Am I Ever Gonna Have A Happy And Healthy Relationship?

[guitarlover]

I got a divorce last august, I was in an abusive relationship, physically and emotionally. Since then I met the Man of my dreams, I started dating him before my divorce was final.

During that period he was always there for me, consoling me, being very affectionate and respectful.

Recently the last month or 2 things have been going downhill. We are both diagnosed with PTSD. He keeps pushing away and I want more love and affection. Its making me feel so rejected when I ask if he is in the mood and he always says no. I have talked to him and told him how I feel and we always apologize to each other but nothing has changes long term.

I feel like I'm in a power struggle and thats what I have been trying to avoid since I was in an abusive relationship in the past. I am extremely sensitive and maybe thats annoying to my boyfriend. I feel stuck and dont know how to just be happy and content. Thats all I want is to just feel content, worry free, and not overly sensitive.

Can someone tell me if what I'm feeling is normal and what can I do to help my relationship anxiety. I've been goin to therapy since Dec which has helped but I'm still frustrated and anxious....

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[Meadowsweet]

I don't know about the abuse you have experienced. But for me, it wasn't just physical, but psychological as well.

Its sixteen years since I left that relationship, and perhaps because I didn't have help, I've repeated patterns and am still trying to deal with its effects.

I went straight into a relationship with a much older man to get out of the relationship. He's the father of my children and was dominant, but not abusive. We split up years ago. But in hindsight, I think it would have been better if immediately following the abuse, I had sought professional help and stayed single until I'd got over what went on.

I think in some respects its good that you are feeling very sensitive and getting help. That seems to me like the best thing to do.

But with regards to the boyfriend, I think sometimes you have to prioritise and put your recovery first. And if you feel a relationship is hindering your recovery, then for the sake of the rest of your lives its a small sacrifice to make in the short term.

But I think that comes down to your own understanding of yourself and whats best for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi
I agree with Meadowsweet , and what she had to say. If you aren't ok then nothing will be ok. My heart goes out to you. Wishing you the best. Take care of yourself.

 

[Red Feather]

I ask the same question myself. After my abusive marriage, I went straight to another codependant relationship. Afterwards, it took me 3 years of constantly being confronted with myself and my own problems, that finally helped me to decide to stay single. It was a hard decision, because everywhere I went there were couples, and my roommate and best friend would always bring her boyfriends home. But when I finally made the decision for me, then I started to heal. Now my PTSD has flared up big time, so that I know I am not ready for a relationship.

A lot of people gave me the same advice that Meadowsweet has. First focus on your own healing, because it is hard to give another person love, if you have problems loving yourself first. But also everyone is different, and some relationships can benefit from a struggle, because it can mean a lot of personal challenges and therefore a lot of growth. If that is what both of you are looking for, then you are sure to find a way.

 

[guitarlover]

Thank you for all of your kind words and advice. Since I have been on here last a switch flipped in my brain. I realized all the problems are stemming from my self esteem and insecurities. I can't depend on anyone to make me happy. It's not his responsibility. I bought a book called the everything self-esteem book. I am over halfway through and it has a lot of very valuable information. I also talked to my therapist and she said she is super proud of me. This entire week I have felt the most calm that I have for a long time. I also recently asked God to forgive me for pushing him out of my life for so many years and to give me the strength to change and be happy. :D