Advice To Help My New Man, Undiagnosed Combat Ptsd

[Jan-pattern]

I've started seeing A - he's over a decade younger than me, but is aged by experience - trained as Regular, failed Physical, got into a PMC training in Africa, came home a wreck, drink, drugs, suicide attempts, etc. The classic Combat PTSD stuff.
He recognised how the spiral was going and by incredible strength hauled himself up and clear, got his own place now, and got his life back. It's maybe a pretty quiet and limited life by most early-20s' standards, but it suits him. I'm incredibly proud of him, and respect the extraordinary strength it must have taken.

I have PTSD from time as a civilian working with international forces in a civil conflict situation. I eventually got on top of mine, but it left me a little solitary, wary and sometimes moody. Mainly it's okay, but I do feel a vast gulf between me who has seen what I've seen and been up to my knees in what I've been up to my knees in, and the rest of humanity who may have read it in the papers but have no idea of the smell, sounds, sights, etc.
I'm not typical for my age group, and live a similarly quiet life.

My question for those on this forum is, how do I best help A? We are extraordinarily open with each other, and both of us are unfamiliar with feeling like this - not the whole dizzy infatuation "it's perfect! he's perfect! this is true luuurve!" thing, but just a very strong calm serenity when we're together.

It's a very new relationship and we deliberately took a few weeks after initially hooking up to think and email and discuss it, but on Tuesday I stayed at his and we decided to make a go of it. Since he saw me off yesterday I've had no replies to two texts and one call. I'm assuming he has done what I sometimes need to do: just gone into Comms Shutdown, but we haven't had time yet to talk about expectations and rules re Comms, so I'm guessing. I know he's out of range for comms from saturday for a week so will leave it today and if there's still radio silnce on Friday evening, I'll just text to say i guess he's in Comms Shutdown and that I will be thinking of him and to let me know when he's back in orbit.
Is that the right kind of approach?

I'm flying blind here. I know that it helps my PTSD to know he has related experiences, but mine aren't his experiences, and mine aren't his problems. He's a guy, for a start, plus a younger guy - I'm a woman with an ability to at least try to put stuff into words to close friends.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to give this the best chance of working. I think maybe it's the PTSD that gives us the feeling of being at peace when we're together, not having to explain, not feeling so totally isolated - but I also know I don't want to mess him up further by not giving him space, or alternatively by being too distant so he thinks i don't care!

Many thanks

Take care

jan

 

[Jan-pattern]

Just thought it might help if i add:

I don't know, but i'm guessing his PTSD may be further complicated by feeling he ought not to have it... some things he's said make me think maybe he feels he hasn't "earnt" the "right" to have combat-PTSD - he was still in training at the time the multiple incidents happened (PMC training in Africa) and did not pass the training as a result of the traumatising. It was meant to "dehumanize" him (that was the PMC's own term) and as he jokes, it left him dehumanised all right... :-/

He does a fair bit of voluntary work with an ex-military charity helping guys with combat-ptsd from years of service and I just get a strong impression he feels they have the right to feel this but he doesn't because he never served as such.

Just thought that might be useful if anyone has advice to give!

Jan

 

[willis williams]

This is a hard one. You seem to have a very level head. Going into a shut down after a intamet weekend with a woman I don't understand that usually destracts me from my PTSD especially if there are no instances of turmoil. If he doesn't think himself worthy of PTSD he may not think himself worthy of you since you suffer from PTSD that you claim and have no denial. You are on the right trac with letting him breath. Was his PTSD from combat or training that makes a big differance in the way people can give sugestions. I have no idea what PMC training is all military training demoralizes you so they can build you back to the fighting mechine they want. This is so you won't hesitate in war and cost lives or euipment. Dehumanizing I personally don't think works unless they are training sociopaths it generally comes back to haunt you later. He may also think about getting some of the help he is giving to others. If you guys are really comfortable and comm with each other than wate it out and lay down those guidelines so you know for later. Good luck. TEX

 

[Jan-pattern]

Thanks, Tex! Yes, it was from training, not combat - he was always going to be in the military, everything directed that way and then, I think he thinks, he "couldn't do it"... which must be really tough.After not getting into the Regulars (his two close mates did, they have now died in Afghan, so maybe some survivor-guilt there too), he went for PMC, what I worked with as "mercs", and all he's really said was that at some stage in the training they put him alone into an African tribal conflict to observe and "get used to" seeing people hacked about with machetes. One of those things that is done in the Congo or Sudan because you wouldn't bloody get away with doing it in most of the rest of the world... anyway, it finished him, sent home, years of drink, drugs, depression.

