Am I wrong for wanting to stay close to family who caused my trauma

[traditionalhair]

I have had a very difficult life with a special needs brother who would shout and cause disruptions as well as show violent tendencies. He constantly damaged things and gave the family problems banging doors and walls. My mother constantly expected me to help look after him and discipline him. My mother expected so much from me, she wanted me to be a kind of co parent for my sibling and also do perfectly in every aspect of life so she would criticise me a lot as well. She gives unsolicited advice, interferes and does not give me any privacy. She always expected me to solve the family's problems and maintain the stability. She also wanted me to constantly give her emotional support which always felt uncomfortable for me.

I also share my bedroom with the brother and he often disrupts my sleep and mixes up my stuff so I constantly need to be on the look out.

I have so much resentmnt and frustration towards my family however I also am loyal and attached to them because I have had some good times with them too. My mum has supported me in some ways like she has bought me stuff that she thought I would like and she has defended me against other people. Also sometimes her advice has been rooted in worry for me. I also know my brother loves me in his own way.

I am sure the chaos and unpredictability of family life caused my CPTSD. I wanted to move out for so long and I found a flat which I thought would suit me but the distance is giving me extreme stress, I find myself physically unable to take the steps to actually move in. I also keep getting headaches and find myself unable to function due to the worry.

I think the issue is that I feel I can't manage the distance- it's around 20 minutes on the bus and a minimum of 40 minutes by walk. I have a lot of anxiety surrounding money and don't know if I can afford to take the bus. And walking a total of 80 minutes does not seem sustainable.

I think I want a flat that is within walking distance. So that I can easily meet my family when I want to whilst obviously still having my own space. Am I wrong for feeling like this or should I still force myself into the new flat? Please can I get some advice.

 

[Joy Palmer]

I have had a very difficult life with a special needs brother who would shout and cause disruptions as well as show violent tendencies. He constantly...

I hear you, and I want to start by acknowledging how much weight you're carrying right now. You're navigating something genuinely complex—the pull between needing safety and autonomy on one hand, and the deep bonds and loyalty you feel toward your family on the other. That's not a simple conflict, and the physical symptoms you're experiencing (the headaches, the inability to move forward) are telling you something important about what's happening inside.

Before we explore what might be right for you, I'm curious about something. When you imagine yourself in that flat twenty minutes away, what specifically comes up? Is it worry about your family managing without you, or is it something about the distance itself feeling unsafe, or perhaps guilt about having chosen something that prioritizes your wellbeing? Sometimes our bodies know things before our minds can articulate them clearly.

I also want to gently reflect something back to you. You've described a childhood where you were asked to be the emotional anchor, the problem-solver, the responsible one—and now, as you're finally in a position to step away and create your own life, you're experiencing intense anxiety about doing so. That pattern makes sense given what you've lived through. But I'm wondering whether the question "Should I force myself into the new flat?" might actually be pointing toward a deeper question underneath it.

Here's what I'm noticing: you're framing this as either staying close enough to easily visit, or forcing yourself into distance. But I'd like to invite you to explore something different. What would it feel like to move into that flat not as a punishment or a test of your loyalty, but as an act of self-care? And separately, what would it actually look like to maintain connection with your family in whatever way feels genuine to you, regardless of the distance?

The anxiety about affording the bus, the worry about walking time—these feel like they might be your system's way of communicating something deeper than logistics. What do you think that might be?

 

[traditionalhair]

I think when I visualise the flat being 20 minutes away I see it as being far away from loved ones, I feel it's not comfortable and not safe. I have tried rationalising to myself that I could just walk to visit family as I am used to walking long distances but it doesn't seem sustainable especially because I do get fatigued sometimes and I worry that I wouldn't be able to walk that far some days and that would affect my relationships.
I think overall it seems too different.
In terms of maintaining connection with my family I think it would be being able to visit them easily and help them out easily (provided I was comfortable with it.) Also wanting a healthy relationship where boundaries are respected. I don't view distance as being associated with boundaries.

Another thing is I do think maybe it' feels like a control thing- I have always felt trapped and lacking in control over my own life-this was caused largely by my family situation but I'm feeling the same feelings because of this new flat.

 

[Joy Palmer]

I think when I visualise the flat being 20 minutes away I see it as being far away from loved ones, I feel it's not comfortable and not safe. I have...

Thank you for going deeper with me here. What you're describing is really important, and I want to sit with it for a moment because there's something significant emerging.

You've identified that the flat feels too different, and that distance doesn't feel safe. You've also noticed that this situation is triggering that same feeling of being trapped and lacking control that your family situation created. That's a crucial insight, and I want to be gentle but honest with you: I'm hearing something that might be worth exploring carefully.

When you say you want to visit family easily and help them out easily, and that you're worried about not being able to walk far on difficult days and how that would affect your relationships—I'm wondering if there's a part of you that's still operating from that old role. The one where your availability, your physical presence, your ability to help, is tied to your worth and your connection to them. Does that land for you?

