K. Been out of session going on 1.5 hours and as always, disappointed that I always disassociate and scared as hell that 1. Abandonment 2. I can't be fixed. I fight with myself/them to stop being paranoid and fight the urge we don't have to call for reassurance. The mind races like hell to recall all that might of been said by my T, before its forgotten.
But she asked a question today. "Have I ever given thought what I'd like to do with the parts?" Instantly, they all yelled (in head) She's(T) is giving up on us. But it continued so much that the me in there had to ask. Note: I can't tell you how many times I've asked the same question for 10 years. Yes, borderline at its finest. I found her question overwhelming and impossible. I'd say about 80% of the day is spent voluntary and more involuntary disassociated. I have big things going on like first holiday without a loved one or my child's sexual assault case continues, I hit a child with my car on Halloween, and for the one too many, I found inappropriate conversations happening thru text- multiple people, and desires to meet up. Please, I'm not looking for others to suggest the leaving part etc. That's in other threads.
My point. Sure, I've read others posts about integrating the "parts" but my mind is so chaotic right now. I told my T I want the disassociation to decrease and thats all I could come up with before the feelings of abandonment came back and anger. I don't have a f*ckin clue how to integrate etc. I'm now left questioning yet again fears of abandonment despite being told she doesn't give up on clients. But right here, right now, doesn't matter. And I'm heartbroken
But she asked a question today. "Have I ever given thought what I'd like to do with the parts?" Instantly, they all yelled (in head) She's(T) is giving up on us. But it continued so much that the me in there had to ask. Note: I can't tell you how many times I've asked the same question for 10 years. Yes, borderline at its finest. I found her question overwhelming and impossible. I'd say about 80% of the day is spent voluntary and more involuntary disassociated. I have big things going on like first holiday without a loved one or my child's sexual assault case continues, I hit a child with my car on Halloween, and for the one too many, I found inappropriate conversations happening thru text- multiple people, and desires to meet up. Please, I'm not looking for others to suggest the leaving part etc. That's in other threads.
My point. Sure, I've read others posts about integrating the "parts" but my mind is so chaotic right now. I told my T I want the disassociation to decrease and thats all I could come up with before the feelings of abandonment came back and anger. I don't have a f*ckin clue how to integrate etc. I'm now left questioning yet again fears of abandonment despite being told she doesn't give up on clients. But right here, right now, doesn't matter. And I'm heartbroken
