support an organization, we condone its actions and mindset. It's sticky, I know, but I have believed that since I was very young. If you see something bad, you are as guilty as the perpetrator unless you expose it. Yes, it could be from trauma, but I know many people who did not suffer trauma who believe the same.

So, one of the things I'm considering is a complete break from the rescue and a strong focus on a course I'm taking that uses mindfulness (among other things) as a foundation for being with, caring for, and training animals. I also am considering a new focus on my writing, some of which includes animal-related projects. I have my girls, and I have a business that includes the energy work I do, so I'm thinking it might be enough to get me through.

i have been chicken keeping for over a decade and i am still squirming like a dog mama at the thought of killing my feather babies. it almost soothes my civilized beast to call ^it^, "harvesting the flock." sigh. . . is changing the name for ^it^ is ever all that helpful?

Maybe you need to listen to those thoughts? I think calling an animal "it" is simply an easy way for us to rationalize killing. For me, it's wrong in all circumstances. Incidentally, I'm also working on a workshop about animals and language--how the words we use directly impacts how we treat them.

 

[Rose White]

a strong focus on a course I'm taking that uses mindfulness (among other things) as a foundation for being with, caring for, and training animals. I also am considering a new focus on my writing, some of which includes animal-related projects.

This sounds really good. And to me it sounds like you were aligned with them when you thought they were no-kill and the fact they weren’t was a surprise to you so it makes sense that you would leave when you found out their intentions don’t align with yours.

I get this way too. And the sensitivity thing. I can turn it off when needed, which does hurt me but having it on all the time makes me feel crazy. Like walking past the fish tanks in the pet store and hundreds of little eyes terrified or numbed out, their little souls asking for help.

I also get this for plants. When people just blatantly slash or blade plants in my environment without any sensitivity I feel hurt for a long time when I pass by the mutilated or missing individual plant beings.

One way I turn it off is by imagining the entire universe as a single life form and me just a cell in a soup of polarities and gradients. Another way is thinking of the animals and plants as higher beings who are not affected by suffering and death in the same way as humans, and they are choosing their paths as a way to help humans develop empathy and compassion when we notice what we are doing. So when the plant and animal beings are suffering or passed I send them so much gratitude for opening the hearts of those willing to witness. Those are just some of my thoughts on coping.

I don’t know if someone with as much of a compassionate heart as yours could work with the endless stream of abused animals in general and especially if they didn’t have an organization aligned with their beliefs.

Oddly, it's also leading to something better--I think--so it's kind of an accomplishment.

Proud of you!

 

[arfie]

I firmly believe that if we work for or support an organization, we condone its actions and mindset.

the interpretation of this that i carried away from my life as a child prostitute made me fearful of joining any human collective. ever. all humans are flawed and the bigger the collective, the greater risk of passively condoning an affront to my high moral ground. i still choke a bit when called a citizen of the country in which i was born. i don't condone much of what my government does, far less my fellow citizens.

I think calling an animal "it" is simply an easy way for us to rationalize killing.

agreed. the ^it^ to which i refer is the complex issues of animal care and rescue. ^it^ is not a justy affair, not even for vegetarians.

 

[Friday]

One thing I forgot to mention in my post was that I firmly believe that if we work for or support an organization, we condone its actions and mindset. It's sticky,

I agree.

You work for a kill-shelter, or you don’t.

Working for a kill-shelter? You can save lives, but ALSO have to recognise that you won’t save everyone.

Working for a no-kill shelter, you save no one.

Both speak to the same spark in your soul. Choosing where you belong? Able to lose those you love, or to fight for those no one else will? A facet of personality. Both dark & painful. In very different ways.

 

[whiteraven]

Working for a no-kill shelter, you save no one.

Wow...not true at all. BS, actually.

Many no-kill shelters pull from kill shelters, directly off the euthanasia list. The one in our city only pulls from that list. That's where they get all of their animals.

 

[Friday]

Wow...not true at all. BS, actually.

Many no-kill shelters pull from kill shelters, directly off the euthanasia list. The one in our city only pulls from that list. That's where they get all of their animals.

All of them do, to my understanding.

Working at a kill-shelter you keep people off their kill lists, but also? Love those they kill. It’s a hard balance. Those you save, and those you don’t.

 

[Sideways]

I worked for a shelter for a while. It had a policy that (basically) it wouldn’t put down a dog that could be treated (whether medically or behaviourally).

There were a couple of calls that I strongly disagreed with. I made it known.

But that didn’t stop me working there. Because the overwhelming majority of cases they didn’t euthanise, and of those they did, it was very clearly the only humane option. Which is a helluva lot better than the alternative shelters.

Agree with the sentiment that you can’t save them all. You can’t. Whether you continue working there? Has to be a personal call.

Fwiw? Doing your best, in the circumstances available to you, means something. And in my mind, is better than doing nothing at all. But not being able to stomach working for this particular shelter is okay. And is up to you.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Most people suck, thus my love and respect for all other animals. I could never work for a place that routinely puts animals down because they are simply too much work.

 

[whiteraven]

Because the overwhelming majority of cases they didn’t euthanise, and of those they did, it was very clearly the only humane option.

In all of the situations where an animal was subject to behavioral euthanasia that I am aware of, it was grossly inhumane. One person decided, and it was because they were stuck in that loop of "how things are done" or "how things must be done." The one that created my need to leave had been in foster care less than a week, with someone who was gone all day, had worked with me once (and had full, beautiful energy), and saw a trainer the next day who basically said, nope...not adoptable. He wasn't even given a chance.

I liken my unwillingness to be a part of this to the unwillingness I would have to working for a system that uses the death penalty for people. To me, killing an animal for behavioral issues is no different from killing a child for the same. It's criminal, in my eyes.

Anyway, I'm still finding my way. I'm 63--will be 64 soon--and it feels far too late. I know that feeling is all caught up in what I didn't do growing up and in the fact that I have lost nearly 50 people in my life, most way too young. Death is a preoccupation for me. That said, I think if I could find a group that is actively working to change the law and mindset re: killing animals, it might be the place for me.

In the meantime, I'm staying busy with other stuff, and keeping my kitties company. I'm "wintering," and I'm hoping to come out in the spring with a strengthened heart.