Unending misanthropy + empathy deficit?

[zytroxide]

I feel like a lot of of you are bound to get this but I don't really know for sure,

I've been abused by siblings and by parents in the past, in my developmental years, I feel like to a point where I have this permanent sense of hatred towards the world and general distrust towards humanity. Most interactions I have with others are underscored by this underlying sense of paranoia and I feel like everyone's out to get me unless I actively reassure myself assuming it even Works cause so much of the time it doesn't. Nothing seems to make it better.

I still do care for others like actively regarding people in my life but I feel so detached even from my more positive relationships I've had with the years. Doesn't help that a fair amount of those went to crap, I swear it's made the feeling worse. I question whether or not I still can feel empathy after everything, my mind feels so raw yet numb from the years of mistreatment that I just don't really feel much for other people around me. Any time I do it's like I have to force it out of my noggin otherwise I just don't feel anything (even then it's only a slight emotion.) For a while I thought I was a friggin secondary psychopath cause of how emotionally and generally distant I feel from ... everybody and how I'm more concerned about myself than others unless I make myself think differently. I feel like for the past 10 or so years I've just been playing a character

I don't think it's that, though, I do have the capacity to care for others but it's generally non-emotional and feels like. Clinical. I just feel so calloused. I wish I had a remedy.

Is this relatable? I'm curious. I don't know how many other people might go through what I'm going through

 

[parrotthepolly]

I feel like a lot of of you are bound to get this but I don't really know for sure,

I don't think it's that, though, I do have the capacity to care for others but it's generally non-emotional and feels like. Clinical. I just feel so calloused. I wish I had a remedy.

I'm like this too except I don't want to fully feel or it'll make me appear venerable.

I don't trust most people at all and some not fully but know most people don't have any reason to come get me. I cannot hate the entire world but people can get on my nerves easily and seemingly little things can make me dislike them.

Not surprised if I do become a psychopath but unfortunately my sensitivity is what caused symptoms but it's mostly hidden away now.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Variations on a theme here...

It's very possible to register fatigue in relation to maintaining a societally venerated poise consistent with extolling the worth of service, of sacrifice, of giving all without complaint. Past public and academic librarian here, whereas it helped (in measure) to discover discussion here and there consistent with identifying a certain exhaustion with service roles equating to literal compassion fatigue. My capacity to telegraph bonhomie and good cheer in something of an unofficial hospitality/caregiver worker at peace with everyone and everything just eroded to the point that I'd verbally shut down, always allowing others to take the conversational lead, and in a trauma-informed manner for later study of such - I just manifestly failed to erect and maintain reasoned boundaries in relation to what and whom I let in.

Irritating it was and remains to reflect upon those times to the extent that guides suggesting likely or best work roles for people suffering from P.T.S.D. (more C.P.T.S.D. concerning myself do appreciate) highlight library work as inherently low-stress and hence (almost) ideal. Hmm - not so sure about that, whereas I think I went in with the conviction of would-be activist to offset memories of a not so happy childhood morphing into an isolated and far from secure adulthood; i.e. definitely not to be mistaken with the carefree hospitality role a certain structural reality deemed I might fill - if I was only agreeable enough! Having one's frame, one's structural standpoint habitually dismissed is proven to be something not nice to experience...

For myself, it's been a rather eye-opening process to calculate and personally verbalize what it is I really do support, what it is I go for - but also what isn't for me. Without necessarily earning a Terrible Human Being badge, it's been necessary for me to register that I'm not a huge fan of just people on the street. A whole host of short and clear tiny statements consistent with affording others the best chance of understanding both what I might require - but also limiting what I'll take or endure has been necessary to navigate my days given spontaneity just doesn't 'work' for me in MAGA-land southeastern Michigan. Just enough then to blend and if necessary be recognized as 'Good Joe' when called to be so, but no more overweening at the ready servitude to anyone or anything.

I'm not really sure who I am now given for long I thought that service was what I was about, that the orientation was my identity and would solve all. This much admitted, society is not in danger of me being a corporate raider, some supposed television-worthy dangerous element identified for long a 'pretty quiet - kept to himself' tightly wound spring, although for circumstance judgements so-configured will be made. Well - so be it, as long I might be productive in relation to those endeavors that are personally compelling. I don't thrill to holding a magnifying glass to anthills on sunny day, there is no fascination here with spearing frogs, although to most I'm just a largely faceless enigma.

If there is a takeaway here that can be generalized out, appreciate it's possible to be a private person who's decent and kind when called upon to do so - this within tightly defined limits. We all have our histories - some much less pleasant than others, and quite naturally such potentially complex factors impact what we might contribute, what we might give, and how much empathy we might strictly experience internally versus voice audibly. Some people decide to contribute to causes without publicly disclosing that they do - and for some this is entirely right and appropriate.

M.T.K.