Relationship ... And Here's The Pull

[JT80]

Well, she unblocked me from social media one day a week shy from her push. I still did not contact her. 2 days after that, she contacted me with small talk. I told her I missed her and she retreated again and didn't contact me for another 2 days.

So far, we've had regular contact for the past 3 days. Conversation is very light and "non-romantic" as she's still testing the waters with me. She can tell I've stepped back considerably on an emotional level and that I'm waiting for her to discuss the issue, but she hasn't bought any of it up voluntarily. We're still in that "small-talk" stage I think. I think she's actually feeling terrible about all the nasty things she said to the point that she can't address it at the moment. But, at some point, we're going to have to. I can't slip back to how things were and ignore that anything happened.

But she's tip-toeing around and dropping subtle little hints to find out just how upset I am without just coming out with it and asking me. For one example, I was telling her about how my mother had annoyed me about something during the week and she said to me, "Uh oh, what happened? Did she tell you to tell me to go away and never contact you again?" Like she's checking to see whether she's welcome back. She also brought up a gift that I'd bought her and said, "I've still got it and if you don't believe me, I'll send you photos of it" regardless of me telling her I believed her. I can tell she's feeling really guilty about everything though, so that's one step I guess.

Anyway, that's where things are at the moment. I haven't received any apology or any discussion about what happened as of yet, but we are back in contact.

 

[joeylittle]

I was telling her about how my mother had annoyed me about something during the week and she said to me, "Uh oh, what happened? Did she tell you to tell me to go away and never contact you again?" Like she's checking to see whether she's welcome back.

I'm a sufferer, so take this with a grain of salt - but that kind of loaded communication is just such a bad habit, on her part. I wonder what would happen if you took it as an opportunity to say 'are you telling me you're afraid I will turn my back on you? It's really OK to just say what you mean.' But I have a really short fuse for roundabout communication.

You seem to have a solid sense of self, though, and that you've got a strong ability to maintain a kind of non-judgemental detatchment. So, sometime, it might be worth it to challenge her to communicate more directly (since you can likely stay calm and supportive while doing it).

 

[Glara]

I used to be able to stay calm and supportive but in time it got harder. I'm still supportive but I have feelings for him and at some point it becomes impossible to bury them. I'm at a point now where I don't know how to respond. I'm not answering his last text, at least not now. I don't know what to say anymore. I told him I'll always be there for him, and I meant it. I just don't have anyway to respond to "I'm not dead". Maybe someday he'll say something thats communicative, but for now he's saying something that seems to purposely prevent it.

Good luck. I hope things go better for you than for me.

 

[JT80]

Thank you, joeylittle :) I knew exactly what she intended with that little "did your mother tell you to tell me to leave you alone?" hint. I have a habit of not thinking of what to say until after the moment though, but I should have taken that opportunity. It's still early days though and I'm sure another moment will arise.

When she contacted me again after the "I miss you" moment, she said to me, "one thing I hate about not having you on my social media is not being able to see when you're online." So I told her she was free to re-add me if she chooses, but it has to be her decision. She said that she felt like an ass. I asked her why and she said, "deleting you and then adding you all the time" (we've gone through this push/pull thing a lot). I should've said something then too, but, again, didn't think until after we'd moved on in the conversation.

She has pushed me away a lot since we've been together, but never has she ever personally attacked me like she did. Her PTSD is no excuse for her being an ass. I knew we'd have no contact for a while and she'd pull me back in again when she was ready, but this time is different and she knows she really said some terribly nasty things. Either way, I'm still here and my feelings for her haven't changed, but I need to step back emotionally until we set some boundaries. She's pretty bad when it comes to communication. I don't even know how many times I've told her to just tell me if something is going on. But you're right. Boundaries and communication.

Glara, I'm so sorry to hear you're stuck with the uncertainty still. I'm the opposite to you... I used to stress and freak out and panic, but I'm so much more calmer and supportive now. It does frustrate me when I'm being pushed away and I do check my phone every 5 minutes, but I keep in the back of my head "She knows I'm here for her when she's ready". In saying that though, the longest push we've gone through is just this one past which lasted just over a week.

I believe he will return to you when he's ready. In a way, his "I'm not dead" text is letting you know he's still thinking of you... Even if it is kind of a closed text to send. I have no idea how or whether I'd be able to respond to it either. But either way, you are definitely still crossing his mind. Hang in there. :)

 

[scout86]

I just don't have anyway to respond to "I'm not dead".

If I had gotten that message from someone I WANTED to stay in touch with, I probably would have come back with "That's good news!" and left it at that. A response shows that you're still available and willing to talk. That you're glad he's alive is a fact, I imagine. If someone didn't reply to me, I'd assume they were mad and probably didn't want to hear from me again. @Glara, from what I know of your history with this guy, it really sounds like silence is the best response. He needs to get his act together before he's ready for a relationship and you deserve a relationship that meets your needs better than that one did.

@Mac80 , when I read the title of this, I thought "Oh no, here they go again, talking about this like it's a thing people do on purpose...." Sometimes that gets old, because,as far as I'm aware, it's more a reaction than a plan. Now that I've read you actual post, I see I was wrong. I can relate to your problems thinking of what to say in a timely fashion. It might not hurt to admit to that, to her. Wishing you both well!