How Do You Show Empathy To Your Partner?

[LizBeth1]

Hi gang.

I've been in EMDR/CPTSD therapy for almost 3 yrs. now.

I've been with my partner for 8 years. We took a break when it became apparent I had some past trauma that needed addressing, but got back together a few months later.

Over the last 8 months I have gone through some big stress, suddenly having to move to a new place and getting a second-time cancer diagnosis in the middle of that move. My partner for some reason chose this time to blow up at me about how our relationship is all about me all the time. The timing was very weird. He also released a lot of anger about how I don't have any empathy.

I'm now cancer-free and hoping the 'crisis months' are calming down now. And he's still very angry at me for not giving him proper empathy in general, and has been releasing this passive-aggressively in frequent sarcastic jabs. I asked him to just be direct and let me know in the moment when I'm doing something wrong rather than saving it all up and exploding at me later, which is his habit... he has not been able to do this though. He is very uncomfortable doing it.

I told my therapist all this and I'm bringing him in to see her with me later.

So when you dissociate and say something destructive, and you come back from it, it's hard to relate to what you have done, yeah? This is true for me. So it's true -- it is hard to show empathy. For me, it feels as though I wasn't there and someone else did it. I guess that's a flashback type thing. I'm really struggling with this. I feel like I am not sincere when I apologize, like I am not sincere when I am acknowledging that he feels hurt by what I've said or done. It's really upsetting to me that I can't feel that, but my therapist says "Well. You really were not there! You were gone," and tells me to just say things like "I hear you, I understand that you feel hurt, I'm sorry that my words hurt you," etc. I'm not remembering exactly. But each time I do that, I really feel like I'm just reading off a teleprompter. It's an awful empty feeling. I want to be able to relate.

How do you manage this?

 

[saffy]

Empathy is about putting yourself in the other persons shoes and feeling what they are feeling.

Him being passive aggressive is not helping anyone. Passive aggressive is trying to get your own way by manipulation, withholding emotions instead of disclosing them. They use this to make you feel guilty. Being passive aggressive is not being assertive.

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

Does he think you are a mind reader then. How can you put yourself in his shoes if he is not being true to himself? It does not make sense.

Emotional neglect or lack of sympathy is another thing altogether.

Your therapist is right to say that you should not apologise just for your actions or words but by apologising for hurting his feelings is acknowledging them. if that makes sense.

Like I can say 'I am sorry I said you do not care', and if they really do not that would be fine, but if I say 'I am sorry for hurting you by saying you do not care' I am acknowledging their feelings not just my actions. arghh, hard to explain.

Maybe your therapist can do it better.

Apology - sorry I made this mistake. Empathy - sorry this has happened.

Going to your therapist together will help you both. Ask him/her to explain the effects of passive aggressive behaviour and the difference between just apologising and empathy.

I hope this helps a bit as it would be a shame to ruin a relationship because of bad communication :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[LizBeth1]

Thank you Saffy! Very helpful! That is a very good point - I can't empathize if I don't know what he is feeling. Wow.

Ugh. Went to therapy w/him last night. Overall it was positive, but he commented that I was incredibly self-absorbed during the cancer diagnosis and treatment, which lasted about 5 months. I just did not know what to make of this. My therapist looked confused and told him, "Well during something like a cancer diagnosis, particularly if it is the second time and it has come back, people are in a certain mode. It's terrifying. It's life and death. So yes, in order to manage it and do what needs to be done, and handle the extreme emotions coming up, some self-absorption is natural and even necessary." His response was to nod quietly and not say anything else, but I really didn't know how he arrived at that perception in the first place, what was driving it. ?!

So I mean, that kinda felt like a lack of empathy, to be honest! LOL. Anyway. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[saffy]

Hi Lizbeth

I am glad your therapist pointed this out to him. And yes he did show lack of empathy too. Maybe he thought that because he was supporting you you did not need to be so self absorbed, but come on, it is not like this is about a shopping trip is it. Cancer is a massive thing to deal with. I think he just felt a little neglected maybe , aw diddums, but actually under the circumstance it would be easy to do.

