Anyone Else That Was Never Afraid Of Dissociating Or Even Aware Of It & Still Isn't In A Sense?

[mytai]

@D123 Thanks for the hugs. Just trying to make it until I see my T tomorrow.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks everyone. It actually is very healing for me to be in alien ville. ;) It does help growth for me which I find slightly puzzling still.

No longer dwelling on how much and the extent to which I never "noticed" a thing throughout my life until recently as I have worked through that pretty well. Just often feel a little alien when I see people reacting in an OMG way when they feel woozy or find their hands are six times bigger than it should be. I understand it on a conceptual level and am not judging that type of reaction at all (in fact I see it as normal) but it feels very foreign to me.

In the past the hand would be six times the normal size and I would not have given it even a micro seconds thought. Now I will be "oh, big hand... whatever... ground myself.... what is up that's causing it? .... increase mindfulness etc...

 

[Abstract]

. Doesn't really bother me for the most part that I am that way, but I'm just starting to realize with the help of my T how it is hurting me in situations.

The realisations are a tough one I found. My sense of my reality, my past and my identity was very shaken. I hope you feel a bit better soon.

dissociation saved me

This is one thing I still struggle with a bit. I still have trouble believing anything I experienced was not OK and real so it makes it tricky thinking dissociation helped me. It is hugely helpful in identifying what is happening inside us isn't it? Like a barometer when other senses are not that reliable.

yes, this is nice.

It can be nice Anonymous. Only trouble is that the cost and risks are clear enough to me now so I can't indulge. I am motivated to change and have a lot.

I HAVE to get lost inside my head for literally hours every day that makes me think it is not simply 'liking my own head' but something more compulsive. Not sure if it is dissociation or even if I'm making sense.

It does sound possible Pencil. Anything dissociative tends to be very difficult to put into words. You do make sense.

I much prefer a little bit early on then a full blown episode where anything can happen later. Does that even make any sense?

I do think it makes sense. I think I understand. It's especially preferable to having a freakout or flashback or something similar depending on the flavour of the dissociation.

I remember "checking out" a lot as a kid on purpose.

Sounds perfectly adaptive to me. I did not have the capacity to choose to check out as I had no awareness of it if that makes sense.

I've always wondered what in hell that was, and wonder if it was some kind of dissociation?

Macca, I can't remember if it technically falls under derealization or depersonalisation. I always get confused. It is dissociation though. I find it quite off that I never once had even a fraction of a second when I thought about it when stuff like this happened. Weird what the mind can do isn't it! The other things you describe do mess up interacting with others don't they? It sounds like you have learned a lot in a short time!

I just figured that I learned not to bat an eye and turned off when crazy stuff happened because I grew up with it.

I too had a lot of the stuff you mention Franciemarnie. No thought of it at the time in the past. I always thought I was tough and strong and resilient. What a let down to find out the truth! The more recovered I get the more neurotic I feel! I thought I was tough but I was just dissociated. :rolleyes:

That's been one of my main motivators in staying present and grounded - so I can react in the moment when someone does something inappropriate to me.

Snap. The very biggest and most important motivation for me.

mostly I think because I didn't really realise there was an 'it' that needed a word

Thats it digger! It's not so much not knowing their is such a thing , what it is caused or what it is related to (I think these things are "normal" in the context) and rather was a total lack of awareness of it. I could not, could not understand how that was possible when I started piecing it all together. :confused:

the dissociation itself kind of stops you feeling any fear of the dissociation

I have expressed it that I dissociated my dissociation! ;) Huge enlarged hand? Immediate detachment before that thought even occurs. Left foot in front of right foot.... la la la la la la la....

while entirely zonked out in my head, for instance.

Many things can happen whilst zonked in the head it seems. Trouble is allowing it discourages general mindfulness and I am dedicated to that. And life tends to disappear down a black hole. Not sure how my psyche would survive a trauma now though. I no longer feel protected on that level.

Should I be worried about that? (

Quite probably! ;)

zone out into books... , I would actually move in and pretend I was part of that world for hours or days.

I did this too a lot. I read compulsively.

dissociating most of the time. .... while pretending to be perfectly normal and what people expected. I would really like to see a video of what was actually going on, it would be totally bizarre, I'm sure.

