Anyone Else Heavily Medicated To Make Cruelty Not Hurt Anymore

[Deleted member 38242]

At 17 my parents put me in a hospital because I was mad that bullies stalked me, and made porn of me when I didn't know they were watching me. We found out that the medication messed me up bad just this year, and that I physically can proves I get bad side effects. But, at 19 I didn't know, and from 17-21 would be called all kinds of names by strangers I've never met while I was medicated to make it better.

I had to drop out of college due to harassment, and bullying. My shrink said I was hallucinating and bipolar, and even if it was real shouldn't bother me. I should just ignore this daily event back then.

I was put on 5 different psych meds, and gained 120 lbs and drooled a little. I went into a psychotic depression, and heard voices on the medication. My parents who I had no choice but to live with pressured me really bad to be on it. I think they couldn't handle it, and even my dad was getting flipped off by these hateful freaks. So, anything to stop the pain right. There was a hell of a lot of them doing it: still are in fact, but the hate is now no where like it was from 17-23, but gets old when your turning 40, and have been stalked from 15 on.

This year was bad with hate rape jokes and cruelty, but it seems like it's only every couple of years now when they circle me with cruel obnoxious hate. Anyway don't ever let anyone with money hurt you as a kid. They never stop. It's like a sick power thing if you don't have the ability to defend yourself.

I can't do anything about it, and it's taken my ability to live like a normal human away. I can't work due to flashbacks, and I never know when someone's going to come out of the wood work and hate on me for a good time to them. I was in school, but I got stalked there again, so that's out. I've tried medication and it messes me up bad every time. So what I'm thinking is that you can't medicate other people's hate, and make it all better. Does this make sense? There is no medication for repeated torment.

Sometimes they medicate us so we can live with it, but it doesn't fix the problem, or make it stop. It made everything worse. In fact psychotically worse, but they try to make the symptoms not hurt as much. I wish they made a medication I could take with out putting me into a psychotic stupor or depression, but they don't. I would take it if I could to make the outside better, but I can't. I just have to live with powerful people repeatedly making me suffer. When they can't medicate reality to not be real I thought they could make you feel ok with pain with psych meds, but I guess not.

I've been a trooper and tried them all faithfully for years. I guess the doctors can't fix everything.

Sometimes you just have to live within the constraints of other people's hate. Nothing I can do about it now. I tried. PTSD isn't curable if it keeps happening, or if you don't know what's going on because your a drugged up mess you can't defend yourself that makes it worse. I guess take each trauma as you can. And just try to heal them as they keep happening. Sometimes there is no happy pill, and no kindness in modern hate filled life. What can you do? No meds help.

 

[joeylittle]

So what I'm thinking is that you can't medicate other people's hate, and make it all better. Does this make sense? There is no medication for repeated torment.

This does make sense.

Most psychotropic medication only lessens the intensity of certain kinds of emotional/physical/psychological responses. The meds do that just as an assist to the real work, which happens in therapy.

Are you seeing a therapist to process your trauma?

It is possible to change one's name and identity numbers and effectively disappear. It's not easy, and there are things that are really restrictive about it - but if you have no other recourse, I'd guess that's something you'd need to look into.

Or, is it an option to just unplug from the means whereby these people (whomever they are) harass you? Is it online stuff? A therapist could help you work through that as well.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I can't get into the people, but there connected, and I can't get free. Sometimes they don't rub in my face I was tortured bad as a kid. I probably shouldn't post about that, but it's been in my face a lot scence my Facebook was hacked this past year. They hurt you bad then send in bouncers in essence to let you know your watched, and the only thing you can do is kill yourself, or live with it. Your never allowed to hurt others remotely close to what they did. I was poor in a wealthy neighborhood, and they hated me for having older parents that were all 1950's in how they raised me. I was sapposed to like being a whore, stalked, degraded, and spit on.
Anyway I know of other people who had run ins with big bad guys. The kind that can do whatever they want, and a fixer just makes it disappear. I've never had anything, and was alone for the most part, so I'm expendable and hurtable to them. They leave me alone when I stay quiet and don't ask questions about the past. I just have to live with that dark weight to hell. If I keep quiet again they leave me alone, but the pain is so bad it can drive you to insanity. If you don't constantly fight the reality it can drive you mad.
Therapy yes I'm starting again. Just someone to talk to is nice. Someone who is kind, and who wants nothing from me because I pay for the time. I have a lot of new stuff from the past my parents clarified, and they didn't mean to hurt me, but they tried to convince me I was insane for a while to protect me from the hurt. Which made me lose 5 years to psych meds. They cause me to be crazy, angry, or depressed, but I guess that's common with epilepsy medication (mood stabilizers), so nothing I can do there it's just my body. I do need help coping with past torture, and having no power to protect myself from people who hate me.
I want to try an antidepressant, but my shrink may not let me. We will see. After a total of 30 min (2 15min sessions) he wanted to try one, and even though I told him my reserve wanted to mess with my gaba for one last time. Never again. One pill go me pissed then depressed for two days.
Therapy may be the best. Just dealing with the day to day when your life is taken away from you so young is hard. No hopes or dreams because you can't work, and no hopes and dreams because you have to stay low and hide is a difficult life. I wanted to go to college so bad as a kid and for bullied out of it. I wanted to work and got bullied out of it. But, I do have disability, and time, so need to feel good enough to appreciate it. It's been rough especially when the med this week caused rage which turned to depression as always on these pills. I don't know. I'm kind of giving up.

 

[garden]

Is it possible to move away from these bullies? I think joeylittle is onto something about that. I myself cut ties with my family of origin, including siblings, and moved to the country with my own little family. While it hasn't cured me (lol, as if), it has made a huge difference in my day to day life, as if a bit of darkness and self hatred has been shaved away, leaving room for something else. Do you have anyone in your life that is an ally, who advocates for you? Such a person could help you get organized enough to possibly re-arrange your life so that the bullies have no access to you.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

It's not to bad now. I did move, but they had friends here. I can't go to nicer parts of the town I live in without possibly getting crap, or being afraid of it, but that's my issue. It's been over 20 years 30 in fact from when the bullying started, and this past year I had a really really bad time for a few months because I said something, and didn't know the extent of it at the time. But it's gotten better. I had some health issues and surgery , and honestly wasn't smart, and said some "f*ck them for that" stuff, and it got around. I was in a bad space and getting flashbacks. Im usually a sweetheart, but we found out I can't take a bunch of different medications with out side effects. I can't ever escape it, but it's not as bad now like I said. Mostly flashbacks. I was supper bad last week because medication I tried.
Thank for being here. It seems with PTSD this stuff comes and goes.