Hi Everyone,
Well it’s 2am and I’m sitting here typing away on the computer so it’s safe to say that this curse has managed to get the better of me at the moment. It’s hard to describe exactly what I’m currently feeling as there are so many different emotions swirling around, but for the sake of my sanity, and with the potential for some good advice, I’ll try.
The basic background is that my husband left me without warning about 5 weeks ago because he said that he just couldn’t cope with me anymore, and he has basically refused to communicate with me since other than a few e-mails. My withdrawals, lack of emotional intimacy, trust issues, and being constantly on guard was just too much for him to deal with. I knew we had some issues (I thought they were minor), but had no idea that he felt that much despair over things. The reason I thought they were minor was because that was all he had communicated to me, and that is how I felt about the issues, but I guess I missed something. I decided to go to counseling to try and fill in the blanks and understand what was going on, and after a few minutes I was diagnosed with PTSD. My husband has been coming to counseling, so we do communicate for the hour we are there too. The counseling itself is a combination of couples counseling and counseling for everything else (my PTSD, and whatever else the counselor thinks is going on).
The confusion / frustration (and every other imaginable emotion) I am currently struggling to deal with is based on the fact that my husband recognizes that I have PTSD, and he knows and understands all the tell-tale symptoms that go with it, but he cannot, or will not, link the two together. He refuses to rationalize that there is any potential that the PTSD contributed in any way to my actions or behaviors. I feel that I am in a state of limbo at the moment because my husband says he has still not made any progress (after 5 weeks) on deciding whether or not he wants to work on our marriage. These are his concerns / confusions (in his words):
- He is confused whether it’s too late to work on our relationship or care about me because of my past behaviors (withdrawal, lack of emotional intimacy, trust issues, being tense and on-guard), or if it’s worth a try because he doesn’t have much to lose, but he’s not sure I’m worth the effort.
- He is confused whether he’ll see a change in my behaviors, and if that change will be real (he thinks I can fake being better), and doesn’t know why he should invest his emotions and get his hopes up, when I’m likely to disappointment him.
- He doesn’t doubt I love him, but he’s not sure whether I’m not too damaged for him to love me.
- He wants a guarantee that I can be fixed and cured, but because that is not possible, he’s not sure he wants to be involved with me, or with helping me work through this disease.
- He is not sure he wants to deal with being with me, as that’s likely to make him have to change himself to help me and he doesn’t want to do that, nor does he think he should have to change at all as he’s not the one who is broken.
I really have no idea what I am expected to do in this situation. I am working hard at counseling, and making a huge effort to go into this with 100% honesty, but I have no idea what is expected of me. How am I meant to rely on and trust that he will come around and be there to support me when this all gets too much for me to deal with on my own? No one else really knows what is going on with me (I really don’t trust easily), so I am doing this 100% on my own at the moment, but I see that I am starting to struggle more and more each day, and I don’t know what to do about it. I am fighting off my comfort and protective tendencies of withdrawal, as I know to try and beat this disease I have to be open and honest, but how much longer I can keep doing so is a huge worry.
On top of all this, my husband is making me feel even worse about myself as he is blaming everything on me – it is my fault that he left, he didn’t do anything wrong in the marriage, he did nothing to contribute to my feelings of low self-esteem or frustration, and everything I feel is just in my head etc. What he doesn’t realize, or can’t hear, is that these sort of comments are having a huge negative impact on me – I feel even more worthless than usual, and I have even begun doubting myself and wondering whether I really am that screwed up that I could have this complete fantasy world in my head. The doubting goes away after a few hours of internal debate, and I realize that I have not imagined everything, but it is very hurtful and draining,
Finally, I feel that therapy is not really helping as much as it could because everything seems to be very hypothetical at the moment. All of the potential solutions and tools are based on my husband being there to support me and work through this with me. Obviously that is not currently the case which is fine, but I am struggling to see the point in wasting time and effort discussing these things when they may become null and void if my husband decides I’m not worth the effort. I still want to work on this marriage, but I am not the one who can make that decision. I am getting to the stage where I’m not sure how much longer I can just wait for him to make a decision one way or the other.
I guess the problem is that until my husband makes a decision one way or the other, I am stuck just floating in the breeze, but yet at the same time I am expected to be working on beating this disease and showing progress somehow. Until I show progress my husband is unlikely to see the potential in helping me, but at the same time, he is not going to believe the progress is genuine as he believes I can fake progress, and to add yet another layer, how is my husband even going to see progress when he still basically refuses to see me or talk to me outside of counseling? I just don’t know what I am meant to do and I feel my progress is starting to be hindered based on the lack of support, but even more so the lack of communication.
This is super frustrating and confusing for me so any advice or comments are much appreciated.
