General Any Spouses of Soldiers Here?

[pastrychefarmywife]

My husband hasn't been diagnosed, but was told he has 'mild' PTSD, and refused to go to his next meeting, he cancelled it. He has mood swings worse than my PMS, and I can't trust him to watch our son, which is 5. I had to take a trip to the ER last night, and he told me that he was 'in and out' of it, while our son ran the waiting room for 3hrs. I love him to death, but what the H*ll is wrong with him. I talk nice to him, and i do anything for him. I know he went to war, I know its a horrible experience, and i can't do anything at home that would ever compare to it. I just want him to act 'normal', I know he will never be the same, but i want him to be comfortable around me and our son. I know its hard, this is his 3rd tour to iraq, and the second time he got hit with a IED, and the 3rd time he saw massive dead bodies. He routinely went on missions that he could get killed. I came and faced that fact and accepted that if it did happen, that he loved what he was doing.

now at home, i feel that he can't talk to me. He told me today, that the reason he doesn't go to bed when he is tired, is that he thinks that i am going to get mad at him later, 'trick ' him, and yell at him cause he doesn't spend enough time together. I know he is tired, and i tell him often to go to bed, hoping that maybe he will and that in the next week or two, he might spend some quality time with us.

am i doing something wrong? what can i do to help? is there anyone i can talk to that won't get him in trouble? please, i am going crazy from the emotional rollercoaster!!!

 

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum, lovely to have you. To answer your question, yes there are a few spouses of soldiers here, also spouses and other family members of veterans. I am from a military family myself. My husband and four of my sons have all served; one of my sons is in Afghanistan at the moment. Some also have spouses or boyfriends who have been to Iraq or are currently serving in Iraq.

I must caution though, do not fall into the trap of only looking for others who share your exact experience. You may have noticed that upon this forum, there are no categories for different types of trauma, i.e., combat, rape, and so on. There is an important reason for this. To use myself as an example, I have derived just as much support and understanding from non-military individuals as I have from those with military experience. When it boils down to it, it matters not how we or our loved ones acquired PTSD.

I am sorry for your current pain, it sounds all too familiar. Many including myself relate to the emotional rollercoaster! If your husband does have PTSD, he truly needs to be evaluated and treated. The first step would be to receive an official diagnosis. Unfortunately it must be his decision, you may support him in it however he has to want help.

I suggest that, to begin with, you read here and learn as much about PTSD as your are able. Knowledge is power in dealing this illness. Also please take care of yourself and your precious child. If your husband starts to mistreat you or your little one, please do not put up with it. Your happiness is also important.

Take care, and please continue to post and ask questions.

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

thanks kathy! today was a ok day, but then i had a appt. somewhere and when i came home, he was upset that i had asked him to get the ranch dressing 2hrs earlier for dinner. I probably didn't deal with it the correct way, but whats the deal? I had just asked him to get it, If he said NO, i was going to get it. he continues to tell me, well your up, can you get it, so when i asked while he was up, i figured he would be nice to me. He didn't come out and start yelling, but he waited awhile to tell me about it. The rollercoaster threw me for a loop on that one.

 

[Kathy]

Pastrychef, is your husband currently in any therapy? He does sound rather stressed (as do you). The salad dressing does seem like a minor issue, however please read the following article regarding stress and PTSD sufferers:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2296.html[/DLMURL]

It is an excellent article and I personally found it most helpful in my understanding of PTSD. Sometimes a seemingly minor issue can be the limit for them, as you will see after reading the article. I apologize that I have nothing more to say tonight as it is late and I must sign out, however do take care.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Pastrychef,

Welcome to the forum. I hope your able to find the information you need to help you cope.

Take care
Tammy

 

[Jim]

Welcome Pastrychef. Hope you enjoy your time here.

Jim.

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

i think the ptsd is really kicking up. he stated last night, the reason why we dont have sex alot is because everytime we do, he wants to go tosleep and i want to talk and then we get in a arguement, and thats why he don't want to have sex with me. I don't know what else to do. we got into a great big arguement, mainly it was about bringing up the past, and why do i do it, when i am not the only one! it lasted around a hour, and ended up with us not talking all day today. I am so hurt, confused, frustrated. i just left him to himself today.

 

[Kathy]

Sorry things are difficult at the moment. Sometimes giving one another space is the best thing to do. The sleeping after sex, well... that is unfortunately quite common among men. :rolleyes:

 

[wildcritter44]

Hang in there -- you are not alone !

Hi, :hello:

My name is Donna & I am the spouse of a disabled Army Airborne Ranger.
Ranger has PTSD a medium case I guess you would call it, but debilitating none the less, he can't work as anything can 'trigger" him and he is on a lot of medications for pain as well as PTSD.

