Anxiety Return-increase Xanax-fear Of Loosing It Again

[mamachick]

After an assault in 2008, I had anxiety thru the roof. I was already of prescription ibprofin and vicodin occasionally, small dose of xanax to sleep. Due to injuries, percocet and muslce relaxers were added. I didn’t want to get out of bed and over the weeks, I was confusing my pills, some looked alike (pain and mus relaxers). I was up to 4 mg xanax to fall asleep, then would awake with nightmares and take more in my sleep (unknowingly) and my daughter would find me on the floor with a spilled bottle of pills. She was getting very worried but I couldn’t get a grip. Downward spiral. Eventually, she could not get me awake, I couldn’t walk or sleep and semi awake was like slow motion. I ended in ER, ICU, and psych for 3 days. I didn’t attempt suicide but did not want to wake up ever. I wanted to evaporate.

Last month I was faced by my attacker. I had a panic attack. Since the nightmares have returned. I am not awaking and taking meds in my sleep, but I have gone from 1 25 mg, to 2, now to 3 to be tired enough to go to sleep. I feel myself loosing it. Feeling more depressed. I want to go to a 30 day treatment in patient for ptsd-desperately, but don’t know how, where, etc. If my insurance will cover it.

6 months after my overdose, I actually attempted suicide. I fear getting to that point again. Feeling very hopeless. Don’t know what to do.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad you recognize that you are misusing Rx meds to avoid your uncomfortable feelings that surfaced when you faced your attacker. Though confused, when you say you HAD a panic attack and went on to describe over medicating to be "tired enough" to go to sleep. You are describing a situation, facing your attacker and a panic attack --- that is a finite physical and emotional response. It sounds like you're "stuck" mental/emotionally and haven't come to terms with your feelings about what happened. Any way you can process it?

Xanax is habit forming and if you are misusing your med, the first step is to go back to your prescribing doctor and consider a medication change. Taking more pills isn't working. Nip this in the bud ASAP before you cross back over to substance abuse?

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back because a brain cell just fired off.

Could it be that you are confusing feelings of depression with the healthy fear (based on real experience) of substance abuse and where that went?

Sometimes it helps me to realize that what I am thinking or feeling is reality based, and that what I am feeling isn't really depression, but healthy fear. If I continue in my behavior, past experience tells me where it can go. I can attend to it and initiate change, or I can procrastinate or avoid it continuing to numb out and eventually get a consequence.

 

[mamachick]

Good question. I definately have fear of just loosing it. I did before and did not care about living and I do now, and do not want to go back, but dont feel fully in control of that even though I know I am more than anyone else.

Until I went back on xanax, I stayed up until daylight. I am afraid of medication, yet when I take xanax, fear dissapates. It could be fear of addiction/abuse, although I have a genuine fear of being in this city. Good news is that I met with attorney today and he feels the abuser can still be held accountable.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

HI, I hope your abuser can be held accountable. This will be an ordeal for you so I hope you take good care of yourself as you get ready for the days in court. Best wishes.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you gizmo and Albatross.
I realize I am on a slippery slope with medication and need to take a different path for my health and more responsibility. Thank you both

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope it works out for you. I wish you the best possible outcome for you. Big hugs.

 

[The Albatross]

Me too. Though I would likely try other stress reduction methods and try to exercise restraint on the Rx med, unless you are taking it as prescribed?

Hard, to be uncomfortible in your city and I understand what that's like. Any way to turn toward some writing and stratigies for desensitizing some of your stressors? I've expanded my little safety bubble slowly but surely... and with the exception of some occasional blips I'm more comfortable being out and about doing what I need to do. I took it on as a series of challenges... sort of normalizing the actions. Mostly for me this meant, going to and entering empty buildings at night alone and getting back safely... traveling in and out of town alone... that sort of thing. But it started really small ... my own back yard and my front porch or driveway.

Hope you get some ideas that can help you moving foward Brat (I still have a hard time calling you that...)