At Crossroads

[Delta62]

I hope this is the right forum or maybe it should it do a different one? I'll let the moderators be the judge. Anyways, I hope am able to get out what I need to and highlight the main points. Feel free to ask questions to help clarify things.

In November, I lost my grandma and uncle within the same week in which I collapsed into depressive episode. I went through partial hospitalization for two weeks. Towards the end of December I returned to work. I have had to take medical leave again from work and my therapist gave me three months off to work on this. I worry about losing my job, but people are telling me I won't. I currently see a psychiatrist, social worker, and a psychologist. One I am doing CBT with and the other I am doing a different type of therapy. It's gotten to the point of wanting to get into residential treatment or a specialty center. I don't think I may qualify though because of the admission criteria.

To make a long story short, I ended up inpatient again in the hospital, it's been a week, and feel horrible for taking time of of work and going back on SSDI benefits. Once I got off of them, I thought I would never have had to return to the rolls. In the past two weeks, I have had four panic attacks and have had to resort to taking the Klonopin because of my anxiety being so high and to help me sleep. The doctor currently has me on Minipress, Klonopin, Luvox, and Risperdal. Today I made the first attempt at getting back into a workout routine, my goal is 3 times a week, 30 minutes to an hour.

As far as my history goes, I have been advised to limit contact with my parents as they are triggers but am constantly reminded by my mom that I am one of the main things that keeps her going. (My mom has borderline personality disorder which makes dealing with her a challenge.) I've lost two brothers, one due to a brain tumor and the other to a pool drowning. I only met one, but that was when I was an infant. The cause of my PTSD was that I was molested by my mother and physically abused by my father. In retrospect, I had to see my mom get raped and she had to have sex in order to see me at times. I remember my dad stalking her constantly growing up. I was a pawn in a bitter divorce battle which has left me walking wounded. I question my identity at times and was told by one professional I was lucky I didn't get dissociative identity disorder.

I have been in therapy all my life and question my ability to do many things. My PTSD has led to numerous inpatient hospitalizations over the years, stomach problems, and fear of authority figures. Some of my traits are ingrained in my personality according to my doctor which can only be stabilized by psychotherapy. I have tried my best but keep on stumbling and need more intensive help. The only problem is I don't want to become dependent on anyone either.

I pray and am involved regularly in Church. I've had to use the national suicide prevention lifeline number a few times because of the overwhelming fear I experience sometimes when I try to sleep. I yearn for a relationship with someone but fear rejection. Male sexual abuse survivors you do hear about, but it seems to happen more frequently to females. (Feel free to correct me if I am wrong) When I sleep next to a girl, I am reminded of things all over again. There are so many parts to this I don't even know where to begin

One of my strengths are is that I was able to get a Masters degree and work somewhat in the field I went to school for. There are similarities in my job, but I was trained for administration not case work which I currently perform. Nonetheless, I fell into human services because I believe service to others is the rent we pay for being here on earth and throughout therapy I found helping others gave me a satisfaction. I do want to stay in the field, just in a different position through a promotion and or a hardship transfer. It's somewhat difficult because rules are governed my a union contract, but I am thankful to be apart of the union. I have a stressful job, but it's the supervisor I need to get away from because he's extremely toxic.

I feel I need a stronger support system and many times I do lift this up to God. (If anyone else has a higher power, I respect that) My personality type is an ISFJ on the Meyers Briggs Test if that helps.

My goals are for the flashbacks to decrease. I need to get back into gear and quit feeling sorry for myself but at the same time give myself compassion. I am working my best at overcoming this and I am a survivor. I feel alone and hopeless at times though which causes fear and panic. I often think of the music video Independence Day by Martina McBride to describe my childhood.

I have cried on and off as I have typed this. The choices to make feel so overwhelming yet alone of what normal is. I've put the stake in the ground and have drawn the line in the sand, it's time to deal with this more intensely. I need advice, guidance, and support because there is much more in store for me in life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You may brush off what I have to say, as it was said to me in the past and I just brushed it off, thinking it didn't apply to me, that I could be just fine and still have my abusive mother in my life.