I hope that you can both talk about this further now that things are out in the open a bit more :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Joseph_PDX]

Hey LizBeth... :-) From what you've shared I see two moving pieces of your relationship: PTSD sufferers do indeed struggle to consistently empathize emotionally with others (for loads of some very logical reasons), and your description of your partner makes him sound too emotionally needy. These two dynamics exist independently but of course likely feed of each other.

There's no question that for him to expect you to have focused on him while you were getting diagnosed with cancer for the second time is ludicrous. However, he may be bringing up a collective complaint that spans the eight years you’ve been together. He should still let it go in my opinion and be willing to tell you in the moment if he needs something from you.

This is a tough dynamic. I know that in the time I got to know my ExGF I saw a pattern that every time I had something difficult happen to me, that was the very moment where she would check out emotionally and literally run away and shut down. Every romantic partner wants to feel that they can lean on their significant other during hard times. And ideally you should be able to lean on each other equally. But if you know your partner is a sufferer you should accept that circumstances aren't ideal for anyone. :-(

I ironically enough ended up working on being more emotionally independent because of that experience and this became one of the larger areas of growth that I took away from that relationship.

Perhaps just being aware that he feels abandoned (even if his response is unreasonable) will help you to be more aware of what’s going on with his internal emotional machinery and trying to be more sensitive can be an area of growth for you in the future. But if it were me, I’d still sit him down and say “The past is the past, I can only work on the future." I’d tell him to buck up some more. It’s not healthy at all that he’s mad at you for not thinking of him during your cancer experience.

My $.02… :-)

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks so much everyone for your well-articulated responses ;) This is so helpful.

One important detail -- totally forgot to mention that he went through his own cancer experience before I met him. Which makes it even more confusing that my therapist had to walk him through what it was like to go through that and how someone might emotionally respond. I wasn't around to witness how he dealt w/his own cancer situation emotionally though.

It's funny. I used to be really attentive and great at really being there for people, probably too much. I would become emotionally drained from all the giving. Then I got involved with someone who demanded tons of attention/lots of placation/most of my energy (he had PTSD too, and NPD) and after that ended, it was like I didn't have anything left for anyone in the future. I may have secondary trauma from that. Anyway, ever since, it's been hard for me to figure out what normal levels of emotional giving should be. Now, when I'm needed that way, I become drained more quickly than I used to. We'll get into that in therapy, I'm sure.

Joseph, thank you - I think you nailed it. Perhaps this latest experience just triggered him into fully feeling the cumulative lack of what he needed from me. Thank you for this mirroring. (Ouch, yes, but yes! ;) Love that you got some benefit and learning from your experience w/your ex, despite what it was like during difficulties. This is awesomely cool.

 

[Bilby]

I'm going to look at this from my point of view, as a supporter, and I'm just kind of thinking out loud here...

Does your partner have any issues of his own that he needs to deal with, or is currently dealing with? (E.g. anxiety, depression, stress at work)

Does your partner normally cope reasonably well with your PTSD? Does he have any support in place for himself in this regard, as a supporter?

I ask these questions because they are things that can heavily influence how he may respond to you and/or see your behaviour towards him. I know that I often feel like my thoughts/feelings just don't get a look in - I have depression and anxiety and can't say I have coped all that well with him having PTSD, what it has done to his life, to our life etc. I have my own psychiatrist and have done for 6.5 years now, but nothing in the world can replace the love and support I will always want and need from my husband. There are a number of times where he has said "I love you, but...." and will go on to make some kind of observation/statement about my behaviour or my input into the relationship that isn't exactly positive. I know I have faults, but I do believe it goes both ways - PTSD or not.

Anyway, I may have gone off on a tangent - apologies if I have! :)

All the best of luck.

B x

 

[LizBeth1]

Hi Bilby - thank you. Yes, my partner has his own psychological issues that he is resistant to look at or address. Hoping couples therapy will help this somewhat, at least.

My PTSD symptoms tend to trigger him into a regression, so that the result is two regressed people sitting there not able to deal. He's usually in denial of this, but the tendency is for him to become frozen and immobile rather than just looking at me and saying "Wow. Something's going on for you." and acting from a separate and grounded place. He's not able to do that. He internalizes his emotions and then his emotions explode at me months after the fact, usually when I need to talk to him about something he's doing that feels upsetting to me.

