Annoyed With The Kiddo Gloves

[Turtle]

Ok, this is mostly a rant, and I don't want to offend anyone, but at the same time I don't like when my carer second guesses me and it makes me feel like he's treating me like a child.

I know this is going to sound kinda weird but I'm getting really annoyed with my carer right now for being overly careful with me. I've had a rough week, but the last few nights have slowly been getting better. Yes, I've had to call him every night to help calm me down, but each night we spend less time on the phone, and I'm not as worked up when I call compared to the night before.

The part that gets to me is this really:

He asked me if I wanted to come down and visit (with a bribe of smores, which I love BTW :)) on Wednesday (this is after 2 bad nights in a row)

Last night I called and asked if it would be ok to postpone this weekend, he said yeah no problem, whatever I needed, if I changed my mind/things got better to just let him know. I did this bc we had a conversation earlier last week about me triggering, and while it wasn't the point of the conversation I came away from it with the feeling that I didn't want to have a "bad night" at his place again, and it would be best to avoid it, even though he reassures me multiple times that if being around helps me cope on a bad night then I am more than welcomed there. It just became something I decided to try and avoid if possible, and I had a feeling that I might not be able to completely avoid it this weekend, granted I have a feeling it won't be as bad as the past few nights (slowly pulling out of this rut right now, changes in schedule do this to me sometimes)

This afternoon I texted saying I changed my mind and I really would like to see him. I figured he's seen my really bad nights and he knows what they are like, I shouldn't be ashamed of them and if I had a bad night at least he was there to comfort me and if I didn't then I would have a good time with him.

Here's the part that makes me feel like I'm being treated like a child

He responded by saying no pressure, it was up to me and "why not just wait until tomorrow afternoon to decide?" The last part irked me a bit. We have open communication and he knows that I try my best to be honest about what I'm going through and what I think I can handle and can't handle. Him second guessing my ability to judge what I can handle hurts. I told him at the time that I had told him my decision, but if I changed my mind again I would be sure to let him know. I also told him that it irritated me. He just brushed it off and said 'whatever is best for you is fine, just let me know tomorrow'. I know he was trying to be caring but it just made me feel like I'm being brushed off with the tomorrow reference. Like I can't judge for myself what I can handle (which he knows I'm currently having issues with this same subject with my P) .

I'm just getting tired of the "no pressure to see me, what ever is best for you, decide later, you're in charge, nd double checking everything I make a decision about" stuff. I know he means well, but it just doesn't help me feel any better, especially when I've been working hard on coming out of this rut. It's really annoying having him second guessing me right as I'm starting to feel better. I guess that's another problem I have, it's really hard for me to let anger go, which is probably why this is still bugging me so much, but I haven't figured out a way to deal with that yet.

 

[seedling]

It sounds to me like he is trying to deal with his own feelings over having you change your mind as you work through your feelings and manage your PTSD. I imagine that it is hard for him to not know whether you will make it or not and he is trying (for his own sake) to not be too attached to having you come, in case you can't make it.

Has he ever told you what it's like for him and what he's thinking about not knowing if you will be there or not? He may be looking forward to seeing you and enjoying yourselves together, but doesn't want to make you feel guilty if you can't make it.

He might rather have you wait until the day comes and then see if you are able to make it. Would save him some of the roller coaster ride and also put less pressure on you (from his point of view).

I guess this sounds like something I would do to handle the situation - lol. Would it help you feel better if he talked to you and you found out it's something he's doing to try to cope with the situation?

Your communication with each other is wonderful. I think the issue with him may feel the same as with your P, but I think the situation and the person on the other side from you have some major differences. Your carer sounds much more supportive and open than your P, and knows you much better.

Hope you can have some fun tonight :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Turtle, This is hard to reply to.

You are so lucky to have someone who doesn't put pressure on you. Someone who wants what's best for you. Half of the time I want to shout I'm fine I can do this and the next minute I need the reassurance.

It must be really hard for him, maybe he really wants to see you and this is his way of not building up hopes of seeing you then having them dashed.

As seedling said you have great communication, keep it up, see how he feels.

I hope whatever you decided was best for you both.

Love
KP

 

[hopelives]

As a carer sometimes I react like that to my husband so that he doesn't put pressure on himself and also so that I am not constantly on edge for him to change his mind. It gets quiet exhausting when my husband says Ill do this and than he changes his mind at the last moment. to me it is best if he makes that choice at the time and that way for me I have had time to get use to it and go from there.

