Analogy: Having C-ptsd & Trying To Socialize Feels Like...

[BloomInWinter]

The legacy of a shattered past is that, no matter how positive I try to be, my present experiences always have a deep dark stain upon them.

I realize that having C-PTSD means that every social gathering leaves me feeling like I've been invited to a large potluck, and my choices are to either show up with nothing (no happy tales, fun times, or family warmth to share) or show up with my dish filled with rotting putrid garbage (the truth of my life)....and good luck trying to be welcomed by normal people after putting either of those on the table!

For far too long, it's simply been better to just never go to the social gathering at all and not have to go through it.

It's not getting better, but now I can show up empty handed and a few will still be ok with sitting near me. I can either keep trying so I have some kinda life with my hubby and kids...for them...or give up. But the Mommy in me especially feels obligated to still try to show up even if it is humiliating.

What does it feel like for you?

 

[Lionheart]

What does it feel like for you?

I honestly can't relate well to people who have never been traumatized, I can't imagine what it must be like to have had a "normal" childhood. I feel like an outsider. I don't understand how others who have not been traumatized think and feel and quite honestly, a lot of the things they fret over are very trivial to me. I don't know what normal is, I only know what is normal for me and that makes me feel confused a lot. I suppose I am not much different from others who have C-PTSD.

 

[ronin47]

Having CPTSD and trying to socialize is like trying to play chess with a cat.

 

[scott_1971_h]

I feel like I am terminally different, exposed unsafe and confused. Because I am.
Scott

 

[Crl1983]

It feels like I am trying to embark on a perilous journey, with no compass and no map.
:speechless:<--- That's what I look like during social gatherings. :O_o:

 

[traumablackout]

It's like visiting from a foreign country or even a foreign planet and not being able to speak the local dialect.

 

[The Albatross]

Like I am under a mircoscope and the people I'm trying to be with are just watching me squirm like something smeared on a slide.

 

[liv now]

I always feel like I don't belong when at a social gathering. I am uncomfortable and struggle to maintain conversations with others for very long. I always thought there was something wrong with me as I just didn't seem to have anything in common with others and thought the topics of conversation were totally boring and trivial. I would rather chat to the children! I stopped socializing altogether. Nowadays I force myself to go to social gatherings as it is in my valued direction I.e. not isolating and giving myself the opportunity to connect with adults. I have made a deal with myself to make this easier. I only have to stay an hour. After that I am free to go. This seems to be working well. Even if I am feeling low I can just manage an hour. And even if I got absolutely nothing out of the experience, at least I can be proud that I made the effort to go.

 

[Crl1983]

"a lot of the things they fret over are very trivial to me"

"thought the topics of conversation were totally boring and trivial"

I agree with both of these statements completely.

 

[BloomInWinter]

That sense of being terminally defectively different isn't going away soon, I suspect.

But I am actively working on not judging myself harshly for being different, not having skills, etc.

Hoping someday I can just 'be me with me wherever I take me...and that is enough for me' instead of feeling like the invasive species of noxious weed in the botanical garden waited to be ripped out by the roots and thrown in the trash heap....again.

 

[Kintsugi]

It feels like being locked in a never-ending aquarium and having to socialize with the fish and knowing that you aren't a fish but also feeling like you should be a fish because all you see are fish and there's all this glass and their mouths are gaping at you wordlessly and you can't get through to the other side.

 

[Spero3]

Quite frankly, I suck at small talk...or at least I used to. I am so-so at it now. I am someone who likes deep discussions through which I can connect to someone. It doesn't always have to be serious, in fact I love to laugh, but I am not good at surface stuff. I often watch other people who are good at conversation and mimic them. They are usually good at asking questions, and I have learned to do that. I am slowly getting better. My problems come after I leave a social situation. I start questioning everything I did and said. When I first came out and joined a lesbian support group, I was absolutely tormented with anxiety after I left any of the meetings. I would rehash conversations in my head admonishing myself for things I said. After about 8 years of attending meetings and socializing, I am finally mostly comfortable. But, it is exhausting at times. I also feel like there is a darkness that is always present with me, that most other people do not have, that has forever shaped my views and attitudes. I don't often see things from the same perspective as others.

Spero