I have thought this too! Ironically as I get better I look more and more unwell to others and even to myself at times. I am a million times healthy on the inside though!

I have times when I mourn the changes and long for the oblivion. It is very bitter-sweet. No matter what though the knowledge that it potentially puts me in danger keeps me working to be present in all ways.

People can be real jerks to me, and I can't even tell.

Yes. This has been a huge problem in my life and still is at times although it is probably about 90 % better. It has taken long and dedicated work but has been very worthwhile.

You are brave to start giving up your teddy bear.

I only knew that what I was experiencing was outside the normal.

I think this is entirely normal Alba. I find it very strange I never had a moment when I gave it any thought. Especially the more extreme things such as looking down on oneself from above.

It is my preference to deal with things as they are in the present

Me too. I work on mindfulness and all my skills that help to keep me present the whole day every day in some way. I continually add to my skills and things have improved a lot. Unfortunately there are situations where all my skills and hard work are still not enough to stop the slide but I am a work in progress.

 

[Deleted member 23044]

That's led me to another question - for a few years after I was 4 or so, I would go to bed and "lose control" of how big my body felt. It would feel like it would suddenly grow really huge, and then I'd try to bring it back because that was horrible, and it would shrink down to miniature, and then go back and forth and I would be desperate for it to stop. I've always wondered what in hell that was, and wonder if it was some kind of dissociation?

I have felt this almost exactly, my body would grow really huge at the same exact time that I was shrinking to miniature, I never would mind this feeling at first, it would feel "interesting" to me and I would feel a sense of awe, like how could I be both at the same exact time, simultaneously? But once I realized that my body was still growing at the same exact time that I was shrinking.... I would get scared like I might not be able to stop it (how big could I get, how small could I get and would the small me disappear?).

Had to tell you, wow.

As for dissociation, I do NOT like being unaware of my surroundings and missing time... like what the hell was I doing? What did I miss? It doesn't feel good, after the fact, to realize that you're not fully present or in control. But then again... I can also relate to the coziness of it, wanting to check out, not wanting to be wherever it is that I am. And there I go again, being two seemingly opposite things at once. How very odd. Maybe there is a connection.

 

[EverOnly358]

You are brave to start giving up your teddy bear.

Thanks. :) (Sorry if I seriously over shared. Your post was really timely for me... I've been freaking out about this stuff for awhile here, just like what you're saying below... except for the million times healthier stuff... I mean, I'm on the path, I'm hoping I get there someday, but I'm not really feeling too much healthier YET).

Ironically as I get better I look more and more unwell to others and even to myself at times. I am a million times healthy on the inside though!

I think this is entirely normal Alba. I find it very strange I never had a moment when I gave it any thought. Especially the more extreme things such as looking down on oneself from above.

I never understood what was going on with me and dissociation, until I found this forum. I just thought I was seriously messed up and weird. I thought it might be my overactive imagination. I just... I didn't know how to talk about it and I couldn't explain it and I didn't even want to try because then I would seem totally crazy. So, thanks for posting this thread, it's been seriously helpful. I guess I'm not the only alien :alien: after all. ;)

D123

 

[Pencil]

That's led me to another question - for a few years after I was 4 or so, I would go to bed and "lose control" of how big my body felt. It would feel like it would suddenly grow really huge, and then I'd try to bring it back because that was horrible, and it would shrink down to miniature, and then go back and forth and I would be desperate for it to stop. I've always wondered what in hell that was,

Exactly!!! Except I felt huge and tiny at the same time. Almost one-cellular.

 

[Hashi]

Recently, I've started to feel afraid about dissociating when I'm not doing it. This has only come about from being present more of the time now and seeing things from a real point of view.

Dissociating itself is comforting. In general I love non-reality, or distortion of reality. But then when I'm lying awake in bed at night I might look back at how I dissociated the previous day, week, month and it worries me. I'm afraid about what's happened to my life already, and what will happen to my life in future, because I dissociate so much. Not immediate danger, but the opting out of living my life and what that means for my health, finances, work and relationships.

I'm much less afraid of dissociating than I am of not dissociating. Reality is far harder and scarier to me. It takes a lot of discipline to work to stay present.

Feeling physical pain is a revelation to me. No wonder everyone else has always made such a fuss about it. Stuff really hurts!