For me it is a coping mechanism. Maybe he feels the same.

Big Hugs.

 

[ISupportHer]

I will probably respond more after I think this over but I feel tremendous pressure over what to say or not say. What to do or not do. Admittedly, I have to take ownership for a lot of it. Yes, communication is key and many times I feel I just don't know how she feels.

I do hear your thoughts Turtle, and I try to not go overboard. I certainly don't want to treat my wife as a child and I really do appreciate the opportunity to hear what you feel.

Not sure what what your trauma was but there are a few books I keep bringing up on occasion. For carers of this who have a sexual abuse history. "Partners In Courage", I think was one and "Ghosts in the Bedroom" or something like that. I posted a long time ago about them but they can help a carer understand some of what a sufferer is going through as well as direct the carer to self-assessment. Perhaps a search here or just message me if you want me to get the info to you, if it is an appropriate match.

ISH

 

[Turtle]

Hello all,
Thank you everyone for you input, especially the carers, it's nice to see how the other half thinks sometimes. I would have posted earlier but my one night turned into 2 and we did have a very good time, minus a few speed bumps (who knew The Breakfast Club could be such a triggering movie?

but it was ok in the end

)

I'll respond the best that I can.

Seedling- We've discussed how he feels about not knowing if I'll be able to make plans (usually I am good about making them/knowing when it isn't a good idea to make a plan past that night). The way he seemed to put it was while he is sad he doesn't get to spend time with me, he's happy that I realize when I need help and how best to get it.

But on the flip side of that, if I'm having a bad night he would rather me have it with him were he knows what I'm going through and can help me (he was hit as a young child and can understand what I'm dealing with on a level that some of my other friends understand, but don't really 'get' all the time. ) <- I asked if it was ok to reveal that and he was ok with it. "If it helps them understand how we work and you can get something out of it then I'm ok with you telling them" isn't he the best?

Talking with him and realizing that he was torn with how to deal with things some time (dealing with me, my PTSD, and his reactions) and seeing the thought process helped a lot. After the movie problem it kinda naturally led into talking about PTSD stuff and we had a really good conversation about a few things that were cleared up (some of which is what caused me to have a fear almost of having a bad night there). We were even able to talk about my P and therapy and the second guessing issue which started all of this, and found a system that can work for us when things like this happen in the future. Once again, all in communication but we're learning how to work with each other.

KP- HUGS! I am very lucky to have such a great guy, after everything that has happened sometimes it can be hard to remember the good stuff (like how he remembers I love smores, but only the marshmallow and chocolate part!). I'm glad I decided to see him, even after being irked I didn't shut him out from feeling hurt, I managed to stay open and we worked through it. Now I just need to keep it up, thanks for your support!

Hopelives- Like you, he didn't want to put pressure on me, he sees how much I do that to myself and doesn't want to add to it. We discovered sometimes I can make plans in advance and stick with them, but sometimes too much is going on and I have no idea how to handle the next hour, much less if I can make lunch on Tuesday. Just being honest about which end of the spectrum I think I'm on seems to be best, that way I don't feel the pressure if I can't handle it and don't feel like I'm being 'handled' when I'm really ok.

ISH- feel free to respond more once you figure out what you want to say (I know for me it can be forever until I can put it all together). I think being wrapped up in my stuff and just trying to deal with that I couldn't see how torn he can be over some things. This was also part of a previous semi heated discussion we've had in the past. I found out he would steer conversations away from things he knew would put me in a bad mood. At first I was really mad about being 'guided' through my life, and it took awhile to realize he just wanted to keep me happy if I was already in a good mood. There's time to deal with the bad stuff, but when I bring it up and want to talk. There's no need to bring it up if it's only going to upset me or if for some reason that paticular time isn't the best to start dealing with it. PTSD seems to be the disorder of fine lines for me, and for us at least there's a problem over who should be in charge of which side of the fine line I should be on. (guiding conversations=me not in control, in my mind)

I'm kinda interested in seeing how others deal with the line between being helpful, and helping too much where it makes the sufferer worse off. And how to make the line clearer, without having to cross back and forth to find it the hard way.

Thanks everyone for all of the input it was really helpful to read (yes I could read posts on my phone while there, but couldn't really respond). It helped make my one questionable night turn into two pretty good nights and I was able to have a lot of fun and learn some more things.

 

[seedling]

What a great happy ending, Turtle. Some wonderful steps.

He sounds great. So nice that he can come close to understanding what it is like for you.

Take care and keep on going!