I'm so incredibly proud of him. I mean, I know what I went through with my very small experiences and to haul yourself up and out by yourself is amazing. I hope he'll maybe find it easier to ask for or accept help if I'm with him. He's built his new life but it's a very cautious one that he can predict and be in charge of.

I got a bit of comms last night, which I'm really pleased about - from what he's said previously, this is the first time he's "allowed" himself to feel anything except physical feelings for some years, so I guess maybe a kind of recoil from that is natural, perhaps? A standing 'joke' from an ex-gf is that he is dead inside and is not capable of feeling emotions, my, what lovely young lady she must have been ohoho... anyway, he has feelings and can say some of them out loud, but I guess the first time you turn the faucet it takes effort to wrench it past the rust and stuff.

I'm learning so much to help, from reading what people have posted. It's seriously giving me new angles to look at stuff.

Thankyou all.

Jan

 

[FMG]

We don't have normal emotions.

The most soul destroying thing to do is to tell someone that they are going to die. Not because someone hates them but because of something really stupid or something out of everyone's control.

I can do that day in and day out. Because I don't feel bad or sad when I do it. The first time I saw someone else do it they broke down in tears. So the first time I had to do it, I had to pretend to be really cut up about it. Every medical student has to do this at some point. They usually do it to remember the price of your failure and the important thing to remember in medicine (You can never win, you can never draw, you can only lose with style. Every single one of your patients will die. Its just a question of when.)

And my case was awful. Indian parents scare their children with the threat of a trip to the doctor to get an injection. This kid got bitten by a dog, and scared of the multiple injections he hid his bite. His parents brought him in with a low grade fever, pain, drooling and convulsions. He had rabies. There is no sensible cure at this state, only a horrendous death that cannot be prevented.

I told his parents and felt nothing. The nurse was crying and I didn't feel anything. The kid just didn't want to make his mum and dad worry. That got to me more than the fact he was dying, that he cared so much for someone else.

PTSD sufferers have weird broken emotions, either inappropriate for the occasion or just absent where they should be.

 

[Jan-pattern]

I could be wrong, FMG, but I think he is feeling some positive emotion. Maybe not much and maybe alongside bigger negative emotions, but there's something creaking on in there I think!

It's just... god, tact was never my strong suit, I just came up with the phrase "it's just such a minefield"... I'm reckoning you guys have the black humour to appreciate that...

But in the case of a medic, I can see that you probably can do your job better because you aren't inwardly distraught and shrieking at other people's pain, maybe? Perhaps it isn't necessary to have all the emotions all the time... not sure I've thought that one through!! but, well, this is a society that's very openly overtly emotion-based, isn't it?
I read a lot of journals and diaries of ordinary folk in the past, and some of the things they don't turn a hair at... or something awful happens and they write about it as something that's a bit irritating... so perhaps there's a kind of basic tool-kit that we do need, but actually perhaps not having the complete full range for modern Westernised society isn't a sign of being broken, just of not having the full range of bolt-on after-sales accessories?

I think I probably should go away and think more, those are off the top of my head...

I think I'd just be content to know A has a not-negative emotion he can feel. He's an excellent actor, but he's talked a tiny bit about how unfamiliar this stuff feels, I don't want to post up too much private detail obviously, but when we first got together not-a-lot went on except an awful lot of holding each other and talking and dozing and talking til dawn and both afterwards described it as a huge over-riding sense of serenity, calm certainty, peace. It's still there now.

He's away for a week now, out of Comms range completely. I embroidered a tiny bit of cloth with a traditional lovers' symbol from his part of the country and he texted at 6am to say bye and to say he had it with him, so I'm pretty touched by that, as it wasn't expected.