Your mom is toxic to you, and as such you may very well be better off without her in your life. I went down the road of limited contact with my mom, and I felt better for a bit. She finally crossed a very important boundary and I realized that I could no longer have her in my life. That was two weeks ago. And honestly, I feel great. I wish I could say that I want my mom in my life, but I can't. That in itself is sad to me, and I'm dealing with it, but it is what it is. Don't get me wrong. I'm not pleased at what transpired, but I'm thrilled that my anxiety has vastly improved and I'm not stressed about everything and anything and freaking out at all the little stuff in life.

My mom has SOMETHING going on, but she's a manipulative lying charming person so of course the doctors don't see it and thus no formal diagnosis. But, I think your mother is manipulative as well.

Your mom is manipulating you by telling you that you're the one who keeps her going. I was read the first fable in the book "Friedman's Fables" and it completely changed my perspective. Your bit about how your mom manipulates you with this line reminded me of this fable as the main character is told almost the same thing; that he is responsible for the life of another. Please get a hold of this book if you can. The fable honestly changed my life.

 

[Delta62]

Right now I am going through therapy twice a week and exercising which has been helping out. I wish the panic attacks would subside. I feel guilty for having to take a leave from work but I need a lot of support and encouragement The longer I am off, the more difficult it can become for me to go back. So many things are coinciding I wish there were more answers. Scaredoflonely, the doctors know and so does my family. I am keeping a healthy distance from her. Thank you for your suggestion.

 

[dharmaBum]

Hey there Delta62. In my experience, anxiety and anxiety attacks can be really disruptive, even when I know all the reasons they happen and all the things I can do to take care of and/or avoid them. Do you meditate or do deep breathing? I've practiced quite a few different explicit anti-anxiety methods over the last four years since being diagnosed with PTSD. Some have helped and some have hurt. I'm personally averse to medication, in general, so I don't know from experience what impact those different medications might be having on your ability to self-regulate. I did find consistent relief using Kava Kava at the onset of anxiety, but that is an over-the-counter herb that has some health-warnings, especially for those who consume alcohol.

Self-regulation, that is the Rosetta Stone that I am seeking, in repair of a multitude of attachment traumas. If you are looking for even more food for thought, Western-Psychology researchers I've read who have focused on the issue of self-regulation and attachment trauma include Daniel Siegel and Allan Schore. Stephen Porges has been working on the Polyvagal Theory, which discusses how the nervous system influences learned physiological reactions to trauma. There's a therapist in California named Pete Walker who has written in-depth about the toxic self-criticism that can result from profound attachment trauma. John Gottman and many others including Marshall Rosenberg have been trying to demonstrate that emotional intelligence, understanding the emotional states and experiences of ourselves and others, is key to both psychological and physiological health.

On a practical level, increasing my emotional literacy has been one of the most effective day-to-day strategies for reducing what was at times constant high-levels of physiological arousal from anxiety triggers. I still struggle with anxiety and hyperarousal, but I've seen big improvements. I'm happy to share more if this is an area of interest to you. You can also search through my posts, but if you are needing less anxiety immediately, maybe you don't need to expose yourself to potentially triggering stimuli.

I'm a patient- in no way am I anything other than a fellow traveler who knows what it feels like to be held hostage by myself.

 

[Delta62]

I have been exercising three times a week and just joined a gym. The panic is starting to reduce itself, but there is still a sense of generalized anxiety which I do have along with PTSD. I don't drink or smoke. I am trying to lessen the amount of caffeine. Can you explain more about the emotional literacy part? I would be glad to hear some more about this. I feel I need the help, because I don't want to be held hostage by this.

 

[healthbuilder]

Hello Delta62,
Talking to someone can reduce the anxiety, apart from the exercise. Consider all your feeling into positive one. Hope it reduces the anxiety.

