Anxiety And Dissociation

[FindingMyself88]

I feel like I am all over the place mentally. Easter was hard as all holidays are, Tuesday was very sad saying goodbye to my therapist of two years. Wednesday I made the effort to go to church. I was okay before leaving, but once I got on the road, i seemed to really zone out and I dissociated badly while at church. I could hardly talk to anyone and felt stupid, foggy, and unstable. Today I bounced back and forth from anxiety attacks and needing to do something to keep me busy to zoning out. Right now I feel like I am almost battling both at once, if it's possible?? I've been trying to read and/or watch TV to distract me but it hasn't worked. I am physically exhausted even though I haven't done anything really. I can't sleep though, I am too edgy.

I have a therapy session tomorrow afternoon with my therapist and I have no clue what to say to her. I worked on a project she gave me, but I couldn't finish it. My dad called the other day and we talked and it was….good, weird, okay, iffy? I make no sense even to myself! I just had to check my phone to see when he called… Monday, 3 days ago. It doesn't seem possible!

I don't even know the point of this post except that my mind is running a thousand miles an hour, only it feels like its trudging through deep mud in its route. Has anyone else felt this way? I didn't even know what to name this thread, I am so out of it… :(

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, I feel that way a lot. I will go back and forth between feeling numbed out and flooded. My therapist says it's common in PTSD when working through things.

If it helps at all, you don't sound out of it! This state and place you are in will pass in time - keep hanging on through it.

I find that distraction doesn't help me much either in this kind of place. It's like I can't sit still enough and yet I'm too spaced out at the same time and if anything, distraction makes to worse. Doing things that involve strong sensations like holding ice can sometimes help, but it's hard.

Whatever you talk to your therapist about, it's good just to even go and be there and let her in on how you are feeling. It will help her help you over time.

I hope things get better really soon and that it goes well with your therapist today!

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @Justmehere :hug: It helps to know someone understood that. I just got back from seeing my therapist and it helped some. She said the same thing, that it is common with PTSD. The anxiety already has my mind on high alert, then add trying to multifunction and stuff at the same time overwhelms my brain and its shuts down.

She gave me a rubbing rock to help with grounding and told me to keep a mantra going in my head that I am safe and to focus on the present. I see her again on Tuesday. We talked about boundaries mostly today and about EMDR. One reason I have been highly triggered this week is I saw a roach in apartment and I've been incredibly hyper vigilant ever since (I wrote in trauma diary why roaches trigger me). She said this would be one thing we would target in EMDR, but that it would be a while away still. She wants to work on grounding techniques and coping skills first plus take it really slow because I have what she says is "very complex trauma".

I really do like this therapist, she is incredibly understanding and sensitive to my mood. She noticed that I was very hyper vigilant because I would startle anytime she moved her hands quickly. She also remembered that this had been my last week with my old therapist and asked me how I was.

Thank you for your support :). I am going to try to relax and go to the park in a little bit.

 

[Justmehere]

She sounds like a great therapist! Way to go for hanging in there too - you have had some really significant things on your plate this week! I'm glad it went well.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Justmehere Thank you, she is! Thank you, it never seems like that much I guess because I was use to doing so much more before this year like working, going to school, etc. But I think we all kind of do that to ourselves :/

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

You sound exactly like what I'm going through right now. I can't think straight, I don't want to deal with people, I just want to hide from the world and I just, in general, have a cynical view of people's intentions, even if innocent. I ride on a bus and there are days I have to force myself to say "Hi" to everyone and put on a smiley face when all I want to do is run. I want to just get the heck out of Dodge and just go to be with friends who understand what I'm going through and to help me heal. In all honesty, I want to just disappear...