Relationship Attempting to repair broken trust?

[Derailed]

It’s me again…
I’d posted a while back about emailing my boyfriend’s therapist. It’s been about 4ish months since the incident. Things had been feeling a bit better. We were more intimate, things were a little bit lighter between us. And then suddenly about a month ago he became distant. He did have several big things that happened in the past few weeks (financially, work, personal). I have been asking to spend time with him, which we haven’t done properly since the incident. Then last week he says that he’s still thinking about what I did and he still feels angry when he thinks about it. And that I violated a major boundary.

Apparently he’s been speaking to his therapist about this. Since the incident I haven’t been asking him much about it. She’s told him that if it was a fatal error that he shouldn’t drag this out (read: break up). He says he’s thinking… I told him that we should talk about it and try to unpack it together.

Things have been odd over the last 4-5 days. He didn’t invite me over to his family’s for thanksgiving, citing an excuse of pet loss in the family (true but still an excuse). It was my birthday and he didn’t even come to say hello and only called to wish me at the end of the work day. Phone calls have been very brief and to the point, no teasing or laughter. I just feel so lost. I feel like I’m drowning. I dropped off when he was not home some food to take home to his family and also returned several of his clothes I’d borrowed over the months.

I love him very much. But I don’t know where to go from here… I told him that I am giving him back a bit of control I took away by letting him make the decision. I’ve tapered off my communications in an attempt to give him space. But I don’t know if it’s too much, too little, should I be reaching out? Can this be saved or is it over and I’m in denial? If it can, what can I do to understand him better and help rebuild trust?

 

[Sideways]

Based on your posts, it’s been months since you guys went on a date. It would be pretty hard to get back to a romantic relationship with him given the length of time between real and sustained intimacy.

I told him that I am giving him back a bit of control I took away by letting him make the decision.

He’s allowed to break up with you any time he decides that’s what he wants. He has never needed you permission to do that. So, this is borderline gaslighting: look how much control I’m giving you (when, in fact, he never lost that control in the first place).

Even if it wasn’t your intent, it’s applying pressure to a person who seems to be clear with you that all he’s willing to offer you right now is “I’m thinking about it”.

He says he’s thinking… I told him that we should talk about it and try to unpack it together.

This is the similar. “I’m thinking it through” is your answer. There’s really not much to ‘unpack’ (you shouldn’t have done what you did, and he’s not sure he will trust you now), and he’s indicated to you that any unpacking that needs to be done, he’s doing with his T.

I know that’s not what you want to hear. But honestly, if this is going to work, you’re going to need to listen when he tells you he needs time and space. If this is his coping strategy for dealing with stress (and it’s pretty textbook for someone suffering ptsd), this will not be the last time he isolates himself from you.

 

[Derailed]

Based on your posts, it’s been months since you guys went on a date. It would be pretty hard to get back to a romantic relationship with him given the length of time between real and sustained intimacy.


He’s allowed to break up with you any time he decides that’s what he wants. He has never needed you permission to do that. So, this is borderline gaslighting: look how much control I’m giving you (when, in fact, he never lost that control in the first place).

Even if it wasn’t your intent, it’s applying pressure to a person who seems to be clear with you that all he’s willing to offer you right now is “I’m thinking about it”.


This is the similar. “I’m thinking it through” is your answer. There’s really not much to ‘unpack’ (you shouldn’t have done what you did, and he’s not sure he will trust you now), and he’s indicated to you that any unpacking that needs to be done, he’s doing with his T.

I know that’s not what you want to hear. But honestly, if this is going to work, you’re going to need to listen when he tells you he needs time and space. If this is his coping strategy for dealing with stress (and it’s pretty textbook for someone suffering ptsd), this will not be the last time he isolates himself from you.

I’m just in an emotionally messed up space. And id never want to gaslight him.

Is there anything apart from giving him space that I can do? Is it not a good idea to send little good morning/night messages…or will he feel like I’m withdrawing?

I’ve seen it here a lot but I’m struggling to understand what trust means in the ptsd context. The closest thing that I can think of is cheating but I feel that’s an unfair comparison (something deliberate vs. a genuine mistake). Has anyone recovered from a break in trust with a ptsd partner?