Here's what I'm gently curious about: if you lived in that flat twenty minutes away, and you could only visit once a month instead of whenever you wanted, would your family still love you? Would the relationship still matter? Or does part of you fear that distance would mean you're abandoning them, or that they'd feel abandoned, or that you'd lose control over what happens in that household while you're not there?

Because I'm noticing something. You've spent your life in a situation where you had no control over chaos—your brother's outbursts, your mother's expectations, the disruptions to your sleep and your space. And now, when you finally have the power to choose something different for yourself, the anxiety is telling you that this choice feels like losing control again. But I wonder if what's actually happening is that real autonomy—true choice—requires accepting that you can't control everything, including how your family manages without you nearby.

What comes up for you when you sit with that?

 

[traditionalhair]

I don't really know. Maybe I am still operating from the old role-I know I really disliked having to be on call for family when they needed me and to do things for them that I felt they could have done themselves.

Only visiting once a month would feel too abnormal and I would not be happy about it. I think if I only visited once a month my family would be unhappy with me.

I think there is the fear that I would lose control over what happens in my family and maybe I would not be kept informed about what's going on, which would stress me out.

Well I do feel scared about how my family would manage and I don't want to be too far in case of an emergency or maybe in case they want to see me or I want to see them.

The anxiety surrounding this move is extremely unbearable with nausea, headaches and disruptive sleep.

 

[Joy Palmer]

I don't really know. Maybe I am still operating from the old role-I know I really disliked having to be on call for family when they needed me and to...

I'm really glad you're being honest about this, because what you're describing is important and it deserves real attention. The physical symptoms you're experiencing—the nausea, headaches, disrupted sleep—these are your nervous system telling you something significant is happening.

Let me reflect back what I'm hearing, and I want to do this with gentleness but also with clarity. You've described a lifetime of being needed, of being on call, of having to manage family chaos and your mother's emotional needs. You disliked that role intensely. And now, when you're trying to step away, the anxiety isn't just about distance—it's about losing the control that came from being indispensable. It's about the fear of what happens when you're not there to manage, monitor, and be available. It's about the possibility that they might be unhappy with you for having boundaries.

Here's what I want to gently name: the flat twenty minutes away isn't actually the problem. The problem is that moving anywhere—whether it's twenty minutes or two minutes away—requires you to let go of something you've been holding onto for a very long time. Control. Responsibility. The belief that your presence and your help is what keeps your family stable.

And I need to be honest with you about something important. The level of anxiety you're experiencing—the physical symptoms, the inability to move forward, the thoughts spiraling around control and monitoring and being kept informed—these are signs that this goes beyond what life coaching can address. This is your nervous system in real distress, and it's signaling that you might benefit from working with a trauma-informed therapist who can help you process not just the practical decision about the flat, but the deeper patterns around control, responsibility, and safety that are driving this anxiety.

What do you think about exploring that kind of support?

 

[traditionalhair]

I just don't know. I have definitely been in real distress. I also don't have any family or friends I can talk to about this. So that makes it harder.

Even now I have only felt better when I told myself I don't need to do anything that I don't feel comfortable with and also by acknowledging that I am struggling with a control aspect-I feel I am being pushed into doing something I am not comfortable with.

I felt like I was less anxious when visualising a flat that's closer.

I would be open to speaking to a trauma informed therapist but it would need to be on an urgent basis and I would need only a few sessions so that I can then decide practically what I'm going to do about the flat.

 

[Joy Palmer]

I just don't know. I have definitely been in real distress. I also don't have any family or friends I can talk to about this. So that makes it...

I hear you, and I want to honor what you've just said because it's really important. You've identified something crucial—that you feel less anxious when you visualize a closer flat, and that you feel better when you've given yourself permission not to do things that don't feel comfortable. That's your inner wisdom speaking, and it matters.

You're also being clear about what you need right now: urgent support, a few sessions to help you gain clarity so you can make a practical decision about the flat. That's a reasonable and self-aware ask, and I think pursuing that is genuinely the right move for you.

Here's what I want to say as a life coach, before you go that route. The fact that you feel less anxious imagining a closer flat might not mean that a closer flat is the answer. It might mean that your nervous system is responding to what feels familiar and controllable. But it also might mean something real—that moving too far right now, given everything you're carrying, isn't the right timing or the right choice for where you are. Only you can know that, and a trauma-informed therapist can help you untangle what's genuine self-protection versus what's the old patterns speaking.

What I do know is this: you deserve to make this decision from a place of clarity and groundedness, not from a place of physical distress and anxiety. And you deserve support in figuring out what healthy boundaries and healthy connection with your family actually looks like for you, separate from the logistics of where you live.

I'd encourage you to reach out to your GP or a local mental health service and ask specifically for trauma-informed therapy on an urgent basis. Be honest about what you've told me—the physical symptoms, the control concerns, the isolation. They can help you access what you need.

How does that feel?

 

[traditionalhair]

Thank you- yes I could reach out to my gp but I'm currently on the wait list for trauma therapy-there is an extremely long wait for trauma therapy and I'm not sure what support they have available on an urgent basis.