 

[rainy_daze]

My T said to respect the dissociation, and to not question it so much. She said I'm dissociating for a reason, it's a protective function. Then she went on her normal examples of how everyone dissociates, and just because I haven't found out what exactly is triggering it, just to let it be for now. She says she can't see when I tune out during sessions, but can feel it, as if it's a distance. She says she's had clients who it feels like they are across the other side of the room, with huge distance between them. I guess they would be the ones who have higher levels of dissociation than me, and maybe I'm fortunate that when I leave the room, people still feel like I'm present there (does that make sense?). My partner, however, can actually see it. "Where did you go" is usually what he asks to bring me back. I'm lucky that I don't tune out for too long when I'm outdoors, and I can snap back a lot easier (probably because I'm more anxious and alert outside).

I wouldn't say I loved dissociation; if anything, it interferes with my life. However, if I hadn't started with this therapy, I probably would've plodded along thinking I didn't dissociate at all. I thought losing 20 minutes was normal. It's when you see it in black and white, and you start to understand the explanation, that you suddenly notice it all and your life makes a lot more sense. You realise where all the time went. Well, it was that way for me. At least now I'm aware of it I can try and stop it more (maybe?) to live in the here and now. I'm also learning to just accept it, because if I didn't know any better I'd still think it was fine, and I'd probably still be trying to function, like I always am.

@Hashi , are you starting to feel/be aware of your body more as you go further into therapy/healing? My T was talking to me about this also. I personally just want to say, "ouch".

@Abstract , do you think you enjoy the dissociation because you think it's a protective thing? Do you think it should be respected more? Do you think it's helpful in some ways?

Tell me off if I'm being too nosey :p:rolleyes:.

 

[zaniara]

Before therapy and this site(more information from it than from my therapist) I was never aware of it. But some years ago I learned, after some help from a therapist(not working withmy traumas) to handle the anxiety better. And then I switched to 'keeping the pace up'(hypervigilance) in order to get anything at all done. But of course I still dissociated(there are so many different ways- most of all I just numbed my self and didn't feel my body at all).

When I'm dissociated I don't care about it and don't want to 'come back', and basically don't care about me nor my future. But now during the moments I am present I hate dissociation- or rather lacking control over it, and I hate that life was so bad that I needed to get like this. Also I hate what it has cost me. (Beyond what is possible to fathom.)

I would rather have a life good enough to feel and be present in. Not live as a sleep walker. Because every time I wake up it hurts even more, since then I feel that I missed even more life.

Aside from the fact that I as all people, even 'normal ones', dissociate sometimes because the brain needs to relax- I would rather heal the traumas and go through all the grief and pain so that I could start to be present and make the most of my life. It's so short and precious. If not for me, so for my kids.

I know the 'I don't care part' is a liar cheating me on my happiness and freedom(the one I can only feel if I also allow the pain). It sucks it still wins so much. (because the pain is still so overwhelming on/off)

 

[Hashi]

@Hashi , are you starting to feel/be aware of your body more as you go further into therapy/healing? My T was talking to me about this also. I personally just want to say, "ouch".

For me, it's part of a sort of bundle. Being aware of my body in an ordinary way, like feeling pain, has come together with being aware of my body in the sense of somatic memory. There's also something about feeling that my body is me, that I actually have a physical self, which is hard to adjust to and accept.

I've had somatic (energy-based) therapy and what I do now includes body psychotherapy. Body awareness is painful in more ways than one. I find body psychotherapy can be really rough. Cell memory is as bad as the other kinds of remembering. Physical reality can be as hard to deal with as the other kinds of reality.

I'm not sure if you were asking a more straightforward question than my answer. Body stuff can be a real struggle for me, and quite complex.

 

[rainy_daze]

Not live as a sleep walker

I completely agree with this, zanaira.

Thank you for answering @Hashi , I was just asking for your honest answer, which can always be as straightforward or as complicated as you like, either give me things to think about. I find I ignore my body often, and it's only now I'm really dealing with it more. I don't know if you remember, but I told you ages ago I burn myself a lot when cooking, and I'm getting much better at not; I think this stemmed from doing everything too fast, being far too in my head and not concentrating. The more I'm aware though, the more chronic pain threatens to take over. I do have a lot to work on.