Sounds to me like maybe yr husband is "afraid" to sleep-- like maybe he is having night terrors of things that happened over there. Sights, sounds, smells, other things can be "triggers" that cause him to be or get upset. I have read a lot about the kids being "targets" & "victims" because the enemy knows we don't want to hurt women & kids, so they do.
If he has any "kills" of his own, that may tie into some of his stress (PTSD).
If you could get him to talk to some fellow soldiers or better yet some veterans maybe they could encourage him to get help, or like a group therapy.
It does sound like he does not want to "appear weak" after all he is a soldier. They are not encouraged to be anything but rough tough and invinceable...They train for years for some of the things they do so that it comes as naturally to them as their name does when ask. They are NOT trained to come home to us...
It is not easy to deal with them sometimes, but they really do need us to be there for them and love them (in some cases they don't feel worthy of love).

Sorry for going on so... I wish you well and your family.
Venting is a great help and we all can do that on this forum as well as get a lot of imput from others...I have received a lot of help, just knowing I am not alone and that others deal with situations much worse than my husbands & mine...

HUGS :Hug_emoticon:

Donna

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

hi donna, thanks for the reply. He openly admitted to me that he lies to the PTSD dr. has cancelled appts cause he feels that he don't need to go, he don't want to be medicated. He doesn't want therapy or group therapy. all in all, i am about ready to snap. him and our son are in daily yelling, or "not talking" arguements, while my son is 5, and to me this is normal, but my hubby will give him a chance, then spanks his butt. of course, now, my son doesn't like him, (who would). he hasn't found what 'works' for his discipline with our son, and won't take the time to find it.

he never technically killed anyone, but he was on a convoy where a civilian iraqi got killed. He stood there watching the guy die, and the combat life medics tried to keep him from dieing. He blames his grandmothers death, 1 day after he returned from iraq, on himself. as much as i have told him that it wasn't his fault, as they didnt tell the entire truth about the mission, he feels that if he would have told someone, she wouldn't have died. Not to mention that 2-3 weeks after we moved out west, his grandfather died, he was on the phone with his dad when it happened. I don't know how to help him, to show him i care. I am always asking how his day was, if he needs anything, i love him unconditionally, he starts to tell me about his day, then yells at me, for something stupid, like tonight, i said all the doors were unlocked in my car, he said well i ****ing didn't do it! WHERE did that come from. I said please, if your mad, thats fine, but don't take it out on me!

sex- well it was good for 2 days, 3 times in that time frame. but when he has class or is stressed, he won't. he says he is sore, don't feel good, etc..... i tell him, lets make you a appt to see the dr, hell no he says.

I think he broke his collar bone over in iraq, but the dr back east, never said 'yes or no'. so he is in pain with that, his right shoulder sits way lower than his left.

we moved in over 2 months ago, and i have boxes everywhere still, most of them i can't lift or else i would have emptied them. i ask him every 4-5days, he says oh we'll do that on the weekend, but it never gets done.

sorry to go on and on, i just need to get it out!!!! thanks!!

 

[wildcritter44]

It's okay to vent here !

:hello: Hi!

Venting here really helps, I think, mostly because there are a lot of folks on the forum that do understand the frustration, emotions of the rollercoaster.
There are a lot of us on the ride whether we like it or not, simply because we love our partner. They are the ones that suffer and if in denial or beginning recovery, it can be very difficult for us. Don't let yourself or your son be hurt by yr husband, it's wrong to be abused. No excuses.. I know others here will say the very same thing.

There are a lot of folks here that have it much worse than ranger & I. Ranger is wonderful because he realizes things aren't as they should be and is willing to get the help he needs and is working very hard in the recovery process. It's not an easy process. It isn't something that happens very quickly either. So far he is about 15-16 months into the recovery. He has good days and bad days.
Sometimes if you can refocus the bad times and get them to move on to something else it helps them get out of the rut or off the broken record. Not always an easy task, in some cases impossible. :wall:
Take some time for just you & yr little one, you both need it.
Vent when ever you feel you need to on this forum... it just might help you. If yr husband is still in the service, you should be able to get help for you.

If he is attending school, that is stressful sometimes. For ranger it was anyway. Certain classes the assignments can even be unsetting. People talking about things they know nothing about would make him very angry. So many people think they know about the stuff that goes on over there, that unless you were there or talk to some one whom was there and they can tell you about the horrors. Most people have an opinion about something they "see on TV" or the our politicans talk about etc.

Sorry I do go on and on... I only hope that something I am saying here helps you in some way. If only to let you know, you aren't alone.. ok.

His denial is a tough one to deal with. Until he is willing to admit he has a problem and willing to deal with it, well, to say the least life could be hard. :dontknow:

My thought are with you and hoping things start working out better

hugs to you and the family... :Hug_emoticon:

Donna

 

[pastrychefarmywife]

thanks donna. he is still active duty, and they are putting him in hazmat classes, and the instructor is going way fast for him, he isn't 'book smart' as they call it. they are craming 3 months worth in 2 weeks. his first test is , today, and i am sure that his 'studing' hasnt helped, he needs things broken down, bit by bit, and its too much for him right now. i offer every night to help him study, i enjoy learning what he does at work, but he doesn't want to , or if he does, he sure has a odd way of saying it.