As A Ptsd Sufferer How Do You Show Or Loved Ones We Care About Them?

[madmax]

Saddled with aggression, being viglilant and trust issues how do we re-learn what was a "given" at one time in our lives?

I find myself battling with my wife over basically as she puts it "trival matters". I sort of feel my empathy tank is more than half empty!

My (T) tells me mindfullness is the key,I just shrug my shoulders.

Well?

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, I have decided that at my 50th birthday party (19 years away) I want my husband and my kids to be really glad I am still alive because they know how hard it is for me to make that decision.

I have reasons to not trust my husband. We've had some issues that would be enough to divorce other people (cheating, rape [it's complicated because we have a bdsm relationship and there was some level of consent but circumstances were really complicated]) but those things happened a long time ago and I told him all of it had to stop and it did.

How do I not fight over trivial matters? I decide that mostly things don't matter. If I want something done I do it myself. If I want him to do it I ask politely and he usually says yes. Every single day, regardless of mood, we hug and kiss before parting. We always say, "I love you" when parting. There is a greater than 0 chance on any given day that I will kill myself. I want to. I never want my last words to him to be words of vitriol. I treat every day like this could be it. (Ok, technically I have talked myself into 15 more years because I have to raise my kids.) But on any day he could be hit by a bus. I have cleaned him off the pavement from motorcycle accidents and had to wipe his @ss for weeks.

I'm invested. I have known him for nine years. We have been married for almost seven. I have lived with him longer than I ever lived consecutively with either of my parents. Very soon I will have lived with him longer than I lived with my mother at all. I don't have very many long-term relationships. My best friend from birth dumped me when I published my memoir. She didn't like what I wrote about her family. (I wasn't mean at all but I talked about how it effected me that her parents divorced because her dad cheated.) My second-longest friend moved to Scotland to marry the boy of her dreams.

I don't have anyone else who has picked me and who wants to know me. I am very afraid of being alone.

Err, tl;dr: I am nice to him because it is self-serving for me to be nice to him. If I am not nice to him he won't be nice to me. I want to be partnered in twenty years. When I am in my fifties and my kids are off doing their lives I will get to hang out in the really wonderful back yard I am building with my best friend and have lots of sex. I want that future.

So I'm really nice to him now.

 

[p-no]

My (T) tells me mindfullness is the key

It is.

 

[madmax]

When you feel "numb" and mindless what triggers a positve outcome?

Max

 

[daretodream]

How to relearn what was a given at one time? By hard work and healing , one step at a time. Every day when the old habit comes forward cut it off at the pass.

I used to envy parents whom parent with such ease and grace for me it was like every day I had to learn new and overcome ingrained crap. I longed to respond with natural healthy reactions but I had none. As a wife I tired hard to be what was expected of me and be the good wife.

I am remarried and in a very loving realtionship now and what I changed the most is ME. I took and take time to work on my healing mentally and phsyically. I work hard to be the person I want to be not others. I work hard cutting old habits from my past. Every day I try to remember to acknowledge what I am thankful for and see the wonderous gifts in my life.

In 2004 I lost my marraige, was homeless and penniless full of anger, hate and my trust ,one more time distoyed
I was forced for survival sake to sleep in the very room I had been raped in from age 3 up with my daughter , a cat and a dog. I came face to face with a man whom not only raped me but tried to kill me twice and another man whom date raped me. Vigilant left me unable to not only sleep at night but to even be in a home period so I spent hours walking outside in the dead of the night to calm down and talking to God.

hitting bottom was the greatest gift I ever recieved for I finally learnt to set healthy boundaries not only fo rme but my chidlren . I was free of all but one of my abusers (mother). I appreciate ever little wonderous gift I have now. food, shelter, love and everything else is just a bonus.

We can free ourselves and enjoy life as it is meant to be enjoyed. all we need to do is heal ourselves from within. One step at a time

 

[Hashi]

My (T) tells me mindfullness is the key,I just shrug my shoulders.

I think if people suggest mindfulness, they need to be specific about why and how. Did your T go into this with you? If not, I think it's worth getting more information about what s/he means exactly.

A lot of people use "mindfulness" to mean relaxation and meditation, but those are things that help with mindfulness, they're not mindfulness in themselves. It's about keeping focus in the present. What that means, how to do it, and how it can help is something that in my case needed a lot of explaining before it made sense and I could see the point. I needed very concrete ideas of how to use it, what I could actually do with it in situations where I was getting wound up or withdrawing into myself.

For me that can be as practical as having a post-it note on my phone, reminding me how I want to be when I'm talking to people, so I see the reminder just before I talk. I've heard of people putting little red dot stickers in various places as positive triggers of how they're trying to think/behave, to remind themselves without other people knowing what the reminder is.

To be able to demonstrate caring naturally and automatically would be nice, but because that's difficult for me I have to strategise to do it.

 

[nursenurse]

I'm just going to address your topic, as a supporter and as an ex-wife (not Max's :)). Because I think this can pertain to any relationship.

What I missed were the little things. I'm a big fan of the kiss good bye and the kiss hello. A spontaneous "I love you" or hug out of the blue, with no other intent. I liked a flower once in awhile, a single red rose, or a tulip. Didn't have to be bought, could be something picked from my garden. Hot and sour soup when I was sick. A thank you once in a while for the same mundane tasks I would perform every day. When all these things disappeared, the demise of my marriage was catalysed. Being taken for granted is not a good feeling for either side.

The point being, what did you used to do for her, way back when? Find something small, do able. Make yourself a commitment to do that one thing for her. I imagine much of the spontaneity has evaporated because of the PTSD. That's okay, make yourself a date to show her that you care. Tomorrow you will kiss her good bye before she goes to work. Even if you feel numb, even if it feels kind of awkward. Something like that. Because beneath that layer of numbness lies the love. Otherwise, you would not have entitled this thread the way you did. Just my 10 cents with inflation :)

 

[p-no]

When you fell "numb" and mindless what triggers a positve outcome?

What do you mean by "what triggers a positive outcome"? Are you asking what you could do to become mindful? (Sorry, I'm not a native speaker and am not sure.)

 

[madmax]

Yes, while feeling numb what can we do to become mindful?

 

[madmax]

Nurse once again you have spoken eloquently.

 

[Bree]

What I missed were the little things. I'm a big fan of the kiss good bye and the kiss hello. A spontaneous "I love you" or hug out of the blue, with no other intent. I liked a flower once in awhile, a single red rose, or a tulip. Didn't have to be bought, could be something picked from my garden. Hot and sour soup when I was sick. A thank you once in a while for the same mundane tasks I would perform every day. When all these things disappeared, the demise of my marriage was catalysed. Being taken for granted is not a good feeling for either side.

THIS is beautiful and inspiring.

Also, I've found that it helps to develop a deep sense of gratitude for the person. Because for me, at least, if I'm grateful for their very existence, then that feeling permeates through every action I do for them, or every interaction I have with them. I build this sense of gratitude by listing all they've sacrificed for me and all they've given me (Time, money, a hug ECT.) all the kind words they've said to me, and all the beautiful traits that I adore in them.

Also, if we're arguing or not getting along at the time, then I remind myself that yes, all this fighting sucks, but at least they're still there to fight with me. Soooo many people have abandoned me because of my mental illnesses. The heavy emotions just get so difficult to deal with. So the ones who have stuck around.... just wow. They amaze me. Yea, it's gunna get hard, cause PTSD isn't a walk in the park for me or my loved ones. But they're still there, wanting the best for me, and standing by my side PTSD and all. That's huge for me. I love them for it.