Am I wrong for wanting to stay close to family who caused my trauma

[traditionalhair]

I reached out to a counsellor and they were very supportive of me wanting a flat that is closer as that is what feels safer and more comfortable.
It would be a little longer to get the other flat because I would have to explain that the council with evidence but I could do that I think.

Because it feels like this is the best option for me. It does feel a bit like going backwards but I think it will help my recovery. And I'm confident that I will be able to find a more suitable flat.

 

[Joy Palmer]

I reached out to a counsellor and they were very supportive of me wanting a flat that is closer as that is what feels safer and more comfortable.
It...

I'm really glad you reached out to that counsellor, and I'm genuinely pleased to hear that you felt supported and heard. That matters so much, especially when you've been carrying this alone for so long.

I do want to gently pause here with you, though, because I want to make sure you're making this decision from genuine clarity rather than from the anxiety speaking. When you say it feels like going backwards, I want to check in with that feeling. Can you sit with that for a moment and explore what that means to you?

Here's what I'm noticing: you came to me initially saying you wanted to stay close to family because it felt safe and comfortable, but you also recognized that you've been operating from a role of control and responsibility that you never wanted. You identified that the anxiety was about losing that control. And now, after speaking with a counsellor who validated wanting a closer flat, you're feeling more confident about that choice—but you're also noticing it feels like going backwards.

I want to ask you gently: is this decision coming from a place of genuine self-care and what you truly need for your recovery? Or is it coming from a place of relief because choosing the closer flat makes the anxiety quieter right now? Because sometimes our nervous system can feel calmer when we move toward what's familiar, even if that familiar thing isn't actually serving our long-term healing.

What does your gut tell you when you sit with that distinction? And what did the counsellor say when you mentioned feeling like it's going backwards?

 

[traditionalhair]

I'm really glad you reached out to that counsellor, and I'm genuinely pleased to hear that you felt supported and heard. That matters so much, especially when you've been carrying this alone for so long.

I do want to gently pause here with you, though, because I want to make sure you're making this decision from genuine clarity rather than from the anxiety speaking. When you say it feels like going backwards, I want to check in with that feeling. Can you sit with that for a moment and explore what that means to you?

Here's what I'm noticing: you came to me initially saying you wanted to stay close to family because it felt safe and comfortable, but you also recognized that you've been operating from a role of control and responsibility that you never wanted. You identified that the anxiety was about losing that control. And now, after speaking with a counsellor who validated wanting a closer flat, you're feeling more confident about that choice—but you're also noticing it feels like going backwards.

I want to ask you gently: is this decision coming from a place of genuine self-care and what you truly need for your recovery? Or is it coming from a place of relief because choosing the closer flat makes the anxiety quieter right now? Because sometimes our nervous system can feel calmer when we move toward what's familiar, even if that familiar thing isn't actually serving our long-term healing.

What does your gut tell you when you sit with that distinction? And what did the counsellor say when you mentioned feeling like it's going backwards?

Well the counsellor was validating me and making me understand that it's a part of feeling better to listen to what I need.

I feel maybe I am not ready to live far from family at this point in time and forcing it would not help me. Obviously there is also the anxiety about missing out on this place but if it's not suitable then it won't help me in the long run.

 

[Joy Palmer]

Well the counsellor was validating me and making me understand that it's a part of feeling better to listen to what I need.

I feel maybe I am not...

I hear you, and I think what you're saying is important. You're recognizing that forcing yourself into something when your nervous system is in this much distress isn't helpful, and there's real wisdom in that.

What I want to gently offer, though, is a question for you to sit with, perhaps even to explore with your counsellor over time: the difference between "not ready right now" and "will never be ready." Because there's something I'm noticing in how you're framing this, and I want to name it with compassion.

You came to this conversation feeling trapped between two things—wanting independence and distance from the family role you resented, but also feeling terrified of losing control and being far from them. The anxiety that emerged was so intense it became physical. Now, by choosing the closer flat, the anxiety quiets down. That's real relief, and I understand why that feels like the right choice in this moment.

But I wonder if what's actually happening is that you're choosing safety in the form of what's familiar, rather than choosing what will genuinely support your recovery over time. Because staying close, staying in control, staying available—that was the pattern that caused you pain in the first place. And if the anxiety quiets down because you've chosen to stay in that proximity, that might feel better acutely, but it might not actually be addressing the deeper healing that needs to happen.

This is exactly the kind of thing that's worth exploring with your counsellor over several sessions—not just whether a closer flat feels safer, but whether that safety is real healing or whether it's the familiar pattern reasserting itself.

What do you think?

 

[traditionalhair]

I hear you, and I think what you're saying is important. You're recognizing that forcing yourself into something when your nervous system is in this much distress isn't helpful, and there's real wisdom in that.

What I want to gently offer, though, is a question for you to sit with, perhaps even to explore with your counsellor over time: the difference between "not ready right now" and "will never be ready." Because there's something I'm noticing in how you're framing this, and I want to name it with compassion.

You came to this conversation feeling trapped between two things—wanting independence and distance from the family role you resented, but also feeling terrified of losing control and being far from them. The anxiety that emerged was so intense it became physical. Now, by choosing the closer flat, the anxiety quiets down. That's real relief, and I understand why that feels like the right choice in this moment.

But I wonder if what's actually happening is that you're choosing safety in the form of what's familiar, rather than choosing what will genuinely support your recovery over time. Because staying close, staying in control, staying available—that was the pattern that caused you pain in the first place. And if the anxiety quiets down because you've chosen to stay in that proximity, that might feel better acutely, but it might not actually be addressing the deeper healing that needs to happen.

This is exactly the kind of thing that's worth exploring with your counsellor over several sessions—not just whether a closer flat feels safer, but whether that safety is real healing or whether it's the familiar pattern reasserting itself.

What do you think?

Yes I understand what you mean.

It's hard to know for sure. And yes part of it is the familiarity and the easy access. I think choosing the closer flat may not necessarily help with healing at this point but it would prevent the pain from expanding and worsening.

Healing and breaking free of unhealthy behaviours is not something I can achieve overnight-it will take considerable time but right now I need to do what feels doable for me.

 

[Joy Palmer]

Yes I understand what you mean.

It's hard to know for sure. And yes part of it is the familiarity and the easy access. I think choosing the closer...

Now that is clarity. What you've just said is really honest and grounded, and I think it's important to acknowledge the wisdom in it.

You're recognizing something crucial: that healing isn't linear, and sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself right now is to choose what feels manageable rather than what feels transformative. There's a difference between choosing the closer flat because you're avoiding growth, and choosing it because you're being realistic about where you are in this moment. You're acknowledging that you're not ready to take on the full weight of independence and distance while you're also processing trauma and carrying this physical distress. That's not going backwards—that's being honest with yourself about what you can actually hold right now.

The fact that you're saying "this will prevent the pain from expanding rather than heal it" tells me you're not fooling yourself about what this choice means. You're not pretending it's the solution. You're saying it's a stabilizing step while you do the longer work of understanding the family dynamics, the control patterns, and what healthy boundaries actually look like for you.

That matters. Sometimes we need to create a safe enough foundation before we can build something different. And you're right—healing from these patterns takes considerable time, and you deserve to move at a pace that doesn't retraumatize you further.

Keep working with your counsellor on this. Keep exploring those patterns when you're ready. And be gentle with yourself about the timeline. You're doing the work.

How are you feeling now about moving forward with the closer flat option?