Jan

 

[FMG]

I am a terrible actor. I think its the smile. I have a bit of a weakness on one side of my face (dad accidentally hit me with a car door. I got out and smacked my head on a tree and then bent into the path of him closing the door. Left me with a lopsided smile.) it looks weird

Its not as cathartic as people think. The problem with being a medic with PTSD is you overanalyze everything and err on caution. Sometimes you need to make a leap of faith in medicine and you don't have that courage. And I would do anything to feel sad. We would give anything to feel emotions normally again.

I don't know about others but I will say this. Deep down I am incredibly scared of everything. Like terrified of the slightest thing. Maybe he is like that too but remember none of us are the same. Maybe it helps to think of us as scared children who don't know what to do.

 

[Jimmy1]

I have started a post called emotions in the Anger section.

 

[Charon]

Jan-
I don't have much experience with relationships but hopefully I can tell you something that may be of help as a man who lost one relationship (partly because of my PTSD and my girl's...total unwillingness to listen to me about anything related to combat or the mortuary work I did in Iraq or later doing search and recovery after a plane crash) , and I'm currently in a new relationship with a lovely gal that has been pretty understanding of all my anxiety, depression etc.

After the reaction I got from my prior girlfriend, I really didn't want to try and talk about things again, that that was just an area of my life that I could never share with someone.

My girl now is pretty understanding, but there are still many, many things I don't tell her and probably never will. It helps that her Dad was in Vietnam, but emotionally scarred from 'Nam she grew up with him not speaking about it at all, she only knew that things sucked there for him.

A big reason why I don't speak to her about some things, is that I don't want that in her head, you know? I mean, my God I saw things that make me shudder five years later, why would I ever want to tell the woman I love about them? I feel like I need to protect her from my issues and from my thoughts, so I just keep my mouth shut. I can't say for certain that that has anything to do with communication issues with your situation, but maybe it may give you a new perspective. Good luck to you and your fella.

 

[Jan-pattern]

Thanks, Charon. And the very very best of luck to you and your new girl!
Take care

Jan

 

[SpentRound]

i'm guessing his PTSD may be further complicated by feeling he ought not to have it... some things he's said make me think maybe he feels he hasn't "earnt" the "right" to have combat-PTSD

I know that feeling very well. That lends a big smack in the face to my issues. When I start to get my confidence back and get on top of things, guilt drags me down - this feeling that I didn't pay my dues. It probably comes a lot from the fact I know a lot of ppl around me that paid A LOT more - my dad was infantry in Nam, my best friend was infantry in Afghanistan and stepped on an IED. Some good friends of mine who were out there with me didn't come back, have serious injuries, or got hit multiple times. Me... I get hit once and walk away with a bad headache wearing sunglasses for few days! I got off easy. Even while I was out there, sometimes I wanted to get hit - like me getting hit would take the heat off someone else or something, like I could get hit in their place. I know what ppl here would say: "you were there so you did earn it" "you've delt with things most never dream of and have nothing to feel guilty about" and to some extent you're right, but it doesn't change this feeling. I always feel like I have to go back and finish the job and it kills me knowing I'll probably never get the chance.

For me unfortunately, there really isn't anything anyone can do for me except be patient, silently understanding and don't push. I don't acknowledge my problems in front of my family but you can only hide so much. I've had several nightmares around them and they know something's up. I've no doubt my dad dealt with PTSD after he came back from Nam and he's tried to start a few conversations but he pushes too much so I always shut down with him. About November this year while I was anticipating coming home for Christmas, I was planning on bringing it up to him. I was at a serious low and just desperate for somebody to talk to, but not long after I got home, he brought it up and I went into autopilot and shut down before I had a chance to think about it... guess I just have to be in the right mood. At the time, i was in a good mood and panicked at the thought of having to think about it cuz it'd spoil one of the few good moods I have.

Probably the best you could do is make sure he knows you're there for him and support him in sublte ways and be eager to shut your mouth and let him talk anytime he does start to open up - don't be real eager to offer advice. Most of the time I already know what I need to do and don't need advice; I just need to vent. No matter what he says, guard your reaction. DO NOT react like he's weird or even like you're surprised - even in subtle facial expressions; trust me he'll notice. He may feel embarassed after opening up. Treat what he says like it's normal without saying it. Saying it outright is the most obvious sign you're faking it and he might feel like you're patronizing him. But the biggest thing is be real with him. If you try too hard, he'll feel it and pull away. I need to feel comfortable and not pressured - like there's no consequences to what I say.