How Do You Show Empathy To Your Partner?

[saffy]

Hi Lizbeth

I am feeling guilty not for what I said, because it was all true and very honest, but maybe because I said it too soon before he was ready to hear it.

That is what I thought :)

I think being true and honest is the most important thing in a relationship. I also think waiting can causes problems In my opinion, and as you say.

All the time you have been waiting to get this out your relationship has not been in its truth but masked behind a wall of apprehension and false emotions.

He has been doing the same and for both of you it must have been very frustrating and repressive. How can you ever deal with stuff if you are hiding how you feel in case the other person gets upset. I wonder if when things surface now someone says, 'well why did you not tell me that before' 'how was I supposed to know that' ' how can I help if you don't tell me' ?

I can understand why your therapist needed you to be grounded first but how can you be when the foundations of the relationship is based on hiding the truth from each other?

I am glad you are both carrying on with couples therapy as I think this will really help you be able to connect better in the long run. There should be less fear about telling each other things, sharing emotions and being able to comfort each other when you talk about things as they come up.

Leaving things festering for so long inside cannot be a good thing for either of you, surely.

It might be a precarious situation but he will learn that by communicating things he will be more in the now and in the truth. Men do tend to go off and internalize things. They do have trouble talking about their feelings in a deep way, it makes them feel vulnerable. But on the other hand by you not being open either you are both avoiding this part of communication that is so important in a relationship. Otherwise it might just seem sugar coated?

How can you possibly be able to help each other if you are both hiding how you feel through fear of rejection? hurt? disappointment? I don't know there are many reasons why people are not entirely open with each other.

After three years of going through the motions and hiding true feelings it is going to be a bit of a roller coaster while things some out. There is going to be some shock on each part, maybe, and there might be guilt.

Talk about why you are feeling these though. Why is he feeling guilty? WHy do you think it is too soon? how much longer do you want to hide this and pretend everything is ok? How much longer do you both want to be walking on eggshells?

You might even feel that there is a distance between you and do not really know each other?

You might both realise that by trying to protect each others feelings you were unable to actually support each other in a positive way?

I am hoping now though, you can both be so much closer and be able to support each other so much better when this initial loop of the ride has calmed down a bit. It is all still raw and unexpected and emotions will be high on both parts.

Well maybe when he is ready he will feel he can open up a bit more and not be afraid to look or ask for help. He sounds like he has a protective wall to chip away at. It has all been a bit cosy up till now maybe ?

But in the end I think it will be a great weight of each of your shoulders. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks so much Saffy for your thoughtful responses; I so appreciate it. Yes, there has been a lot of that sugar-coating throughout our relationship, and then actually talking about what is really going on can be super-charged because of that. There are some big fundamental issues with him that my therapist told me to not go into with him till I was more grounded, so I kinda did as I was told there.

Yes, it's very hard to do that exercise: "I'm sorry you felt hurt that I didn't give you enough attention during my cancer." Kind of sounds like "I'm sorry I didn't give you enough attention right after I had the baby." LOL. I'm sure there are women who can relate to that one. But I am starting to see that that exercise is not about validating the accusation, but simply validating the feelings. So it doesn't mean (I guess?) that his expectations of me were reasonable ones. So I had a lot of powerful emotions in response to that accusation, and I'm trying to figure out if my emotions were valid.

I think my authentic self is more direct and frank than I've displayed to him over the years, I'm realizing. I think when I do that, he is offended.

For now the therapist has recommended that we see her separately for a few sessions. She is now going to get his history and look at whatever issues he may have. She told me it was within guidelines to do be his therapist too in that couples-therapy-way as long as she had my permission. I am fine with it and hope it takes some of the pressure off.

You are correct that he has a giant protective wall up!!

She also recommended we not really contact each other for a while. This part is hard, as a major piece of my social life is now kinda gone. But I know it's probably for the best.

Thank you!!

 

[AMarie]

Thank for you explaining on your post:

So when you dissociate and say something destructive, and you come back from it, it's hard to relate to what you have done, yeah? This is true for me. So it's true -- it is hard to show empathy. For me, it feels as though I wasn't there and someone else did it.

I can relate and I never knew that when this occurs I am in a place of dissociation. You have OPENED MY EYES.

When this type of interaction occurs in my relationship, I tend to berate myself for treating him so poorly rather than acknowledge that I have a real issue going on, I am living in the PAST...and going in and out of the PRESENT. It is a challenge for me to stay in the present when I am triggered, sometimes I can do something tactile or repetitive, like take a hot bath or cook to engage other parts of my brain. Only if I have been able to calm myself down and give myself some empathy "Wow, I feel like shit right now...this sucks...however it's not happening now" am I able to be empathetic towards my partner. If I am unable to tap into myself and my own emotional state, I will not be able to empathize and it will feel forced.

I recommend to continue to learn about yourself and your husband may be more receptive once he can sense a genuine understanding from you. By the way all of your emotions are valid because they let you know that you are alive and needing something. Thoughts are another story....

Thank you again for your help with clarifying dissociation for me :)