Well it’s 2am and I’m sitting here typing away on the computer so it’s safe to say that this curse has managed to get the better of me at the moment. It’s hard to describe exactly what I’m currently feeling as there are so many different emotions swirling around, but for the sake of my sanity, and with the potential for some good advice, I’ll try.
The basic background is that my husband left me without warning about 5 weeks ago because he said that he just couldn’t cope with me anymore, and he has basically refused to communicate with me since other than a few e-mails. My withdrawals, lack of emotional intimacy, trust issues, and being constantly on guard was just too much for him to deal with. I knew we had some issues (I thought they were minor), but had no idea that he felt that much despair over things. The reason I thought they were minor was because that was all he had communicated to me, and that is how I felt about the issues, but I guess I missed something. I decided to go to counseling to try and fill in the blanks and understand what was going on, and after a few minutes I was diagnosed with PTSD. My husband has been coming to counseling, so we do communicate for the hour we are there too. The counseling itself is a combination of couples counseling and counseling for everything else (my PTSD, and whatever else the counselor thinks is going on).
The confusion / frustration (and every other imaginable emotion) I am currently struggling to deal with is based on the fact that my husband recognizes that I have PTSD, and he knows and understands all the tell-tale symptoms that go with it, but he cannot, or will not, link the two together. He refuses to rationalize that there is any potential that the PTSD contributed in any way to my actions or behaviors. I feel that I am in a state of limbo at the moment because my husband says he has still not made any progress (after 5 weeks) on deciding whether or not he wants to work on our marriage. These are his concerns / confusions (in his words):
- He is confused whether it’s too late to work on our relationship or care about me because of my past behaviors (withdrawal, lack of emotional intimacy, trust issues, being tense and on-guard), or if it’s worth a try because he doesn’t have much to lose, but he’s not sure I’m worth the effort.
- He is confused whether he’ll see a change in my behaviors, and if that change will be real (he thinks I can fake being better), and doesn’t know why he should invest his emotions and get his hopes up, when I’m likely to disappointment him.
- He doesn’t doubt I love him, but he’s not sure whether I’m not too damaged for him to love me.
- He wants a guarantee that I can be fixed and cured, but because that is not possible, he’s not sure he wants to be involved with me, or with helping me work through this disease.
- He is not sure he wants to deal with being with me, as that’s likely to make him have to change himself to help me and he doesn’t want to do that, nor does he think he should have to change at all as he’s not the one who is broken.
I really have no idea what I am expected to do in this situation. I am working hard at counseling, and making a huge effort to go into this with 100% honesty, but I have no idea what is expected of me. How am I meant to rely on and trust that he will come around and be there to support me when this all gets too much for me to deal with on my own? No one else really knows what is going on with me (I really don’t trust easily), so I am doing this 100% on my own at the moment, but I see that I am starting to struggle more and more each day, and I don’t know what to do about it. I am fighting off my comfort and protective tendencies of withdrawal, as I know to try and beat this disease I have to be open and honest, but how much longer I can keep doing so is a huge worry.
On top of all this, my husband is making me feel even worse about myself as he is blaming everything on me – it is my fault that he left, he didn’t do anything wrong in the marriage, he did nothing to contribute to my feelings of low self-esteem or frustration, and everything I feel is just in my head etc. What he doesn’t realize, or can’t hear, is that these sort of comments are having a huge negative impact on me – I feel even more worthless than usual, and I have even begun doubting myself and wondering whether I really am that screwed up that I could have this complete fantasy world in my head. The doubting goes away after a few hours of internal debate, and I realize that I have not imagined everything, but it is very hurtful and draining,
Finally, I feel that therapy is not really helping as much as it could because everything seems to be very hypothetical at the moment. All of the potential solutions and tools are based on my husband being there to support me and work through this with me. Obviously that is not currently the case which is fine, but I am struggling to see the point in wasting time and effort discussing these things when they may become null and void if my husband decides I’m not worth the effort. I still want to work on this marriage, but I am not the one who can make that decision. I am getting to the stage where I’m not sure how much longer I can just wait for him to make a decision one way or the other.
I guess the problem is that until my husband makes a decision one way or the other, I am stuck just floating in the breeze, but yet at the same time I am expected to be working on beating this disease and showing progress somehow. Until I show progress my husband is unlikely to see the potential in helping me, but at the same time, he is not going to believe the progress is genuine as he believes I can fake progress, and to add yet another layer, how is my husband even going to see progress when he still basically refuses to see me or talk to me outside of counseling? I just don’t know what I am meant to do and I feel my progress is starting to be hindered based on the lack of support, but even more so the lack of communication.
This is super frustrating and confusing for me so any advice or comments are much appreciated.
