Any Recovering Scapegoats?

[Middle of Nowhere]

My husband and I are not doing to well. My friends and therapist say I am his scapegoat. I'm trying to understand. I believe that my husband is truly in denial about the scope of my ptsd. He complains constantly and has trouble with his anger. His father is 79 years old and has always lived with us. A few days ago he got mad at my 18 year old son for something stupid. My father in law walked up to my son and headbutted him. My reaction was different than ever before. I jumped up and got my husband. My husband blames my son. I called the police because I didn't want to leave my 12 year old daughter, the officers seemed to feel really bad for my poor husband. I am staying at a friends. I am unemployed and scared. 21years, and now I don't want to be around the sob, but leaving only adds to the financial crisis occurring.
Arrrrg!!

Any advise from other scapegoats?

 

[Queen Boudica]

I'm not sure I have much advice.

I think I'm in a similar situation to you. Married to my husband for 25 years and finally separated after years of control and abuse. I have not worked for 12 years.

All I can say is at least now I have kicked him out I have the freedom to become myself, whoever that is. And I would rather struggle financially without him. I did not really realise how bad it was until I kicked him out and had the freedom to think for myself.

It is not worth staying with someone just for the financial stability. Not if the price you pay is to lose yourself, your freedom.

That is all I can say. I am still struggling to work out how I am going to do it all. But I will get there and it will be better without him.

You can do it too Middle of Nowhere. If it is what you want. Be true to what you want.

 

[Zipperhead]

I can understand why the officer may have been perceived to associate with your husband. In allot of ways, he was stuck in the middle of the situation. Does he support his Son, or does he support his Dad? In my opinion he chose poorly, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a tough situation to be in to begin with.

I agree with Lizio, There is more to life than finacial stability. If your husband refuses to provide a safe environment for your kids, then you need to.

 

[Srain]

My whole life is "scapegoat"...what I choose from here on in is up to me.

I hear you on this subject. (((hugs)))

Rain

 

[ronin47]

I grew up in a family full of people who were carrying their own burdens around from long legacies of abuse and trauma. I was the youngest and smallest person in the family so everything ultimately got taken out on me. This was when I was a child, so I have been a scapegoat, majorly.

PTSD is NOT an excuse for assaulting a family member. You need to stay away from him, no matter how frustrating or embarrasing it may get, for the sake of your daughter. However afraid or overwhelmed you become, I promise you your daughter is feeling the same thing tenfold. That is the most important thing here.

The next thing you can do is find support in your community, domestic violence prevention centers, support groups, etc. Your husband assaulted your son, that's not okay by any stretch of the imagination. I don't think I need to tell you he could have seriously hurt your son, I have seen "headbutts" knock people unconsciouss. Is he in therapy? You should not consider resuming any type of a relationship with him unless he is getting help. No matter what, his problems are not your responsibility. You did not cause his trauma and your cannot make the decision for him to get help for his PTSD.

It is always easier said than done when it comes to a marriage, but you cannot love his mental illness away, it is just not possible. Do not try to fix the situation yourself, because you can't; period.

Feel free to PM me whenever you'd like to talk about anything you'd like.

 

[soulofLC]

Yes, I am the "problem" the scapegoat for everyone in my family of origin. To some degree, and varying from time to time, with my grown children as well.

Right now, things are good with my kids. But rest of family....I won't hold my breath.

 

[freefloat]

Baaaaa. Scapegoat in my family as well. I stay away from them. I realised this about them some 20 years ago. Mourned the loss and sometimes it still bites but for the most part Im done with it and at peace. I could never win the approval, tried and tried. They wouldn't partcicpte and why would they as im a POS to them. Baaaaa.

 

[soulofLC]

Sorry freefloat and all the scapegoats above. Sucks bigtime.

I just realized from your post that I am being scapegoated again in an incident with my condo association president. Sucks. I have to turn it back on him and realize that he is not a safe person for me. I will limit my exposure to him. No fixin it.

Glad I am not an owner, just a renter! I don't have to deal with all of the politics. (And repairs...tee hee)

 

[freefloat]

Sick people everywhere. Good to hear your spotting them. Look up narcissistic supply for fun, sometime. My scape goaters were all NPDs.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((SoulofLC))))))))))

It's good you are spotting this. I am getting better at seeing this type of behaviour but I have to stay mindful because I have had the personality that attracts this to me. I don't necessarily lie down for it but rather fuel the fires for it. I have had trouble knowing when to walk away and not partake in the "game".

Continue to take good care of yourself, you certainly deserve it.
Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[soulofLC]

Thank you Rain, I may attract it too through conditioned expectations. I could have been asking for his stamp of approval and acceptance without knowing it, but my intention was to alert him and get action on some security measures that several others agreed were needed. Sigh.

Thank you for the peace and healing. I will do something nice for myself today.