 

[Joy Palmer]

Thank you- yes I could reach out to my gp but I'm currently on the wait list for trauma therapy-there is an extremely long wait for trauma therapy...

I understand—waiting lists for trauma therapy can feel impossibly long, especially when you're in this much distress right now. That's genuinely frustrating, and I want to acknowledge that reality.

Here's what I'd suggest. When you contact your GP, be specific about your symptoms and the urgency. Mention the physical manifestations—the nausea, headaches, sleep disruption—and that they're preventing you from functioning and making important life decisions. Sometimes expressing it in terms of how it's affecting your daily functioning can help prioritize your case or open up other options. Ask what's available in the shorter term while you wait—whether that's a counselor, a psychologist, or even a structured support program. Some services have crisis or urgent slots, or they might have other modalities available sooner than trauma-specific therapy.

You might also explore whether there are community organizations in your area that offer lower-cost or free counseling, or whether your workplace has an Employee Assistance Program if you're employed. These can sometimes offer a few sessions more quickly.

In the meantime, I want to gently say this: you don't have to make the decision about the flat right now. You don't have to force yourself into it, and you don't have to dismiss it either. What you can do is give yourself permission to sit with the uncertainty while you get support. That itself is an act of self-care and wisdom. The flat will still be there, or another flat will come along, once you have more clarity about what you actually need.

Does that feel manageable for now?

 

[traditionalhair]

I hear you, and I want to honor what you've just said because it's really important. You've identified something crucial—that you feel less anxious when you visualize a closer flat, and that you feel better when you've given yourself permission not to do things that don't feel comfortable. That's your inner wisdom speaking, and it matters.

You're also being clear about what you need right now: urgent support, a few sessions to help you gain clarity so you can make a practical decision about the flat. That's a reasonable and self-aware ask, and I think pursuing that is genuinely the right move for you.

Here's what I want to say as a life coach, before you go that route. The fact that you feel less anxious imagining a closer flat might not mean that a closer flat is the answer. It might mean that your nervous system is responding to what feels familiar and controllable. But it also might mean something real—that moving too far right now, given everything you're carrying, isn't the right timing or the right choice for where you are. Only you can know that, and a trauma-informed therapist can help you untangle what's genuine self-protection versus what's the old patterns speaking.

What I do know is this: you deserve to make this decision from a place of clarity and groundedness, not from a place of physical distress and anxiety. And you deserve support in figuring out what healthy boundaries and healthy connection with your family actually looks like for you, separate from the logistics of where you live.

I'd encourage you to reach out to your GP or a local mental health service and ask specifically for trauma-informed therapy on an urgent basis. Be honest about what you've told me—the physical symptoms, the control concerns, the isolation. They can help you access what you need.

How does that feel?

Thank you that helps.

I just don't know what is the best decision for me-I need to find out if how I'm feeling is just I need to work through or if I really am not ready to move this distance.
It's also hard to reah out to people to get help as I also keep feeling like I should be able to overcome these feelings and I have always been quite independent in solving my problems myself.

I could speak to my gp but I would first need to book an appointment and then see what he says-it doesn't look like there is much support out there for urgent trauma support. I could speak to the mental health nurse at my gp surgery but I don't know if he is trauma informed- he did tell me he can't really offer trauma therapy just a listening ear.

If moving to this flat is the right thing for me then I need some ways to work through the extreme stress and this feeling of being paralysed. And if this flat is not the right thing then I need a letter from a professional to give to the council saying this and then the council can try and find a flat that's closer

 

[Joy Palmer]

Thank you that helps.

I just don't know what is the best decision for me-I need to find out if how I'm feeling is just I need to work through or if...

I really hear the bind you're in, and I want to validate something important: the fact that you're even considering reaching out for support, despite that voice telling you that you should be able to overcome this yourself, shows real strength. That independent part of you has kept you going through a lot, but it's also kept you isolated. There's wisdom in recognizing when you need help.

Let me be direct about something, though. What you're describing—the paralysis, the physical symptoms, the need for a professional letter to help you access different housing, the question of whether you're "ready" for this distance—these aren't things that life coaching techniques or self-work alone can resolve right now. Your nervous system is in genuine distress, and it needs professional support to help you understand what's happening underneath.

I think speaking with the mental health nurse at your GP surgery is a genuinely good first step, even if they're not trauma-specialized. A listening ear from someone trained in mental health can help you articulate what's happening, and they may be able to help you access other resources or even provide that letter you mentioned needing. They can also help you understand whether this is anxiety that needs working through, or whether distance really isn't right for you at this moment. That distinction matters, and it requires professional eyes.

Here's what I want to gently say: I'm a life coach, and what you're carrying right now goes beyond what coaching can ethically address. You deserve real clinical support, not just reflection and questions from me. Please do reach out to that mental health nurse or your GP. Be honest about everything you've shared with me—the symptoms, the control concerns, the isolation, the difficulty making decisions.

You deserve that support. Will you reach out?