So yeah. We both have issues; the difference being that I've been looking very hard at my PTSD for almost 3 years, and in other types of therapy for decades previous... and he is very reluctant to acknowledge that he has any issues at all. I'm trying to be patient.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just my two cents, your partner sounds like he needs to be in therapy. He does not sound very merciful to you.

 

[LizBeth1]

Help. Couples therapy is bringing stuff out. I was able to get really direct with my boyfriend about some of the ways he was being during the cancer. I told him what I expected of him in a tough-love kind of way. I told him I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be self-aware and work on it, since that's a top priority for myself as well.

Turns out my direct statements about what I feel I deserve from him have triggered him massively and he is now having panic attacks. He told me he was panicked and stressed, and now I do feel a lot of empathy. And guilt. He has never done anything even remotely like therapy before, and the way he's designed his life has often prevented him from ever really being called on his stuff.

I'm guessing maybe he may have some undiagnosed PTSD too? Or something else maybe. Anyway I let the therapist know and I encouraged him to call her because I'm worried about what I may have caused with my directness.

Have any of you had this happen, where you inadvertently triggered your partner and it became evident that something a lot bigger was going on? I'm a little scared right now.

 

[saffy]

Hi Lizbeth

Yes I think I have, but not in a therapy session. I think being able to let it all out honestly in a therapy session will sometimes trigger reactions you are not expected. But in a good way it is also in a controlled environment where everyone has to sit and listen to each other properly without interruptions or disagreements.

This will get the receiver to hear what has been hidden or missed and this can cause a sudden realisation of what has been happening. It is important now to go back together and let him say how this has made him feel in a controlled way so that you as the receiver can then hear. Does that make sense?

Are you feeling guilty for what you said or for the unexpected reaction your partner has shown?

By really opening up you have both heard each others deepest anxieties and thoughts and both have realised that maybe you have both misjudged each other?

Now this is out in the open it is really important that you continue with your couple therapy, in my opinion. It will help you connect in a better way.

It is important to remember that this is not to blame or accuse each other but to accept each other feelings and emotions and acknowledge if either of your actions has caused the other to feel the way they do. For example, 'I am sorry that my snide remarks made you feel that I was not listening' This has not blamed anyone or accused anyone but acknowledged that the action has caused the emotion. Hope that makes sense. :)

It is all very raw to him at the moment his emotions and thoughts are going to be confused.

What I can see though is that you have both realised that your lack of communication and passive approach to each other has hidden stuff that could have allowed you to support each other better if known before. If that makes sense.

So that is got to be a good and positive move forward in the relationship. :)

I think you are in a better position to be able to talk to each other in a more open way now. ;)

We are here for you both, if he wants it too? :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks Saffy, so much. I am feeling guilty not for what I said, because it was all true and very honest, but maybe because I said it too soon before he was ready to hear it. One of the challenges is that I've been doing this therapy for 3 years and my therapist knows that there are big issues with him too. She had told me to hold off on going into any of that stuff with him until I was more grounded and we could do couples therapy. That took 3 years. So all the while I was getting grounded, I simultaneously knew that he had some big issues of his own. And it was not okay to bring them up or broach the subject.

So now, we've started couples therapy, and of course it all wants to come out. I am not sure I agree with my therapist's recommendation on that whole "waiting" thing. Because now it wants to come out in a flood. And it probably won't sound very empathetic either because he's spent the last 3 years building a narrative that essentially says, "I'm okay, and she's got all the problems. All the issues in this relationship are her fault. If she just goes and gets herself fixed up, we can continue as normal. I don't need to change anything about what I'm doing." So I've been sitting on my reaction to that for 3 years as well. And I think he may still feel this way.

He has never been able to verbalize his emotions. If he's scared, he'll say it is something else. If I ask, and try to help him identify his feelings, he gets upset. It only takes a small communication like that for him to shut down completely. This is a precarious situation.

Your example of how to acknowledge each others' feelings makes sense; thank you. I'm definitely going to hold onto that.

Thanks for offering your time to him too. He won't go on boards like this; he doesn't typically look for help like this. But I do and I appreciate it.

Thank you!