Edit: more recently I’ve started seeing a therapist myself. He asked me why I needed to see one now. And I said that couldn’t really understand why I did what I did and I wanted to do better. I also need help to just process some traumatic stuff that I’ve experienced as a child.

 

[tofubreadcoriander]

I’m just in an emotionally messed up space. And id never want to gaslight him.

Is there anything apart from giving him space that I can do? Is it not a good idea to send little good morning/night messages…or will he feel like I’m withdrawing?

Just saying you're ok with him taking time for himself is enough. You can tell him you're available if he wants to talk. It is NOT appropriate to send morning/night messages given his distance.

I’ve seen it here a lot but I’m struggling to understand what trust means in the ptsd context. The closest thing that I can think of is cheating but I feel that’s an unfair comparison (something deliberate vs. a genuine mistake). Has anyone recovered from a break in trust with a ptsd partner?

Edit: more recently I’ve started seeing a therapist myself. He asked me why I needed to see one now. And I said that couldn’t really understand why I did what I did and I wanted to do better. I also need help to just process some traumatic stuff that I’ve experienced as a child.

Being in therapy is the best for the both of you. However, to be honest, and, from my own experience, for people with (C)PTSD, it is best to find someone healthy as the combination of two adults with C-PTSD can lead to catastrophic results. Do not expect perfection in a relationship with a healthy person.

 

[Derailed]

Just saying you're ok with him taking time for himself is enough. You can tell him you're available if he wants to talk. It is NOT appropriate to send morning/night messages given his distance.



Being in therapy is the best for the both of you. However, to be honest, and, from my own experience, for people with (C)PTSD, it is best to find someone healthy as the combination of two adults with C-PTSD can lead to catastrophic results. Do not expect perfection in a relationship with a healthy person.

Thanks this is helpful.

I don’t have ptsd. There’s just some stuff that I need to process.

 

[Weemie]

I would write this one off. He isn't interested in reconciling, but he's too Something to break up with you properly. Whether it's anxious, afraid, symptomatic from PTSD, blah blah.

His actions are making it clear that it isn't repairable right now, and so it comes down to how long you want this state to last. You f*cked up, but at the end of the day there's only so much you can do to fix it.

And if he isn't responsive then it's time to move on.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I’m glad @Sideways and others could answer (had similar thoughts couldn’t focus to write)

there is nothing you can do to make him talk to you because you need or want him to

if you can wait. Do that.
If you can’t. Move on

In the waiting: leave him alone.
If you don’t like that move on

I’m sad for you

 

[haleyquinn]

I would write this one off. He isn't interested in reconciling, but he's too Something to break up with you properly. Whether it's anxious, afraid, symptomatic from PTSD, blah blah.

His actions are making it clear that it isn't repairable right now, and so it comes down to how long you want this state to last. You f*cked up, but at the end of the day there's only so much you can do to fix it.

And if he isn't responsive then it's time to move on.

I completely agree, this is a great point. It’s heartbreaking and unfair to both parties. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I truly feel for you.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I know that’s not what you want to hear. But honestly, if this is going to work, you’re going to need to listen when he tells you he needs time and space. If this is his coping strategy for dealing with stress (and it’s pretty textbook for someone suffering ptsd), this will not be the last time he isolates himself from you.

Your pain and suffering due to the situation is so evident. Leaving it to the Pros and to Sideways on the forum to advise- however just to say hang in there. Not all people enter our lives to stay... especially in the arena of love this is poignant.

And sometimes- sometimes - 'good things'that life brings and 'new things' and 'fresh starts' can be sabotaged or cut short by the need for this 'extended space'.
Personally I would never contact a partners T or Dr. Contact a mutual friend for a welfare check? Quite reasonable to do since we really never know when someone is considering quitting on the world- right?
You have done sooooooo well to push through although you are hurting .

PS-"Textbook coping strategy , perhaps it wont be the last time he isolates " . Scary but true.
@Sideways is oh so right.