 

[dharmaBum]

Hey again Delta62. I didn't have my alert set up right, so I missed your message.

I absolutely have to eliminate caffeine/stimulants, especially in some forms like drip coffee or over-the-counter decongestants, in order to have a fighting chance with anxiety. At times it is hugely challenging because I might be over-tired or unfocused from sleep disturbances, but it is integral to improving my health. I've had high blood-pressure in the past, so I have an at-home monitor. I checked myself the last time I had a caffeine enhanced full-blown anxiety attack and my blood pressure was 30 to 40 points higher than it usually is.

Emotional Intelligence
Most of the resources I've used for increasing my own emotional intelligence are self-designed or came from books rather than online resources. Perhaps some of these links will give you a start though:

John Gottman Fostering Emotionally Intelligent Children, Families, and Communities Dead Link Removed The comparison between emotion dismissing and emotion coaching behaviors that begins on page 7 kind of represents the "Aha" moment that made this material useful to me. However, the first step of emotion coaching, "notices emotions" as noted on page 9, is a huge leap for people who might only be aware of a few or no emotional states.

Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication includes an extensive reference list of emotions that arise within us when our needs are met and when our needs are not met. It also includes a list of statements that we make that we think are emotions but may be judgements or assumptions about other people (or our self) disguised with the word, "feeling." Like when we say we feel "rejected" when someone doesn't want to be with us. Rosenberg asserts that in those instances we are stepping away from awareness of our internal emotional state, which might be lonely, sad, angry, relieved (depending on whether or not we want to be alone), making it difficult to stay authentically connected to ourselves and capable of our own resolution, if desired. Here's a link to the emotions inventory online: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

I'm a pretty "emotional" person, but when I first started getting into this material I saw that I only used a few words to describe my emotions. I wrote every one of the words from the inventory on a separate notecard, put them on a key ring to make a flip book, and spent time journalling every few days or so when I could remember experiencing 3 random emotions from the list. I made a separate flip book for the needs-met and unmet needs list. When I would feel emotionally overwhelmed (part of my anxiety issue) I would flip through the list one word at a time until I found a few words that fit and then I journalled about that. When I was feeling low I'd flip through the needs-met list and just feel better remembering all of the positive ways there are to feel in the world.

Daniel Siegel- Wheel of Awareness:

This is a secular meditation activity that helps people to focus on different ways of being aware of their internal and external bodily sensations, their thoughts, and their connections to others. It helps me, because how can I say what my emotions are if I literally don't know how I feel? Siegel has some other resources via his professional website: [DLMURL]http://drdansiegel.com/[/DLMURL]

My EMDR practitioner has taught me to use Affect Management Skills Training, developed by John Omaha, which I have found really helps me to identify and tolerate my intense emotional states, and thus reduce anxiety in general and specifically related to identified triggers. Here's some material to review on that: [DLMURL]http://www.johnomahaenterprises.com/AMSTManual.pdf[/DLMURL] If you are in counseling, please consider talking to your counselor about this information to see if there are helpful ways to apply it. No one with a confirmed or suspected trauma history should engage in EMDR/Bilateral Stimulation activities without the guidance of a trained and certified practitioner.

I've read lots of scholarly articles and texts on the psychology and physiology of emotion, and found that there are some pretty disparate view points out there, such as whether or not anger is a healthy emotion and whether or not emotions are part of our higher-brain functions or our involuntary reflexes. I hope this information gives you some place to start. I have an eight year old daughter and have been a preschool teacher/parent educator for over 15 years, so emotional development & the neurobiology of emotions have been in the forefront of my life for quite some time, especially as I have worked to recover from an unexpected delayed relapse of PTSD. I'm not a specialist or psych professional and I've taken some pretty hard wrong turns in trying to learn about how to "deal" with my emotions and anxiety. I don't want to steer anyone else in that direction, so I strongly urge you to consult with your mental health provider if you have one.